my journal: various subjects, opinionating, CW at times
The title explains itself.
If you're interested in the ramblings of a middle-aged man with chronic conditions who, at times, sees things a little too clearly for his own good, then read on.
Sometimes I get political, but it won't be all the time.
I don't mind comments in general but if you're going to differ with what I write, that's fine--as long as you can explain your position clearly & reasonably. Rants, shouting & general incoherence will be ignored or flagged, depending on the situation. Try to remember that not everyone else in this world holds your beliefs.
Every so often I may post art or snapshots of projects I'm working on.
If you're still interested after reading all the above, great. (I do wonder at how much time you have on your hands, though)
homemade meme post
Am tired today...for reasons I haven't stated.
Follow-up to earlier memepost:
Take the above calmly, with a grain of salt...& some caution. Peter Berezin is not God or Nostradamus. Ditto for BCA Research--& for all of us. It is also why when I gaze into my crystal ball I make projections, not predictions. Figuring out the future is a dicey business at best.
Having said that, the main stock indices have been faltering here & there in the last few weeks. Also, his points about loan delinquencies etc. are sound...any cash surpluses middle-class folk had after C0vid's first wave & the Fed's raising of interest rates have been used up by now. Unemployment filings are a bit higher too, if I'm not mistaken....the next few months could be interesting. We will see.
I haven't bought any stocks or ETFs...will say that much. My usual response: sit tight, not sell anything & watch the markets.
Would this be of interest, @Azurepond ?
@slowdecline48 I only have a basic understanding of investments and funds and economy — just enough to follow how they tie into international relations... which is my area of study. But I can say you're absolutely right — projections aren't set in stone. The markets have been shaky lately, especially with rising loan delinquencies and shrinking cash buffers. The ripple effects of trade wars and geopolitical tensions could make things even more unpredictable. Sitting tight sounds like the wisest move. Let's see how the next few months unfold... always interesting. But a recession? I think not.. the core indicators like job growth and consumer spending are still holding up, right? I dont have the data though, let me do a quick google search first. The Fed may cut rates too. Anyway, It feels more like a slowdown than a crash.
@azurePond You have sufficient understanding to post a response with substance. For me, that's all that matters. You have an advanced degree in any case; I read about it in the other thread but don't recall what you majored in. I have a useless liberal arts-type B.A. (biggest screwup in my life so far)...in my real areas of "academic interest", I'm mostly self-educated. Hopefully, going through a university made for good study habits. 🤞🏼
@slowdecline48 I appreciate that! Honestly.... a degree does not define the depth of someone’s knowledge—self-education often leads to a more passionate and well-rounded understanding of a subject. If anything... I feel like I have the most useless degree in my family… well... except for my dad, who studied literature. But then again I only have a bachelor's in Literature and Journalism and now I’m studying International Relations (because why not?)
I did get a good education, not gonna lie—my father made sure of that from fancy schools to top universities. But my love for knowledge, curiosity, and study habits— like half of my traumatic experiences—was also a gift from him 😆 He was the kind of dad who always said "I don’t want an idiot for a kid." And by "idiot' he didn’t mean getting a B in math (he couldn’t care less about grades) he meant not understanding how the world works. So he raised us to ask questions. Even if he was nott always there to answer them he made sure we had the resources to find answers ourselves.
We also had lessons—sometimes even tutors—for things like music, driving, cycling, history, and philosophy.... all those basic things. My dad’s family has always valued education... not just in the academic sense but knowledge itself. My grandfather was a self-educated man...the best man have ever known—a treasure trove of insights. He taught us a lot and that love for knowledge was passed down to us. It is something I’m incredibly proud of.
We were also taught from an early age to judge a person by their knowledge, not by their degree. And the most important life lesson of all? Every human being can teach you something you don’t know. So be humble and open when you approach them—but also be sure of your own knowledge so you can raise questions and challenge them.
Apologies for the essay because that was a lot!😅
@azurePond Why apologize? That was rather interesting to read...
I can't claim a background as affluent as yours (my parents were not wealthy people), but I did get a fairly decent education overall. Went to private schools until the last two grades...my junior & senior years were in a public school. It was unusual in that it's a school for creative kids--I had to put together an art portfolio & submit it. Part of getting into the school was a successful portfolio. Obviously it worked. 😆 I was never a student with a lot of "school spirit" but after a stint of failing in grade school, I buckled down & took it seriously. I did not go to the prom nor the graduation ceremony, because by then I was aware of the world outside high school/teenagerdom. All I wanted to do was leave the latter, & explore.
