wanting to better myself?

I'm quite confident. sometimes however confidence can get to my head a bit.

I've tried to reflect on this the last few days because I've been working on a group project for school. we couldn't make the groups ourselves so I'm in a team with some random people, and well, I just can't help but think they're just kind of lame. idk. well if I'm going to be really honest I think they're really fucking lame, like I almost pity them. this one girl wore a Harry Potter shirt and literally all she does is read. And another guy only plays videogames. they never go out or do anything fun and don't have many friends.

Anyway, I've noticed being around those kind of people makes my own ego inflate a bit too much. its just that I know they're not going to ask anything from me or disagree with anything I say and also I don't care what they think of me so I just know I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I know it's bad but idk it's just what happens. so yeah, I've treated these last few weeks as an early Holliday and showed up only a few times when it suited me. I've practically contributed nothing to the project.

sure I feel a little guilty about that but it's not even the thing that really bothers me. the thing that I feel truly conflicted about is that apparently somewhere in me I actually like to upset these kinds of people. I kept bringing up provoking topics and acting annoyed/indifferent towards them and maybe I also touched the border of mocking them a bit. there's one more member to my group, a girl who's alright, so we decided to buy some materials for our project in the store around the corner. After being gone for over an hour we returned with the material and also some beers. we offered our other group members some, they refused, we wanted to know why and then the whole situation became a bit mocking because we kept saying sarcastic things they didn't get. idk, anyway, me and this girl ended up just laughing and drinking beer while they worked on the project visibly annoyed, and I kinda enjoyed it?

now that the moments passed I feel a bit gross about it. I don't know, it's just hard to recognize your ugly side. but that's why I'm writing this, to make a note to myself.

There are many things I feel shitty and guilty about. I am afraid I'll eventually hate who am if I don't find a way to calm this negativity in me.

I know some of my friends also disapprove of the things I've said and done. I know I sometimes hurt them and I'm making them like me less, so I don't understand why I keep doing this. I don't want to lose the people I'm close to.

the first few days of deciding to become more ''sympathetic'' I was motivated, now I often find myself feeling unsure. changing the way I feel towards certain things seems impossible. I'll never say that I ''can't do something'' when something is hard, I'm not a quitter. but I just wonder if it is worth it.

I don't know how to write what I'm thinking so I'll leave it at that. I think there's a lot I want to write but I just don't know.

I told my girlfriend I cheated on her even though I didn't.

it all happened some time ago but it's still on my mind. I don't really understand why I did what I did and I've always tried to not think about it, but I guess today is the day. that's why I joined this fucking site, to finally face those parts of me I don't want to face.

I think I have some issues with love and relationships. I always back off the second things get a bit too serious. I know I've hurt people. this is why I don't really like dating in general.

me and B ''dated'' for over a year. I put dated in quotations because I'm not really sure you can call it dating. It was really an on and off kind of thing. We saw other people during this time but always kinda came back to each other. I guess we just really became best friends, we hung out a lot and just also sometimes had sex. like friends with benefits, but then there was just also always some kind of romance somewhere. idk it's hard to explain, I already knew back then she wanted to progress this thing further but when things got intimate I always backed off again.

eventually she told me I was leading her on and that if I didn't officially wanted to be with her she would move on. I didn't think I could be in a relationship but I also didn't wan't to lose her, I had never met someone I clicked with like with her. I felt pressured to say yes even though it made me uncomfortable from the start. I wanted to tell her I wasn't ''ready'' but I felt I couldn't do that to her after playing hot and cold with her for over a year, so instead I just warned her that I might not be a good boyfriend but agreed to be together.

even though I tried I still couldn't open up to her or be romantic or intimate. she never complained about this but I knew in the back of my mind that that was what she wanted and deserved. now it was just like we were exclusive friends with benefits even though she wanted a romantic relationship. I knew I could/can never love her the way she deserves to be loved. I know this sounds fucking dramatic but idk it's just how I feel.

this anxiety that I could never keep her satisfied ''emotionally'' made me secretly jealous of all guys she talked to and afraid she would leave me. I hated that she suddenly had this sort of power over me, that she could hurt me, break my heart and make me look like a complete fool.

