A Boundless Path 💜

@SkillfullMeans

Loving kindness my experience

I give credit to my last DBT Skills Coach for learning the life altering state of loving kindness. I do a half smile when ever I think of that! I just finished a year long with her.

I was doing weekly diary cards. She said my numbers for happiness are always the same (pretty good). She asked if I thought I could increase them. I said no absolutely not, this as good as it gets, I am happy here. (No chaos).

At first it was really frustrating. I could not generate a feeling of love. I didn't like the word. Week after week she encouraged me to keep trying. I was trying to use the standard pharses, "May you be happy...". I had trouble remembering them. Then I would get in all sorts of analysis about the people I am doing the pharses for. 

Finally on Utube I ran across a monk, using the four directions to radiate LK. It clicked, it worked. He would have you spend 5 min in the beginning getting that warm fuzzy feeling up and running. Then you start with the directions. 

I did a week long retreat with him online. I am not sure, without this concerted effort, that I would have gotten to where I am now where I can pull it up when I want to. I'd say I spend about 20 percent of my day in this state. I can feel the chemical change from stress state to lk. It is very rewarding. If something sad comes up I switch to compassion state.

@SkillfullMeans

Check the facts, dbt inspired

Emotion I want to change fear. 

Promting event: I was reading my journal and read "I felt I was on a spirtual pilgrimage" Was i delusional? I was happy, excited to wake up, wondering what the day would bring. This was when traveling us for two years.

Assumptions: Being delusional would be a bad thing. Being delusional could be a good coping response.  Doing and thinking mystical things could mean you ate mentally ill.  I assume you either are or your not. Being happy can mean your delusional.  Thinking doing mystical things could be dangerous especially if you are mentally ill.  Famous Mystics have been said to have mental illness. 

Test assumptions. Plenty of people with and without mental illness have mystical experiences.  Being mentally ill has it advantages.  Could be both and vs either or.

Danger depends on lots of factors illness how severe, what type, what practicing are they doing, do they have a teacher ect.  

Am I assuming a threat? I am afraid of I go much more into dbt or buddhism I will have a mental health break. What is the level of threat? 5 out of 100.

Other possible outcomes? I do what I am doing and remain mostly happy and content. I could up my practices and become more fullfilled, even and helpful.

What's the catastrophe?  Image the worst  occurring and coping well. I notice my numbers on my diary card change drastically. I call psych nurse practioner.. make app. Talk with her see what's going on, if I need more support, med change ect. 

I don't notice I am changing. My family knows the signs and have agreed to intervene if needed.

Does my emotions or intensity fit the facts? The fear does but not the intensity. It makes sense I would be cautious considering what I have been through. A little fear is normal.

What does wise mind say? Quit worrying  and keep going your doing great!

@SkillfullMeans

I need to refine my system a bit! I am fine with these numbers. If they go below five in a few different categories then I see if something is going on.

@SkillfullMeans

Here is what the next seven days are looking like🌷

@SkillfullMeans

This was the biggest turning point for me:

Pema Chödrön uses the phrase “unconditional friendliness” as a way of describing the Buddhist practice of turning toward ourselves (and others) with compassion, rather than judgment or harshness.

Here’s the heart of what she means:

🔹 What It Is

• Being kind to yourself in every moment, even when you feel messy, angry, scared, or ashamed.
• Not waiting until you “fix yourself” to be worthy of kindness.
• Treating your inner experience like you would a dear friend’s—not rejecting it, but welcoming it.

🔹 Why It Matters

• Many people approach mindfulness or self-improvement with self-criticism (“I should be calmer,” “I’m doing this wrong”).
• Pema points out that real healing begins when we soften toward ourselves instead of fighting with who we are.
• This creates the ground for bodhicitta (the awakened heart)—compassion that naturally extends to others.

🔹 How She Teaches It

• In her book The Wisdom of No Escape, she says:

  The path of meditation isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.

• Practices like mindfulness, tonglen (sending/receiving compassion), and loving-kindness meditation are ways to cultivate unconditional friendliness.

🔹 Practical Examples

• When anxiety arises, instead of “I hate this, make it go away,” you might say:

  “Hello, anxiety. You’re part of my experience right now. I’ll sit with you kindly.”

• If you feel shame, rather than pushing it away, you could place a hand on your heart and offer yourself warmth, just as you would to a hurting friend.

🌱 In DBT language, “unconditional friendliness” is very close to self-validation and radical acceptance—turning toward your inner world with acknowledgment and kindness instead of denial or judgment.

👉 Would you like me to show you how to translate Pema’s “unconditional friendliness” into DBT-style self-validation statements you could use in daily life?

Again I was very lucky to be learning and practicing unconditional friendliness while traveling. I could take as much time as I needed and it was alot. I was so enthralled with the different cultures it was hard to be mad at myself in that environment. I felt part of what was going on outside of people. 

