mental self-abuse/desparation (TW)
TW: abuse, self-abuse, i...don't even know...delusions????? sexual self-abuse
sorry i make so many posts...
but i just now got out of a bout of this and it...i need help, but i don't know what to do.
recently there's been something fucked up...i guess i need to give some backstory, context...
so in early 2015, i was relying on one of my friends for ALL my support. if i had any issue at all, i'd rant to them about it, but they also felt horrible, depressed, suicidal...one day they just lashed out at me, and i got trust issues...i guess that's also why i feel like such a burden and turn away from others because of it, haha.
so that, mixed with my self-pity, i isolated myself. i got real lonely. so i made up...like an imaginary friend, but a girlfriend, in an attempt to feel less lonely. keep in mind, i wasn't talking to ANY of my friends, i avoided my family, it was just myself and that...'imaginary girlfriend'.
i got obsessed. i was on the road to the worst time of my life, at that time, i was not talking to ANYONE. i was abusing myself on several levels, another 'imaginary ....SOMETHING had spawned, and it was extremely sexually abusive...i don't know why i'd do that to myself... the reason i created that 'imaginary girlfriend' was due to desparation, craving to be loved...which is bullshit, cause even though i didn't talk to anyone and nobody really talked to me i was still loved...
and almost 2 years later, i still deal with hints of that...about a week ago (idk, i have no concept of time lol) i'd imagined that...*erases a bunch of text* imagined myself being abused in a way that's..that's fucked with me. there's this disturbance in energy due to that slight trauma, if you will.
i just...i keep imagining that i'm being abused as an attempt to feel loved...it's weird because i have several friends, one i talk to every day, she often tells me she loves me, but i might as well be dead alone i feel so unloved...the thing with the abuse i imagine is the abuser is always sexually abusive, too.
and just...lots of fucked up things. almost every time i imagine it, too, my mind goes into this...gah, idk, but i imagine me with whatever kind of mother my mind creates (never ever a good mother, neglectful and abusive) and...i keep hurting myself in these, desprate for that mother to love me, she never really does...
meh, i'm demotivated rn and just want to talk to my friend, but i'll still post this...this is an issue that's affected me for years now, more or less, i will NOT just leave it in the dust, a secret, for nobody to know...i need help with it. i will not hide it away from that help.
i am also very hungry so i will go get some beans which make me so full i feel like vomiting, bahaha. keep on keeping on 
man...me, at this time, i'm like the embodiment of..gah, what's the word? i think it began with a d...keeping on, persisting, despite there being lots of bad stuff. like it very well could just leave you stuck there, but you persist, you keep on, you do what you need to do and you continue...i oughta be grateful for that. i oughta be grateful for myself in general, haha! don't take yourself for granted...
@WingedTheCat717 - I am incredibly proud of you for opening up about all of that and deciding that you are not going to just let it continue without seeking support - that's a huge step and a difficult one and I think you showed a lot of strength in posting.
Have you ever talked about this stuff with someone before? I think it makes sense that the imaginary girlfriend is filling a need for love and acceptance, but I think that the imaginary abuser is filling some role, too - whether it's something your mind has decided you 'need' or a more real embodiment of an emotion that needed to get out. I wonder if letting out those feelings in another way - through talking or writing or whatever else - might help release the hold of the imaginary abuser.
How have you felt since writing this? Has talking about it lifted any of the weight? Or does it still feel pretty much the same?
@Anomalia
very sorry for such a late reply- i was at camp when you posted this, and then i was kinda just...too anxious to check up here, subconciously expecting shame and the like ^^;
yes-i am simultaineously self-pitying, but when i keep it up, i get sick of it, won't tolerate it anymore. i didn't wanna just...rot anymore, i'd been doing that for years. thank you very much ^^
that...seems interesting. some sort of deeep psycology stuff, i'd need a therapist to figure it out xD but yeah, i write! i've been doing it for years, didn't really intend to xD it started in 2014 when i was angry, i'd write stories (usually somewhat long at least) helping let out my anger at the time. let's say i was angry at homophobes, i'd write a story of a character representing me killing a homophobe...i don't write things like this anymore cause i take death seriously now and so it just makes me feel worse, but that was how i'd let it out...and to this day, i'll write these....i don't know how to explain it! they're kinda poetic, but they're not poems, i'm saying it flat-out and not just in metaphor or however poetry works...
...*AHEM* but yeah...xD i try not to think about that abuser anymore as it makes me VERY dissasociative, makes my mental health and overall life worse, it's far too easy to get addicted to...just starts with a thought. i still think about it sometimes, though, i'll try to write down next time i do...a lot of time it's lonliness, so i'll try to talk to friends as well i guess...
*adds this a little later* so her hold is already kinda weak. it's just...don't think about it. i've been sensing gaining power over it recently, so that is great ^^
i...forgot what i wrote, mostly XD didn't reread it prior to writing this reply. *opens in new tab and glosses over* oh yeah! that time xD
it has been helpful, actually!! i'll be thinking dark-ish things, and if i'm kinda going down a bad path, i'll remind myself of this time, and more or less stop. so it's been good ^^
lonliness is a big issue for me. i blame this on my siblings intentionally making me an outcast, CONSTANTLY implying i'm an embarrassment, and just making me feel like, in the long run, nobody is there, nobody loves me... i have SEVERAL friends, i keep ACCIDENTALLY making friends pretty much every other time i talk to people i don't already know, so surely that's not true...but it still feels that way.
...*forgets what my point was* but yeah...i think i'm just gonna try to love myself (been thinking about thinknig how i love myself right after i wake up, puts a very good start to the day), realizing that i'm not alone, i am loved, i'm not a pain or an embarrassment or a burden... which will be difficult still living with my family who implies the opposite and makes me feel the opposite every other interaction.
thank you for your concern and help, sorry for my late reply. keep on keeping on and happy pride month, btw! ^^
You have done really well to open up.