I guess that's why I self-sabotage. to make sure I was a step ahead of her. At a party she run into an old friend, I saw the click they had and this fear kicked in. I don't know why but I became really distant. feeling rejected and being drunk I tried to hook up with an old friend-with-benefits, luckily unlike me she's was not a terrible person and didn't want to be a home wrecker. instead of sleeping with me she brought drunk and reckless me home and preached that I was being an asshole and an idiot ruining the only good relationship I ever had.

anyway that didn't stop me because the next day when my girlfriend asked me where I had suddenly gone I just didn't deny it when she asked if I had cheated on her. I think I also felt like I had to say that since I was totally ready to cheat on her. it wasn't far from te truth. I shouldn't be in a relationship.

I don't know how to start this post. it's an issue that I don't really know what to make of yet. basically it's about my alcohol and drug consumption. it's not something I'm worried about but something that does kind of effect my mental state I guess?

it's a hard realization but I guess coke is just not the drug for me. there isn't really a problem but I just know I have a little bit of a more problematic relationship with coke than most people do. nothing too serious though, but it can definitely effect my personality a bit too much, and once I've had that first bump I want to get fucked up.

also, I get really bad hungover from it. like not physically but mentally.

I guess I have quite a busy social-life and fact is just that at most parties and festivals or whatever drugs are just the norm. and coke is just easiest and most common right? I'm not gonna be taking xtc every weekend. 3mmc I really like but my friends don't really fuck with that shit, it's quite bad for your health.

so yeah, we also use other stuff but coke and alcohol is kind of the default. and its just a few too many times that coke and alcohol got the better of me. it's not something that's a problem but I just wanted to write about it. I think it's important I notice it at least.

I'm feeling conflicted.

there's this daunting thought that maybe I would actually possibly benefit from talking to someone. even writing it out makes me uncomfortable.

idk I sometimes feel there's this attitude that if you have some unresolved personal issues it's like immature or irresponsible to not acknowledge them and not work on them. like, if people find out maybe you have some sort of issue mentally they judge you for just ''letting it cause problems/hurting people'' instead of facing it and curing it. it's so hard to put into words what I'm trying to explain right now, idk if it makes any sense. maybe it's not even true or not even what I'm trying to say.

idk, all I know is sometimes I'm kind of afraid that's me, or going to be me. for years now I've had the feeling that something isn't exactly sitting right in my mind, and I do think that this issue is partly responsible for some of the really shitty, dumb, hurtful things I've done and still do actually.

I know somethings not really wright and it's my responsibility only to fix it. I can't just let it go on like this and still expect people to respect me. I'm trying to be the best person I can be. I work out a lot, I'm confident, I see friends everyday, I do fun things and go to parties/festivals/hollidays, I have a nice job and I go to school. like, I should be fucking thriving but this stupid negativity won't go. It stays with me no matter how hard I try to reject it.

i've had it for years now and sometimes I'm afraid that actually the best way to handle it is to like actually talk about it. what if I would actually benefit from talking to someone and as long as I'm not doing that im just unnecessarily dragging this thing out damaging my relationships and holding me back. the thing is just that the thought of talking about it with someone, anyone, gives my brain an instant error.

I know what I'm supposed to do when I feel bad.

for example exercising almost always works, going to the gym or otherwise just going for a run. also meeting with friends works, doesn't really matter where or who.

like I KNOW not to pay too much attention to this feeling and to not dwell in it, focus on something else, bend your mood. it works. It's just that sometimes it feels so exhausting and endless to always try to stand above this feeling. but like I do, I really try to. I really try to not let it get me down and to stay good.

it's just sometimes I can't care. I really don't like to call myself a quitter, I praise myself for not giving up easily or at least I try to. and I know I can always shake off this feeling if I really try, but sometimes I just give in idk. It's stupid and it always makes me feel worse so I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I just let it.

then I just feel this intense need to be away from everyone. like I don't want to be around anyone but I also don't want to be home because I don't want people to know I'm just sitting at home.

