An apology to myself
Earlier I was very mean to myself, I said some very hateful things about myself that I didn't mean, I hate it when I get sleep deprived because I get so mean not to really anyone else except myself. Staying crap like I'm the r word, I'm just a stupid girl, the cult is the reason why I am the way I am.
It's not true I am more than who I was "raised" by, the cult doesnt define me or who I am. I did a good job trying to just take care of me and work till I moved out. Yes they did mess me up and I'm not perfect but the only one who's perfect is god, he made us to be imperfect so we can learn from our mistakes. I try my best to understand that I'm still learning a lot, and trying to understand so much.
Being brainwashed, manipulated, controlled, lied to, it's not easy. Do a full 360 I'm learning things that no one taught me, yes there are a lot of things that I'm learning that someone in their late twenties would already know, but that's okay! It doesn't feel okay though it makes me feel very insecure about myself, it makes me feel dumb and weak. But it's actually quite the opposite because I am willing to learn, I'm willing to understand that I do not know everything, I'm willing to learn from my mistakes and are willing to learn from others mistakes too. I am growing, I am strong, I'm growing confidence to do and try different things. There is so much I know now more than before I have been making tremendous progress in many ways and I have every right to be proud of my accomplishments. I'm slowly getting used to doctors and understanding that they are in fact real doctors and not the ones in the cult, same with psychiatry, therapy, etc.
I just need to have the same patience with myself that others have with me, that's the only way this will work and I understand that that's a goal that will take a while but I know I can do it. As long as I believe in myself and God, God has a plan and if he didn't think I could handle any of this he wouldn't put me in these positions. He's making me stronger and helping me realize and learn different things, thank you Lord.
I'm sorry to myself for not giving myself grace, empathy, sympathy, love, sleep, compassion, care. I try my best I my best I love myself enough to acknowledge what I'm doing to myself and how mean I can get. I love me, I'm very sorry, I can handle this❤️❤️❤️
Hiya @crimsonRaspberries1486 this is a journal so I’m not sure if replies are welcome but I couldn’t not let you know that I see you and that I’m so so so so proud of youuuu! 💖
More power to youu!
Thank you so much, I'm trying my best some days are better than other! 💓💓
@crimsonRaspberries1486 trying to learn about life and the world is soooo hard 🙁 after being in a cult, it's like you come to another world one you never knew existed, it's very overwhelming😕 I often feel stupid too🙁 but yes you are doing so very well, you've learnt so much since then and you are so much better than the people who raised you 💖hugs you tightly 💖
Starts to cry
I've been trying to tough it out but it's nearly impossible I can't describe the pain at all it's so bad and the utter heart break everyday but I know I have you and my wife because you two know my pain. I know that there are others too 💓
@crimsonRaspberries1486 you will always have me and your wife 💖 it is so hard, I often can't follow conversations and gets so annoyed with myself when I don't understand simple things🙁
Part of the way they had done me is by not taking me to real doctors. They were doctors through the church so no PHDS, deplomas, no nothing just bs. I don't even know what all is wrong with me health condition wise, so I feel what your saying darling. ❤️🩹
@crimsonRaspberries1486 we didn't have a real doctor either😥 he was not kind to us and didn't care about pain levels, but I guess he got the job done
I hear the emotion in your words, same here unfortunately one thing I was always told is, it's in your head and that killed me and still does😰
@crimsonRaspberries1486 oh are you talking about a therapy doctor??
@Tinywhisper11 the lies they told you are very hurtful and upsetting, especially now you know they were all lies to control you😥
Unfortunately my whole life was actually a lie..
They lied about who my biological parents are, they claimed that they were
My wife and I found my actual birth certificate and unfortunately it's within the cult... It's going to be expensive fixing what they did
They lied and said that I was an age I wasn't, September 26 supposedly I turned 23, I'm actually 26 and a Leo ♌
They lied to me about so much crap they told me they loved me, no it was affinity don't search that up though. If you know than you know dear.
