just need some advice

I've been thinking a lot about where I am right now, how much I'm lacking, and how much time I have left. I'm writing this because I need some advice on how I should go about the next few months, because everything has gotten so blurry and unclear and I'm not entirely sure how to handle all of it.

For context: I'm currently a sophomore in college and I'm in my second semester. I'm taking up a communications major with a bit of business on the side. My entire sophomore year so far has been online (because of the pandemic), and it's highly likely that my junior year will be spent online as well. Covid and the pandemic hasn't really been handled that well where I'm from, which is unfortunate. It's pretty hard to stay hopeful.

The past year of online classes exhausted me. Recently, it's been scaring me a bit. During the beginning, I could cry about it. Things got hard — it was difficult to balance everything and the assignments kept piling up. My mind always seemed to be somewhere else and I found it hard to concentrate, especially with everything else going on. It was really hard, but at least — at the start, I could cry about it. I cried when it got hard. I cried when it was too much. I cried while chatting with some listeners here, and the hardships of the first semester was actually the reason I found 7cups in the first place. I think that's what's different with how I am now. The days get harder and the classes get more hectic as time passes by. The second semester seems much worse than the first, but I can't cry about it. I want to, but I physically can't. I don't know if I'm numb to it, but I've never really experienced anything like this before — so it is quite scary to me. I want to cry and let everything out. I'm trying to cry while I pour everything out into this forum post. But I just can't. My grades haven't been the best and I know I'm not performing well. I don't even feel like I'm learning anything. I want to cry about it, but tears just won't fall. I really want to cry.

That's pretty much what's been going on with me these days. I'm asking for some advice because I don't wanna experience things like this again in the future. I have a couple options on what my next step would be after this semester:

1. I could take a break — a gap year maybe. I'm exhausted to the point beyond tears. I just want to be able to breathe for a while, and I think a break would allow me to collect myself. There are things I want to work on but academics and college just get in the way of that, so a break might be good. I just want some time to better myself. But as much as I'd want to take a break though, I'd probably be delayed for graduation if I did, and I wouldn't want that. I'd pause time if I could. Plus, a lot of people in my life wouldn't really be pleased if I got delayed. So while a break does sound nice, I'm afraid of what comes after.

2. I'm thinking of transferring. There's nothing wrong with the school I'm in right now, since it's a good school — this is more of a me problem. It's more of me in search for a new beginning, because the more I think about it, the more I feel that I'm just arriving at a dead end if I stay in this school. I can't really picture myself going anywhere with this. The online semester is making me fall out of love with my course as well, and it's quite disheartening to experience. The thing is, the schools I'm thinking of are BIG schools. They're selective, too. And this transferring thing has always just been at the back of my head ever since I entered college, even before the pandemic happened. This is the biggest risk out of all my options, but sometimes I find myself leaning to this the most. I want a new start. I keep picturing scenarios in my head — ones where I'm in different schools, the ones that I dreamt of, with different students and coursemates. For further context: I never got into my dream school. I didn't get into my dream course either, but I'm okay with the major I'm taking now. The thing is, I have a feeling I'd feel lighter if I had a new start and I'm studying things that interest me. If I had gone to a different place, I feel like yes — it would still be difficult, but there would be tears, and ultimately — I'd find it fulfilling. I feel like I'd find it so much more fulfilling. I really do. I keep arriving at dead ends in this school and it leaves me empty. This option is the biggest risk out of everything, but I keep dreaming about it. It's just an idea in my head (I haven't even mentioned it to my parents), and I might have too much expectations and of course there's a big possibility that I'll get disappointed. Nevertheless, I'd really like a new beginning — one that doesn't lead me to another dead end.

3. I keep going in this school that I'm currently in. When I didn't pass my dream school, I told myself that maybe I was destined for this one because I had a reason to be here. I'm starting to get doubtful of that, since it's already my sophomore year and I don't really find any reason. But I still have two more years to go here. I know I mentioned previously that I just keep on arriving at dead ends here, but I sometimes secretly hope that some miracle happens and I'll have that a-ha moment in this school. I'm already used to the processes here as well. I don't know. I think I'm adding this option because it's the safest, and although it's not the one I'm leaning towards — it's the one that I might go with. Because I'm used to this school already. I've always felt so inadequate in this school, and I never really was excited about anything since I was always more worried. Maybe something will come along to change that. I've been waiting for two years, though, and all I've got so far are dead ends.

I never really mentioned anything about this to the people in my life. I'd joke about dropping out with my friends, but those stay as jokes. I keep praying for a sign too — a sign on which direction my life should take. I did so badly this past semester that I feel a bit embarrassed to show face again next year. I don't know. It's kinda funny, because I'm still young and these things I'm worrying about are mostly centered around me. I probably seem self-centered. I know I'm not the only one having a difficult time.

I don't really know what to say at this point. This is a bit long, since I just rambled, and I apologize for that. If you read this, I know we don't know each other personally but I still appreciate it and I thank you. I keep a lot of these problems to myself because I don't want to worry others. That's why I'm posting about this anonymously here. I just really want life to get better.