What's Going On With Midnight Sun?

In case by any chance someone is reading this, the whooollleeeee thingg is realllyyyy stupid, sorry.

i just finished watching dil bechara.

kinda ashamed of how i kept comparing dil bechara to fault in our stars, even tho i told myself from the starting to not do that. i admired and liked SSR, its his last film, andd i want to feel like its the best movie ever!

i was sitting on a mess so i didnt have much control over myself either.

when i finished the movie, i was in a pool of tears.

when kizie basu said "you are leaving me alone....again" i felt that and i looked at myself, alone, in the corner of my room trying to fight loneliness.

i feel disappointed in myself

why did i roll my eyes when kizie said "from now on, sheri (okay) will be out word" ?

do i not believe in love anymore?

why in the world did i feel like a lot of it wasnt true

i used love these kinda movies. love used to make me haappy, not said.

throughout the whole movie, i was trying to make sense, decipher the meaning in each word action and scene, and learn

i feel pretty much veryyy isolated and bad

a part of me tells me that it my fault while the other part says that its not really

my fault or not, i just want to get out of here

its suffocating to be next to manipulative, lying, people who doesnt understand me

i am tired to having to explain my every action

i am tryng to make myself feel better by reminding myself that my life is wayyy better without my mother talking to me

i can sleep when i feel sleepy and not get wake up calls every 5 seconds, i do not have to off tv and upstair inbetween watching a nice movie, i no longer is getting shouted at everyother thing, and no more lectured filled with disappointment!

only an angry mother who ignores my existence and say realllyyy bad things, (which are mostly untrue) to people

i wish i was the me, 4 years ago, who would be like "thank you soo muchh for finally leaving me alone"

when i was yonger i used to think i hate my mother, but i dont hate her. i am just angry because she hurts me sooooooo muchhhhhh. and she is hurting me because i love her sooo muchhh.

my mom thinks that the ones who love her the most are her mom,dad and uncle. i say she is wrong. because true love is not the love they give you back when you treat them like royals, it is when someone loves you even after seeing the worst and worst of you. my mom treats them and my dad they best way she can, she would go above and beyond for them but i bet that my mom's dad, mom and uncle is going to disown her when they get to know that my mom is cheating on my dad (i cant even think about my dad's reaction).

my mom has never treated anyone bad except me, i am the only one who has suffered my moms endless torture. still i love her, and i would say without a doubt, no one would ever love her more than i do

but now, i realise mom would never be there for me

i make her mad

my thoughts, the way i am, everything makes her mad, disappointed

only thing she useful for her in me is how i am good in studies

i hate how my mom's actions, words, treatment mostly make me feel likeshe is using me to give her financial stability

i wish i was wrong, i want to be wrong, but everything she does doesnt help it

why cant she allow me to be anything apart from a doctor

why cant she let me choose my career like she allows my sister

why dont she hear my likes, dislikes and passion like she hears my sister

maybe its because my sister fights for what she wants (also because my mom "loves" my sister)

but she wont even let me argue, if i did, she makes sure i feel as miserable as i can get, like for now, she hasnt talked to me in 3 days, she is still ignoring me with same passion

but do i want her to talk to me?

i have so much peace and freedom right now, i dont want that to get replaced my the constant nagging like before

but i feel so isolated

but i kinda choose this isolation, i could talk to my sister, but i am tired of having to explain my every action and i am hurt how my sister sided with mom after hearing my mom's (i would say manipulative) sob story.

the truth is none of them is ever gonna understand me, even if my mom does, she is only going to use it to her advantage, so im like why make moves, if this is never gonna work out?

sooo here i am alone and depressed with a personality disorder

when i say i am alone, i mean alone in real life. on this computer, on my phone, i have looottt of friends, friends who are waiting to hear from me, but i am just too depressed and all my thoughts are soo messed up and bad, i dont wanna give them a bad vibe. i wanna be happy and make them happy while i am with them. i dont wanna make them carry my burden. i find it soo difficult to make a good conversation even, i pretend to be okay and fine, and i am afraid i usually come of as robotic.

*sigh*

i feel so alone

i dont know what to choose

i dont know what i want

i dont know what i should do

i feel totally confused

Hi. So here I am again.

I don't really know why I am here. Irl my mouth is shut, I'm feeling little bit anxious but most of what I'm feeling is numbness. Honestly, I am doing so bad. However I don't feel regret in lying to anyone that I'm okay. I don't want to talk to anyone neither do I feel like talking to anyone. But I don't wish to hurt anyone, so I have to talk.

My sister came back home today, I didn't greet her, instead I ignored her. Why? I don't know. I was frustrated with everything going on when she arrived and I didn't feel like talking anything. She said she was hurt. But I didn't ask her to come and give her invaluable opinions on the preparations for a very important day of my life. My preparations are drowed deep inside an ocean. So I don't want anyone to come and check it. Well I'm trying to navigate the ship back and that's only what everyone can see. But actually my ship is 90% dead.

To be honest, I don't know why I am still here. I think I should have given up long ago. Right now I'm thinking of all the things I could have done different. Anything so that I wouldn't be sitting here the way I am right now. I feel so embarassed by the fact that right now I'm so miserable.

I don't want to be miserable. I don't want anyone pitying me. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

But then I did rather have people feel sorry than blame myself for ruining my life.

I think a part of my blames myself for everything. It says I could have done better. It says that I brought my own doom. It says I had many chances to do better but it's just me who threw everything away and made things worst.

I don't know what to think now.

I feel awful.

Change 1

When i was 10, my mom changed my school. Back then i thought it was a massive transformation, going from 2nd last shool in the rank based on quality of the education in the state to one of the best schools in the country. A lot of things changed. There was a huge difference in the type of students, type of teachers, the school area, the rules. I was excited at first but i soon realised that i dont fit in with the students in my new school, i wasnt from a rich family like most of them, or wasnt blessed with high quality education like them. I spend two years in agony and in pain, until one day I couldnt take it anymore. That day i broke down. And when i did, more than half of my class surrounded me. They were all worried, they kept asking me what was wrong until i finally opened up and told them how i actually feel. That day i realised that I am not as alone as i thought and people do care about me. But that day i also hit a breaking point where i no longer care about what each and everyone think about me.

I challenged my insecurities, my introverted self, my low self esteem and dared myself to do the exact thing i was scared of. now when i look back, i have no one how i did it, i probably go soo sick of caring too much about people who back nothing but bad memories back.

Hi

Soo I guess now everything is my fault.

I see two side for that sentence

One, where I empower myself by giving myself the power and responsibility of the situation

Two, by thinking that I'm at fault, I'm taking the whole responsibility instead of sharing the responsibility soo that I feel better that the I'm the sole person who needs to change. This way I have less issues with people around me.

Thank you @exulansis00

I'm offended. Very bad.

I'm hurt. Very bad.

I'm helpless.

They said they want something. But its mine and I need it right now. But can I tell them that? If I do, I'm of bad character and selfish. *Sigh*

I'm here, I'm here jobless. Literal jobless waiting for you to say something. Then why would you need someone else?

It's not yours, I took the effort and brought it from numerous people, just because I gave it to you doesn't mean I have no rights over it. I saved them for you, now this is how you help me back. -_-

You say you love me, but why do your actions not speak the same words?