One of the hardest things for me is to believe I'm loved because I was never loved it was affinity the dictionary term is you like someone basically but in the cult it's weird. I love so easily and I show my love easily but to believe that I'm loved back by my close friends and wife, I have a hard time and I'm slowly understanding that they actually do love me very much and they all have different ways of expressing it 💓💓💓 did you deal with something similar?
@crimsonRaspberries1486 I'm so sorry sweetie 😥 I was kept captive in a building all the slaves were kept there. I was told I was born evil, a monster sent from the devil😥 it was a Christian cult, and I had to be punished to make jesus happy and to have my soul saved so I can eventually get into heaven😥
Raps you up in your favorite blanket and cuddles you
😱😱 i'm so sorry I didn't mean to open the wounds I feel horrible, sweetie their wrong god sent you down because your angel 🪽 and you and I will sore in heaven together with our beautiful strong pearl white wings. 🤍Those are some very bad people and the opposite of what they said they were, I hate bad people and bad groups. Again I'm terribly sorry my dear my sincere apologies. I had no idea and maybe had no business asking🤦🏼♀️ I would understand if your upset with me you have every right
@crimsonRaspberries1486 I'm not upset with you sweetie 💖 sometimes it feels good to open up about theese things💖 and I feel a sense of safety with you💖 and my favourite blanket is my unicorn blanket🙂💖
I love unicorns and I believe in unicorns, I feel the same safety with you too honey, it's easy to talk to you, in a way you make me feel warm I don't know how else to describe it. My two favorite blankets are one that's black,gray, and white it was gifted to me by someone who was grieving over their partner. My other favorite is a light one that has a black cat on it and it reminds me of my late son, Binx🖤🪽
@crimsonRaspberries1486 I have a unicorn 😁 his name is mayo... Mayo neighs😁💖
I'm so sorry you lost a child😥 I named my baby boy Joshua but my owners took his life 😥 he was the most beautiful baby. I wish things were different😥 losing a child is just heartbreaking it's the worst pain I've ever felt. I'm here for you if you want to talk about it 💖 hugs you tightly 💖
I'm so sorry honey squeezes your hand
I'm here for you too I can't imagine the pain you must still have you are very strong!❤️🩹 I know that he is watching over you in heaven, something similar kind of happened but I had a small miscarriage while on my period. It was on and after Christmas and it was in a way a heartbreaking miracle. But losing my son was beyond tradgic.🥺 I worried about my wife she raised him for 13 beautiful years, I arrived when he was 11. I know he's watching over us, if you believe in it I see apparitions some of my son. 🥹
@crimsonRaspberries1486 I'm so sorry sweetie 😥😥😥 and yeah I believe💖 I wish I could see one of my son
It's okay I mean things happen, all I'm going to say is it was a lot to lose but not at the same time, because that was a soul but I wasn't even in term for two weeks. The man who had done it to me when I was drugged up, I wouldn't want that babe to even know. I don't know if any of that makes sense... But I'm also not trying to trigger you darling I'm so sorry if I am I've never really touched the topic before.😑. Maybe it's because I miss him or something more, I've always been able to see more it's a blessing from God but not at the same time. But Im not a witch or anything, god gave me the ability for his own reasons. I wish more than anything you could see him my darling💓
@crimsonRaspberries1486 that definitely is a blessing from God but I can imagine it must feel like a curse sometimes. I understand what you mean 😥 it's not a easy topic to talk about so I understand why you've never really talked about it before. My son would have been 14 years old last July I have no idea what kids his age would like for Xmas, it might seem a little bit silly but I always get him a present for Xmas and his birthday, but I really don't know what to buy him this year
No it's not, I've never really reached it because it triggers a lot of people but I know I got to get it out, I just don't want to. 😑It's completely normal to want to do that, honey you lost your mini you, maybe for Xmas get him something that maybe you wanted as a child, maybe something you think the two of you would have bonded over. It can be anything big little, it didn't matter because it comes from your heart. He knows it because he has been watching over you. 💞🪽 14 y/os are very interesting, it didn't matter what generation it is😂
