in the wonders of my mind💗.

good morning <3 today feels weird

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i kept waiting in the queue and each time I’d get a bad listener I would wait in the queue again until that

I haven’t talked about the case in a while. but, my birthday past and I thought it was supposed to be closed by then but it’s still going like my dad had to go to court so many times but it would keep getting postponed to a different date idk why, he keeps making me memorize what I’m gonna say if they ever try to take me to live with my mom but he keeps putting the scenario like this like people are gonna come to our door and be like (nadia) come with us we’re gonna take you to live with your mom okay? 

…

idk it’s just that’s not how it works :’)

and then this is what he tells me to say I actually memorized the exact way he wants me to say it but basically I have to be like no I don’t want to live with her I’ve lived with my dad my whole life he raised me and he was there she wasn’t I don’t even know her etc etc 

also my dad’s lawyer I guess looked into my mom’s (idk profile idk no one bothers to explain things properly but I never bother to ask) and found out that she got remarried and gave birth to a daughter

which like. yeah. okay- I don’t really care but I can’t say I’m sure that’s true because my dads the one that told me and my brother but he was telling us because right after he was all like she has a whole family like idk why she’s bothering us and started venting but if it’s true I’m happy for her like I used to pray that she was at least okay and found somebody way better than my dad and that she has a whole new happy family and that she’s safe but it could be true it could not be true I’m not sure I kind of hope it is tho 

“I made the same wish for years. I wished that I’d see my mom again. but eventually I just wished that she was happy- or that she found someone else and is now a part of a beautiful family. I wished she’d forgotten about us.”

I heard my dad mocking me, he was talking to my brother and basically he was talking about how he trusts that my brother understands and he’s only like telling us both to tell me because he thinks I’m young and stupid and I’m gonna go all shy and be like okay and ruin his life and get him sent to prison or something 

I was right there. while he was talking to my brother. 

another thing my dad told us was that my mom claims we were kidnapped. he said that the case was about to be closed and everything was like fine but she said that reopening the case. which no she didn’t. I know she didn’t say that too. he makes her seem like such a bad person, I think he said that to make it seem like I guess she obviously knows she’s lying and she’s just causing problems for no reason at all, he keeps saying that. he’s like we were fine she was fine so I don’t know why she’s coming back years later just starting all this unnecessary drama. 

(I’m at 1% and my dad can see what I copy now so I’m just gonna post it from here)

I slept last night! 17 whole minutes!!

I actually want to sleep everything’s bad enough but i can’t handle being sleep deprived like I used to 

anywho someone wrote an appreciation thing for me. I haven’t been tagged there in so long I genuinely started crying it was 1am when I saw it and I was crying (I’m still really moody like every emotion I feel is still always at 100% now and it could switch so randomly)  

um. that made me really happy :') cause yk I’ve just been kind of feeling really lonely lately ;-; irl or not I’m just sad like idk 

it was so cute tho I loved it so much like the photos with the message it was so perfect and the writing the writing was really…gentle? and the hooman delivering the message they’re so sweet and kind too tho I kind of haven’t replied to smth they sent me in may…

ew why am I so bad at being a proper friend like what

but yeah and the emojis but the whole thing was just really…gentle and like sweet🩷

and then there was a poem😭and a link with it and photos and one of the photos is like kind of linked to a memory it was just so sweet like I’m seriously not all that. ;-; but aww it made me happy

i havent replied ;-; you wanna guess why? :D I fell asleep :> crazy. 

I started yapping too much here

im trying to think of some good things that happened this week. 

it was the first week back from midterm break so first week of term1b 

ummmm….…

…………….

;-;

well.

okay idk if this counts but now I love giving anyone compliments about anything that’s compliment worthy 

cause why not and it always makes them really happy or like I never get a bad reaction yk 

I’ve given so many people compliments this week like even teachers I just love being nice it makes me so happy and I love making other people sfsiehsjdbydsbjwmsn 

sorry xD ahahahshgehdbdg it actually makes me happy 

yeah that does count 

yayyy :> #positivemindset

(sorry this is just me being sleep deprived) 

okay it’s confirmed my mom did get remarried and she does have a daughter and my dads lawyer is working on getting her…um idk what it’s called. basically more info on it and stuff 

(I’m back from being zoned out for 15 minutes :D)

oh right! there’s this really sweet new girl in my year and she’s in my arabic class and basically I’ve been worried I look rude to her because I get so annoyed in arabic or bored idk and I just look *** off so basically I think on monday I was like your names (her name) right? and I went on trying to explain it to her and she was smiling at me the whole time i was rambling 😭 but long story short we’re friends now :3 

I was zoned out again- for so long too-

im so tired :’) I just randomly ran out of energy my hands are numb too

okay bye <3 xD 

…………………

….

idk

it’s never that bad I just get tired like being around a bunch of people and like having to just. be there. yk-

i already have school

and omg school is horrible 

why am I having to wake up at 9pm to go socialize right away I just wanna sleep  

………

lately I’ve been like

really really reallyyyyy avoiding thinking

and like just being myself with my thoughts 

and letting myself overthink or get sad

i don’t think anymore I just 

I’ve kind of gotten better at the automatic reactions and responses like now I need to replay the convo after it’s over so I can actually know what I said and what happened because my mind if I actually spoke from me and idk it’d be different 

andd I’ve always been good at it but now I’m so good at the um. mirroring thing idk what to call it I can’t talk when I’m sleepy 

like I’d say/do things not even they’d say/do or I’d never say but it matches their vibe like I don’t need to observe all that much and ik who I can pretend to be that would get along with them the best 

I need to go distract myself bye