It’s hard to admit this, even anonymously on some random thread that no one reads, but I think maybe I have some kind of fear of emotions.

I’ve recently realized that I totally see emotions as a weakness or at least as something embarrassing. I guess this belief could be contributing to some of the issues I have in life, but honestly I don’t think I can (or want to) let go of my view on this.

I understand how it can be a toxic belief but on the other hand it also really has a core of truth. I know some people will say they don’t agree since we live in a time in which mental health is all hip and shit. But I also believe those people just lie to themselves to give themselves excuses to dwell in their emotions instead of doing the hard thing and getting over it.

Idk up to a certain extent people should have the self discipline to not get upset over stupid shit. That’s just true. We all know how annoying and immature it is when someone whines about things they can easily handle themselves.

Idk I’m getting kinda angry for no reason writing this so I’ll just leave it at that.

okay so, i just have a lot of fear around opening up to people. I know it's not true but I really feel like I'm physically unable to talk about internal things. and honestly this fear is really messing me up sometimes. It makes me feel stuck and isolated. sometimes I feel like I can't deal with this on my own anymore, it's just such a daunting feeling to know that no matter how bad it get's I'll still have to deal with it on my own because I'm just physically unable to confide in someone. sometimes I think maybe I should try to tell someone somethings wrong but immediately I have a million reasons not to. there's just no one I would feel comfortable talking to, and that's not because of them, I have a lot of great friends and not a bad relationship with my parents either. but I just hate the idea of talking to any of them. I've also briefly thought about talking to someone professionally but even writing this makes me feel ashamed. honestly I've tried to picture how something like that would go and only the thought of it makes my chest tight my breath short and lightheaded. I know this sounds so dramatic and I know it makes no sense but for some stupid reason I'm honestly kind of terrified of talking to someone. I'm afraid I wouldn't know what to say, afraid I'll shut down, afraid everything will get messy and awkward. It'll just be so humiliating. I'm also kinda afraid that once it's out in a way I'll fall apart, lose my strengt and get all weak, and what if that then can't be undone and I'll be all pathetic and sad. I don't know if I can have the same confidence as I have now or see myself the same way after I've vocalized my problems. what if my whole image of myself gets all messed up and I turn into something awful and pathetic. I know this all sounds super dramatic and this is irrational catastrophic thinking, but still in a way this is really what I'm afraid of.

I never want to say that I can't do something, I hate people with that mindset and I'll always try, but honestly this is something that I just feel I can't. I'm just too scared to try and I have way too much to lose.

but on the other hand I want to open up more because this emotional isolation is fucking with me.

I'm back. I've been doing okay. I just have conflicting feelings. on one hand I feel so grateful. I've had the most privileged live you can possibly imagine. I'm male, white, healthy, I have rich parents, I'm tall, conventionally attractive and I live in a first world county. I've always had many great friends and had many great opportunities. basically, I've never been mistreated or had any misfortune, my life has been so perfect.

but I guess that's also what makes me feel so ashamed and guilty for being the person I turned out to be. all the shit I'm doing is really only to blame on me. everyone supported me, my parents and the world have given me everything for a perfect life but I just screw up and throw it away. I don't understand.

I can feel so fucking ashamed for not being happy, not being successful, not being a ''good'' person. I have no excuse or reason.

I'm back once again. shits been great actually. I'm just so glad I have this big group of friends. I really feel like I have everything I could want (well maybe some more money, I'm still a student living on student loan.) but yeah no complaints. In general I feel extremely great about myself and my life, I just still sometimes have these episodes of negativity. I can just feel so angry for like no reason or kinda arrogant which also sometimes makes me say ''not-so-nice'' things.

but yeah. I'm great