in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
I showered yesterday. and washed my hair.Ā
5th week of school starts tomorrow.Ā
I can officially say weāre a month in :ā) yaayayayyyayyy-
so just 9 more of that and then weāre done :)
yayayayayayayy-
and then 2 more of that and we start again.Ā
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someone said (when we were 3 weeks in) that after a week weād be a month in and after a month we just need to go through 9 more of that and the years done and then they were like oh my god the years gonna pass so fastĀ im sorry but like no itās not that was such a horrible long month I was sleep deprived and stressed out and scared and 9 more of that just to get an 8 week summer break thatāll fly by in a second and start again and again and again until I graduate if I graduate and then what like bro but I donāt even care about the future atp Iām thinking about now and right now I hate my life and I canāt go a day without my brain shutting off and going di.e di.e just d.ie judge di.e euenshshs *** *** *** *** ***Ā
.
switch topics.Ā
I genuinely just hate myselfĀ
imagine being sewerslider for almost half the years youāve been alive and you canāt even properly hurt yourself like at least a year coma or somethingĀ
why is it so hard :ā)
š©·Ā https://youtu.be/gpq6BPus8n4?si=HOphujtYzZoLfYh7Ā š©·
thereās no way I just spent my time writing that up just for it to goĀ Uh oh! An error was encountered saving your post. (Code 064)
Iām gonna try to split it up because Iām sort of in a rush :ā)Ā
hey everyoneš¤Iāve been on white text for the past idk 2 days not because I was scared of saying what I wanted/had to say but because I thought someone had access to my account and honestly they might but Iām not scared of them seeing what I have to say either because- if they had access to my account they probably did for a while now and I donāt have much to hide anymore. Iām just not scared I guess nothings happened yet
but does anyone remember this poem
Iām Sorry
Iām sorry for the breath I take,
The space I claim, the steps I make.
For every word thatās ever spilled,
For every dream Iāve never filled.
Iām sorry for the way I seem,
A shadow chasing after dreams.
For being me, for being here,
For all the days I lived in fear.
Iām sorry for the tears Iāve shed,
For nights alone, the thoughts I dread.
For feeling lost, for feeling small,
For holding on when I should fall.
Iām sorry for the times Iāve tried,
And all the moments that Iāve cried.
For being weak, for being strong,
For knowing right but choosing wrong.
Iām sorry for the life Iāve led,
For paths Iāve walked, the words unsaid.
For all the hope thatās turned to dust,
For breaking when I shouldāve trust.
Iām sorry that I am alive,
A soul that struggles to survive.
For every breath, for every scar,
For reaching out but staying far.
Iām sorry for just being me,
A spirit tangled, never free.
For every whisper, every shout,
For every silent, hidden doubt.
Iām sorry if I let you down,
If my existence makes you frown.
For all the ways I couldnāt be,
For everything thatās trapped in me.
Iām sorry for the life Iāve known,
For every time I stood alone.
For all the things I canāt erase,
For simply taking up this space.
Iām sorry that I am this way,
A fleeting shadow in the day.
For all the sorrow, all the strife,
Iām sorry for my very life.
i wrote it almost 3 months ago which feels like a long time but also not and I just randomly started thinking about it a couple of days ago and I went back to the page I wrote it on and I started thinking about how good it was because I know itās not amazing but I only ever post my best poems when I get all the right words and I like it enough and it seems post-worthy? but..Iām bad with words and poetry helps. I wrote this poem.Ā
I See You
I see you for the breath you take,
For every move, for every break.
For all the words that spilled like rain,
For dreams you tried to catch through pain.
I see you in the way you seemed,
A shadow lost inside a dream.
For standing still in storms of fear,
For being strong enough to stay here.
I see the tears you couldnāt hide,
The nights you fought and pushed aside.
For feeling small, for feeling worn,
For making it through every storm.
I see you in the moments missed,
For all the times you clenched your fist.
For feeling wrong and being right,
For choosing to keep up the fight.
I see the paths you dared to take,
The steps you made when hearts could break.
For all the trust you tried to find,
For holding hope inside your mind.
I see the scars you wear with grace,
For reaching out from your own space.
For holding on when days were hard,
For making sure you didnāt scar.
I see you in the way youāve grown,
For all the truths youāve come to own.
For feeling doubt, for facing fear,
For all the whispers you could hear.
I see the time you spent alone,
For standing tall, for staying strong.
For every weight you chose to bear,
For every wound you chose to share.
I see you, now, through every fight,
For living through the darkest nights.
For every breath, for every scar-
Youāve made it here, and here you are.
Youāre still struggling, I know that well,
Some days are hard, some feel like ***.
But step by step, youāre finding ground,
And healing slowly, safe and sound.
I see the way youāre getting through,
No longer broken, but still bruised.
Youāve come so far, youāre growing still-
Stronger, softer, and more real.
I know I said I genuinely hate myself yesterday. and ngl I do. I still lock myself in bathrooms and cry on the floor. I still hide in breaks and have panic attacks. I still get so anxious and scared my whole body starts shaking and I fall to the floor. I still get really numb some days, I still have my skin turn grey on those days where I donāt feel anything and Iām just so drained and done. I still get bullied and I still have people I donāt know hate me. I still donāt sleep. Iām still stressed out. Iām still starving myself. Iām still lonely. I still cry when I see myself. I still feel like Iāll never be enough. I still feel like my life has no worth or value. I still feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I still have my ears ring and I still black out. I still wake up crying because I hate that I woke up. I still push people away. I still compare myself to everyone around me. I still want it all to be over.Ā
I still try.Ā
I wish I could say that was it or I wish I could write up a positive version that makes it all seem worth it
I was venting to a listener (a longgg time ago maybe 7 months or more) like the world really isnāt that beautiful and they said you just need to widen your microscope. and broaden my perspective or something, I know Iām young and Iāve seen a lot but maybe not enoughĀ
I donāt know. I know itās not all bad. like I donāt remember when but I was coming back from school and I was in the elevator and this woman started talking to me and she was just the sweetest in the world, and in year7 I was late to my science class and I walked past this senior and they smiled at me so genuinely that I still remember it till now. small stuff that I donāt forget and it makes me happy. maybe that makes it all worth it?Ā
7:40pm and 5th week of school starts tomorrow and Iām too stressed out to be on here okay take care byee<
I didnāt expect it to work- okay byeee<3
Iām staying after school.Ā
Depression