My first college classes were when I lived in the Midwest with what was then my family. Two community colleges. Later I returned to my hometown to finish it & get that bachelor's. I don't regret going & being a student, but to this day I regret my major....Moses on a pogo stick, what a f**kup that was. By the time I realized my mistake, I was about 3/4ths of the way through the program. It was too late to switch majors & start over. At that point I caught senioritis because why not? 🤷🏼♂️ ...I didn't attend the graduation ceremony, for different reasons that time. When I got the sheepskin it was not the triumph it should've been because I knew I had blown my shot. What came before & after that is a lonnnnggg story without a punchline, a lot of family trouble, some luck, & the inevitable adventures of a young man in different jobs. Then in the late 2010's my main chronic condition emerged.
Maybe it doesn't matter so much now?... To me it still feels like it does. Might change my mind in a decade or two.
@slowdecline48 You've been through a lot.... tough choices, regrets and experiences that shaped you. Many people can relate to realizing too late that they might've taken the wrong path... but I don’t think anything is ever truly wasted. Even if your major didn’t turn out the way you hoped, the fact that you saw it through says something about you. And as for what came after... well... life was never meant to be a straight line, was it? It makes sense that it still feels like it matters. Maybe with time your perspective will shift, but even if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. The way you reflect on it...honestly, without self-pity, and even with humor shows that no matter how you feel about the past you’re still moving forward.
As for privilege—yeah, I get it. I’m not rich or wealthy and now I probably sound like a nepo kid trying to justify things. But I know I’m privileged in ways that go beyond money (Though money is a huge factor too.. Now am I contradicting myself?) My parents made sure I had an education and a roof over my head and that kind of stability makes a huge difference. People love to talk about meritocracy.... about how scholarships and financial aid should go to the "most deserving" students—the ones with the highest scores. But that is complete ***. As a valedictorian in every class I have ever attended I am eligible to say this.
I knew a kid in high school.... an academic rival you could say. He was brilliant. So his background - his dad had left, his family was in debt and he worked at his mom’s shop while taking care of his siblings. He was a scholarship student. And I almost always scored higher than him—not by much maybe five or six points. But I knew those extra points were not because I was smarter. The system was not "rigged"...teachers graded us fairly, I studied hard. But I had the privilege of studying 8 or 10 hours a day while he could only afford say 5 hours. I could get tutoring for subjects I struggled with. My parents knew which colleges and degrees were worth it (not that it made a difference - laughs in currently a student). I had access to career counselors, to guidance, to choices.
People don’t realize how much that matters. Even if you’re not rich having parents who went to college makes a difference. The resources, the networking the quality of education in private schools vs government funded ones—it all adds up. And when people say, “It was your fault for choosing the wrong degree,” maybe that’s half true. Maybe you could’ve done more research. But the other half of the blame? That belongs to the system. Because it didnt gave you choices, advices, the network.
I just wanted to say that. But it is not enough to just call out the system... you have to do something about it. The problem is... I don’t know what that something is. Honestly... I think in my grandparents time... social mobility was easier if you had the drive and the willingness to self-educate. But now? It is getting harder and harder to succeed with just a degree.
@azurePond Hey.... I AM GRATEFUL for my family (most times ..lol), my education and all the things I have. I am trying to do something with my life that will do justice to the gifts God has granted me. But yeah.... I do realize the fairness and unfairness behind it though. That is what I am trying to say.
@azurePond "meritocracy"? 😆 Don't I wish! You listed several factors which give children from privileged backgrounds a running start that poorer kids rarely ever get. I would love to see a society where whether you rise or fall depends entirely on what you do, how well you do it &, more generally, how useful you are to your community. So far I've never encountered one. I was born & raised in the most capitalist nation on Earth (though not a "free market" since it doesn't exist), I've read about life in Soviet Russia before the USSR collapsed in '91 & about other past empires, & I've talked to more foreigners on the Internet than I remember... If there has ever been a government of meritocracy, I haven't heard of it.
Maybe certain dynasties in old China briefly approached it (they've always had well-developed bureaucracy & civil service testing), but that's it. Hierarchy & class structure are inevitable; they've been with us since the city-states of Sumer. I'd bet nepotism, laziness & other forces of decline & disorder have as well.