I also had a enlightening experience as I left for the traveling. I was a bit hysterical and realized I have absolute nothing to lose. I felt it was all gone. My whole being relaxed. The long race was over. I could quit fighting to succeed. Trying to have value in society. I didnt have to be anyone. I could just be with whatever happened next. I had very little control. I thought there is nothing left to do but befriend myself. No use fighting it anymore. Myself and.my dingo dog turned.out to be my best friends. I was encouraged by pema everyday to do this.

@SkillfullMeans

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), created by Marsha Linehan, self-validation is the practice of recognizing, accepting, and affirming your own feelings, thoughts, and experiences without judgment. It’s about telling yourself that what you feel makes sense given your history, biology, or current situation—even if your feelings don’t “solve” the problem.

Linehan emphasized that invalidation (from others or ourselves) fuels emotional suffering. Self-validation is an antidote: it builds self-respect, reduces shame, and makes it easier to regulate emotions.

Key Points of Self-Validation in DBT (Linehan’s approach):

1. Acknowledge your feelings – Notice and name what you feel (“I feel sad,” “I feel angry”).
2. Accept them as real and understandable – You don’t argue with or dismiss them.
3. Normalize the response – Remind yourself why it makes sense you’d feel this way (based on your circumstances, learning history, or biology).
4. Be compassionate toward yourself – Respond with kindness rather than harsh self-criticism.

Examples of Self-Validation Statements (DBT-style)

• “It makes sense that I feel anxious before this appointment; it’s important to me.”
• “Anyone who went through what I did would feel hurt.”
• “My anger is telling me I care deeply about this issue.”
• “I’m doing the best I can with the skills I have right now.”

Would you like me to put together a step-by-step guide you can actually use in the moment (like a mini-script you could follow when you notice strong emotions)?

from chatgp

I realized i have a concern in the back of my mind that is affecting my feelings, thoughts, how I act and make decisions. I am afraid I could go back to the *** scape I was in. 

Given my history it makes sense I would be worried about emotional flooding and dysregulation. I spent much of my life in there. Trying to find some way out, trying to get some peace from symptoms, a break.

This dysregulated state has not been back in the last three years. I hit a bottom and much about me has changed.

While it makes sense to not want to go back there, it also is true I have a reprieve, a remission from my symptoms. It is skillful for me to begin to relax around the idea I am mentally healthy at this time. I am.safe with myself. I canntrust myself. I can continue to learn how to have good feelings and enjoy a simple life without chaos!  Learning and practicing self valadation put me on this path of liking myself.

@SkillfullMeans

Great question 🌱 — Marsha Linehan (the founder of DBT) adapted mindfulness from Buddhism into a practical, skills-based approach for everyday life. Her teachings are less about religious framing and more about concrete instructions.

Here’s a DBT Mindfulness “to remember” list (straight from Linehan’s framework):

🧘 DBT Mindfulness Skills (Marsha Linehan)

1. The “What” Skills (what to do when being mindful)

• Observe – Just notice. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without trying to change them.
• Describe – Put words on your experience. “I’m noticing my heart racing,” or “This is sadness.”
• Participate – Enter fully into the moment with awareness, not half-in/half-out.

2. The “How” Skills (how to practice mindfulness)

• Nonjudgmentally – Notice without labeling things “good” or “bad.”
• One-mindfully – Focus on one thing at a time.
• Effectively – Do what works, what helps in the situation, not what you “should” do.

🌀 Wise Mind (core DBT mindfulness concept)

• Emotion Mind = ruled by feelings.
• Reasonable Mind = ruled by logic.
• Wise Mind = the balance—inner knowing that blends both.

👉 Remember: Wise Mind is always there—you just have to step into it.

🌟 Marsha Linehan Mindfulness Reminders

• “Notice. Don’t judge. Return.”
• “Focus on one thing in the moment.”
• “Describe your experience in words.”
• “Wise Mind: balance emotion and reason.”
• “Do what works, not what hurts.”

Would you like me to put Marsha Linehan’s mindfulness (DBT) next to Buddhist mindfulness in a side-by-side cheat sheet, so you can see how they overlap and differ?

With all the controversy that has come out I am gladni learned mindfulness from dbt. It was straight forward. Just took and takes practice. Mindfulness can also be called being present, being aware, being awake., amount other things. We all have the ability. 

@SkillfullMeans

@QuiteMagic  I am twirling about and can't find where you responded I read it this morning thank you!

I have a feeling I am not supposed to do this but I referred a couple people to you as a listener. I think you would be great help. I suggested one come over here and read.

@SkillfullMeans

K87 if you see this will you type hello? 

@SkillfullMeans

Hi, I'm trying ur advice to hopefully talk to ur friend, at this point I'm irritated enough with the search engine and it apparently not working that I'm more determined just because lol