I'll always be here for you Lola, for as long as you keep me in your life I will be right here for you no matter what 💖
@crimsonRaspberries1486 well when your ready to talk about it I'm ready to listen💖 thanks for the ideas, I will keep thinking about if🙂💖
Are you sure your going to be okay? If I talk about it will you be vocal with me and honest of what I say makes you feel a certain way? ð¥º
@crimsonRaspberries1486 I'm sure💖 and yes I'll be honest if it's to upsetting or anything 💖 I have to go lie down for a bit my eyelids won't stay open much longer, but I'll be back as soon as I can 💖 hugs you tightly 💖
Hugs you back tightly 💖🫂
Last Christmas I tried to have forgiveness so I went to Texas I ignored the bad guy feelings, I ignored what my heart was trying to tell me, I pushed away the people I loved because they didn't want me going. I felt like I had to do this and it was completely expected. It was bad I can't dive into many details for safety reasons. But one night I eat their food (they drug up the food they would feed me) I was trying to fight it.😑
I'm lightly forced out of bed if that makes any sense by My adoptive mother, way before dinner I had told them after a big fight that I'm going to take a nap I get into the room which was their son's room that I was sleeping in. I call my wife because I had a really weird feeling. Maybe about an hour later she wakes me up and gets me out of bed I left my phone where it was and she was still on the phone. I eat the food very very quick little discussion no eye contact and then I headed back to the room. So we were just talking on the phone and I start to feel very very weird.
I started to get extremely exhausted out of nowhere and while I was still somewhat with it the two of us heard something being slid under the door. 😱Not long after that thing was slid under the door who lights out I was out cold nothing could wake me up. By the grace of God I wake up the next morning but I didn't have anything on me except for my tank top and my underwear my whole body was sore mostly my lady parts I knew something had happened.
My heart was racing I instantly call my wife and I tell her what's going on and she tells me to get a hold of the Texas rangers. Yes they are very very real thing but they are not cops. I couldn't get a hold of the Texas rangers ⭐ so I called the cops I give them the address yada yada yada. The days go by there was a investigation lots of crying lots of nightmares and lots of prayers from people who know me. In total I think it was four to five days maybe but I get home right before Christmas. I scared a lot of people including myself but I also angered a lot of people because I went back to Texas. Looking back that was one of the most idiotic moves I could have made. 🙄But the first thing my wife and nephew notice is how abnormally my ankles and feet are swollen.
Christmas rolls around, I don't feel anything at first my body wasn't registering what had happened. I go to the bathroom and I noticed it. I can't go into detail because I don't think the app would let me but I found out. It didn't make sense to me because it had only been a couple days.. but it happened and there's the science to prove it unfortunately. I was in so much pain for days it was all ways around intense, I was trying not to scream the whole time. I was crying for what felt like a while. But I pulled myself to together because others have had it way worse then I. Maybe that's another reason why I don't talk about it ever.
And maybe I'm just over dramatic because it really was nothing. It just really sucked and I shouldn't complain too much because others have had it so much worse. It makes me feel like a little b*tch, my wife has had plenty because she has been hurt too so it doesn't matter to me when it comes to my story.
@crimsonRaspberries1486 well your story matters here 💖it's so easy to compare our own troubles with others who you think had it worse, but the truth be we all matter and we are allowed to feel and seek support💖 I'm so sorry that all happened to you 😥 reading your words made me cry 😢 it's not easy to open up, but I'm proud of you for writing that💖 hugs you tightly 💖 you are so very brave 💖
Your not wrong honey, thank you for that reminder that's powerful. I didn't mean to make you cry though I'm terribly sorry. 😰 Thank you for letting me open up about it dear.💞 Hugs you back tightly you are very brave too darling💖💖
@crimsonRaspberries1486 no need to apologise💖 I'm just glad you felt safe enough to get it all of your chest finally💖
I feel safe talking to you dear 💖💖💖