It would be great to assemble a society that wasn't prey to decline & degeneration....one that could remake the ol' human condition into something that's actually worth a damn, & eventually cross outer space & colonize other planets... (& terraform if necessary, though modifying or discarding human bodies would be better. They're pretty shoddy, when you think about it)
@slowdecline48 That’s a well thought out take and honestly..... I can’t argue with the history lesson—hierarchies and class structures do seem to be humanity’s default setting. Meritocracy is a great concept.... but in practice? It’s more like a limited time offer with fine print that favors the already-advantaged. And as for capitalism vs communism—both systems have ended up being more about power consolidation than genuine "rise by merit." As for avoiding decline and degeneration… that’s the dream right? To build something that doesn’t eventually crumble under corruption, incompetence, and... well... people being people. But history suggests civilizations have a shelf life and so far we haven't found the secret weapon to break that cycle. Maybe once we get past the whole planetary survival phase, we will figure it out—preferably before we take our dysfunctions interstellar. Otherwise we’re just exporting nepotism and bureaucracy to Mars 🚀😆
@azurePond Yours is also a thoughtful take, my dear..."exporting our nepotism" etc., indeed.
(From your name & word choice, I presume you're a woman)
@slowdecline48 "Thoughtful take"—coming from you... that’s high praise indeed. And yes!... "exporting our nepotism" felt like the most fitting phrase for the situation especially since even today many of those who "migrate" for education, healthcare or simply for the sake of it often come from privileged backgrounds (may not always be rich but always has the access to the right channels). And you know what kind of immigrants I am talking about.
(And your presumption is correct! I am a woman)
I hate headaches.
@slowdecline48 I can't stand them either.... Headaches are the worst. But the absolute worst kind? the ones that show up as an allergic reaction to certain things… or certain people. But yeah...regular headaches suck too!
@azurePond No doubt. Mine are fairly regular...in fact I'm never entirely without pain. That's true generally. Gotta love chronic s***. 😤
Was up most of the night...by sunrise, my head had been hurting for a while. I drank some water just in case, then sat down & waited. Eventually I went to sleep...somehow. Now I'm awake but groggy...with a slightly aching head & lower back.
I wanted to pack more of my stuff today.
I cannot afford any more wasted days like this.
It rained hard this morning...now it's raining again. Wonder if that has anything to do with how I've been feeling lately.
It will be after 0830 hrs by the time this goes up.
I was messed up with post-insomnia exhaustion & chronic s*** on Sunday...it's been raining, sometimes hard. That hasn't helped since every time it rains the barometric pressure drops, which affects my ears. (Long story, already told in this journal) So I ate some canned soup & slept... & woke up just after 0200. And could not go back to sleep...
A few minutes later I thought "phuck it", made some coffee & got to work. As of now > 1/2 my library is in milk crates. Still got plenty of 'em but I do want a few more. They're not airtight at all but they are much easier to use than cardboard boxes, are stackable & considerably more resistant to impact & damage on general. Their one weakness is they do not protect contents from moisture...& a lot of what I have is made of 1] paper, & 2] steel, including 1095 & other carbon steels.
Such substances do not resist moisture well at all.
Fortunately, there are ways around the above problem.
After I was done for the night, I had some rice.
I've realized that while I can be all packed & moved out by early next month--maybe even leave the apartment clean(ish)--it will not happen on a regular day-to-day schedule. I can only work when my body is up to it. That means I must get enough rest, & when I have energy I gotta bust my a.ss & get as much done as possible before it runs out & I crash.
Right now it's raining again...no point in bringing anything to my truck. But I'm conking out soon...& will go get more crates later. Know just where, too. The plan is to keep cardboard box use to a minimum.
I almost forgot:
Am sorry to tell you this, @azurePond , but given my current situation I won't be able to contribute much to the learning thread...not for the rest of the month & a week after, at least. Past that, who knows. My life is busy & when it's not, that's because I've been sick. Been playing catch-up (unsuccessfully, really) on projects for a few weeks now. Read previous journal entries for more explanation, if you want.
@slowdecline48 Sounds like you’ve been pushing through a lot—lack of sleep, the rain messing with you and the whole moving process on top of it. Milk crates seem like a solid choice despite the moisture risk and it’s good that you’re pacing yourself based on when your body allows. No need to apologize for stepping back from the learning thread—you’ve got enough on your plate. And the thread will be here when you come back healthier. Hope you get some solid rest soon and that the move goes as smoothly as possible. Take care <3
@azurePond Thanks...nice of you to say so.
@slowdecline48 Hopefully the rain lets up soon and then holds off so you can get done what you need to.
@slowdecline48 I will never get how adults do it. Still, atleast you are resting when you need it 🫡🫡
@mytwistedsoul - It's supposed to be clear skies this whole week, according to my weather app. I never look at any weather prediction past three days in advance, as weather is so complex & variable...how can anyone know what it will be like in a week from now, let alone two weeks? Right now it isn't raining. It is a bit windy. The storm might've blown out to the Atlantic by now. Am feeling tempted to go to the walk-in/emergency facility about my sinuses, just to get cleared up so I can do what's necessary...
