wanting to better myself?
lol I struggle so much to put any of my thoughts into words. I keep deleting and re-writing every fucking sentence.
anyway, I'm really not happy with my character? idk how to explain it.
I often have quite mean, judgmental, selfish or arrogant beliefs. sometimes I behave like a total asshole. there are things I've done and said that I now really regret. But also in smaller ways I feel like I'm just not really a good person.
lol I find it so fucking hard to actually write what I want to say. But basically, there are a lot of big and small things in my mentality but also in my lifestyle that I kind of want to change.
and well, I'm afraid it's something to do with my mental health in some way. idk. I find it really hard to think about my mental health and it's absolutely not something I really like to talk about. but I feel like I just have to get my thoughts straight because something is not sitting right. idk.
so yeah, this tread is just like some documentation trying to become a little less of a dick and also get some clarity in my mind.
damn fucking hardest thing I ever wrote and I'm barely even saying anything haha lol.
back once again. I'm doing great. I don't think I've been this good and happy in years. still not perfect but fucking great. there's just still sometimes these negative moments. often anger. I can sometimes suddenly feel such a hatred towards something or someone. just stupid things. I'm having a fine day but then one small stupid thing happens, like my computer doesn't start or something dumb and in a matter of seconds I get so angry. I also experience it a lot with my roommates, obviously, especially with one, and it's always the most cliche shit like they don't clean the kitchen or use my stuff. I never really say anything but it gets me in a very agitated mood and then one thing can set me off. sometimes it just annoys me when I see they're just chilling on the couch. like they're literally doing nothing, just minding their business and it annoys me? fucking hell, last week I almost got into a fight with this random dude in the streets, like over nothing, he yelled something to us and I was fucking ready to go.
I don't know where this anger is coming from but yeah