@unassumingEyes - You'll never understand how adults do what? Am not following here...please explain.
@slowdecline48 I usually look at the extended outlook. I don't believe it lol but I do look at it
I think if I were you I'd go back to the docs and have them give you something for them. They might not have had you on it long enough to completely clear it up. No sense in suffering
@slowdecline48 how adults...live i suppose. Theres no small amount of obstacles, is there?
😆 Overall, no...but that ain't the whole story, young'un! Check this out:
- Some obstacles are big; many are small; others are in-between.
- If you plan things out in advance, you can avoid obstacles before you run into them.
- Almost any obstacle can be nullified in some way: go over it, under it (get a shovel!), knock it down, drill holes in it, etc. If it's too big, turn around & go back until you can figure out a way around it.
- If an obstacle is really tough (or dangerous), there's no shame in getting help. Sometimes you need more than one brain to solve a problem.
The above is just food for thought.
...well, well. It looks like someone is being petty.
Not in CupsLand--this is someone I know in real life. Went to the nearby WaHo only to hear that a waitress named Hayley* said I was banned from the place. She wasn't on shift tonight, though...I got something to eat anyway.
A few thoughts:
- A few nights back, I did say something in passing that was a bit rude. I wasn't being serious at the time & later I heard Hayley was offended, so I apologized to her for it. To go around telling everyone that I've been banned from the WaHo after that... So petty. Am not worried about it because
- ....of all the places to get banned from, the last one you should ever cry over is Waffle House. Anyone who's been to one knows why. That's if she's telling the truth, which I doubt. Banning a customer is a manager's decision, not one a waitress can make.
- Hayley recently moved into the same apartment complex I'm getting ready to move out of. We talked about it at the time...she was very happy to find a unit there. She was happy as a lark because she has the place to herself (I fly solo too), & was previously in a house with a few s***ty roommates. I totally get it...but Hayley has only been here for under two months. She's a new fish. She does not know how this complex is...yet.
Yeah...I've been in this termite mound for over eight years. Too long! 🤢 Long enough to see how it's been sliding downhill since the current leasing firm bought & took over the place in...I believe it was 2018. I remember when this complex was tolerable...not great, but okay. Now it's slowly turning ghetto. Longtime readers may remember certain instances I posted in this journal a while back. The best days this complex had have passed, maybe even before I found it...now it's a cut-rate place, little better than a human termite mound.
And Hayley has moved in here.
Are you getting this? 😄
If she has an issue with me, oh well. 🤷🏼♂️ "***" as the kids say in Netspeak. Soon enough I'll be gone & on my land, & this anthill will be her problem.
*Name changed to anonymize the guilty party.
@slowdecline48 Wait… so she just went around saying you were banned when thats not even her call? And over something you already apologized for? If anything that just makes her look bad. Anywaay... you’re almost out of that place huh? After 8 years, I can imagine it’s about time. It’s wild how some apartment complexes start off decent and then just… deteriorate. Are you serious about the termites or is that just a metaphor for how bad the place has gotten? Because if it’s literal...thats a huge issue. Makes you wonder how some of these places are even allowed to stay open when they’re clearly not being maintained properly. But I guess as long as they meet the absolute bare minimum legal requirements...the management doesn’t care. Still 8 years is a long time, I am sure you have some good memories about the place(also bad ones, if the termites are real) and you’ve got some big moves ahead..... honestly...it feels like you’re closing out this chapter for something waaay better...Oh...btw how’s your headache? And is it raining over there? No rush to reply, just checking in. Hope you’re good!
😆 No, it's a metaphor...the complex is the mound & us residents are the bugs. There aren't any real termites here that I've seen. There was a cockroach infestation at one point but I handled it...never even called maintenance. After I got fed up with flattening them, I went to a big-box store & got a gallon of stuff...serious stuff. Within 24 hours, almost all the shellbacks were gone. By the 36 hours in, there was nothing in the unit except me.
If insects ever form an International Criminal Insect Court, I will be charged with genocide..."roachicide", perhaps.
@slowdecline48 Thank goodness it was just a metaphor! For a moment... I was ready to organize a full scale rescue mission to get you out of there😆 As for roachicide—now thats a courtroom drama I’d pay to see.... “Your Honour, my client was simply exercising their inalienable right to pest control!”
*The asterisks were supposed to say ID.GA.F. Didn't know that acronym was on the list of censored terms here....
I'm feeling so tempted to post the naughtiest animated GIFs the widget gas available, just for s**ts & giggles...
@slowdecline48 Yeah acronyms are censored here...I once tried OM...FG ..but it got censored. Also h3ll gets censored..
Woke up with a headache...some back pain from lifting stuff yesterday. Which means nothing. Am guzzling water to make sure I'm not dehydrated.
I will not waste this day.
Twisty's right, though...I should go to the walk-in clinic again. The infection isn't as strong as it was the first time, but still.
...but first, coffee.
@slowdecline48 Always coffee first!
Better to nip the sinus infection in the bud before it gets worse. That way you don't have that working against you while you're trying to move
@mytwistedsoul After being checked out today, & thinking about how things have been, it might just be more congestion than usual... It's sticky & yellow but not like when I was down for a week & a half. I have been getting things done since taking the doxy. The doc prescribed something else...some kind of spray. Figure I'll have to soak in a hot bath first to open up the sinuses & all before the first dose. I'll start using cough syrup again...that's what's really stuck with me, more than anything else. Most likely it's the pollen & this old apartment at the same time, that's causing this. One more reason to get outta here soon.
Am sitting down right now, though...today was rather busy.
@slowdecline48 Nothing wrong with sitting and resting. I know time is of the essence with moving. I hope the spray helps. I'm really hoping that the allergies improve once you're out of that place
That's what I'm betting on, too...
Ya know...I might have to improve my diet more than I've been doing in the last few years.
This will be difficult.
@slowdecline48
100 passengers have been rescued according to most sources. We dont watch the news in my house during Ramadhan, so i actually didnt know about this till you posted. BLA gave an ultimatum of 48 hours for the prisoners exchange
Thanks for the update, @unassumingEyes. I'm just glad those 100 people are okay, at least physically. You're not anywhere nearby this, are you? For your sake I hope not...
@slowdecline48 nope, im a good distance away
That's a relief!...
S***...gotta pick up stuff at the pharmacy today. It must be done, & photocopies...but I want to save my strength for tomorrow & Friday. The plan is to pack a few more crates tomorrow (or later tonight, depending) then do another run to the storage unit. Also gonna throw most of my wood in there, too: the small logs in my living room I scavenged a few years earlier--did I do that before the pandemic? Geez, I can't remember--& what's left of the hardwood boards I bought at the Woodcraft store in Jax, before it closed down in '24.
...all this, & I'm feeling slightly dazed right now. 🤦🏼♂️ Maybe I'll feel better after eating something...
...the photocopying can wait. Early next week if necessary. Other tasks are more important now.
...Gotta say I don't feel like driving anywhere today. The pollen is flying at the moment.
@slowdecline48 I hate to be that person but… OMG... you’re dizzy?! Go eat something, like, NOW! 😳🍽️
@azurePond I did. 😄 It wasn't because of hunger... vertigo is one of the symptoms of my main chronic condition. When I have a flareup, vertigo & brutal head pain ensue. This morning it was partially due to lack of sleep.
Got the "saving strength" part done today, anyway... Still need to do laundry.
@azurePond If you're curious, you can read about my condition here. Since then, however, testing has revealed that Meniére's was an incorrect diagnosis. Symptoms are still the same.
@slowdecline48 Oh... I know about Ménière's (thanks for the link anyway) About the incorrect diagnosis.... I hope you're getting closer to real answers now and they are not just treating your symptoms. Are the doctors exploring any new possibilities? Im not an expert but since the symptoms are the same, it could be related to your inner ear—perhaps an inner ear infection or another issue affecting balance and hearing?
The last ENT doc said it was "neurological", which says little...another one (physician's assistant, I think) mentioned "vestibular migraines". For all I know, that could be it. 🤷🏼♂️
@slowdecline48 Oh okay… Vestibular migraines are definitely a possibility and they’re often mistaken for Ménière’s (I just asked someone about it) apparently.... Ménière’s gets misdiagnosed all the time! When I asked, they also mentioned it could be neurological...there are so many neurological conditions that could cause this… even multiple sclerosis can lead to these symptoms.
Ah well... Us playing doctor isnt going to solve anything. I just hope they figure out the real cause soon and you start feeling better.
By the way.... how’s the move going? Got everything packed yet?
@azurePond Not everything but more than at the time of the post before this one. If I have sufficient energy I will pack the pots & pans/kitchen stuff this weekend (if not, then Monday or Tuesday). Also gonna bring my food reserves down: mostly rice & beans, with a few cartons of oats. Might use up the flour before I leave...we'll see how it goes.
@slowdecline48 Sounds like you’re making good progress! Also, prioritize your health....Hope everything goes smoothly for you!
