A space for me.
So I guess I'm going to attempt to keep a journal, as its been a common reccomendation. I've never kept one before so figured id give it a shot.
Please dont judge to much, and please know that some things that may be said throughout this thread could be triggering for others, as I know they are or will most likely be alot of my own triggers or personal feelings in the moment.
Comments are always welcome but please understand that I may or may not respond or react to them.
Lastly I want to let anyone know, who may read this, you may find at times that some threads may seem or appear to be serious red flags for self harm, and I am fully aware of that. Ive been down that road before, didnt have the help and support I needed at that time and there were no real ways of connecting and looking for help like there is today (this site being just one example). And those were probably some of the darkest days of my life. I know what that did, not only to me, but to the people around me as well. And I promised myself that I would never go down that path again. Since then I've learned to recognize when im getting really close to that edge again, and I promise everyone that I will reach out if that time ever comes again.
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Got to talk with someone for a little while yesterday, was kinda nice to finally be able to just chat with someone.
See things have been pretty rough for me over the last few years but it really hit me back in June. I was recently fired from my literal dream job of 10 years after the DOL ordered them to pay me just over 12k for an entire years worth of unpaid overtime. Not only did I loose my job, but I was now facing homelessness as my home was a condition of my job. Thats right I left my original home and everyone I knew behind me and moved hundreds of miles away for this job. While I was at this job I became very very close friends with another employee (only other person I really had contact with or knew in the area for at least the first 2 years I lived and worked there) he kinda became like a father to me over the years. Well needless to say he no longer wants anything to do with me anymore and I have been told never to call or text him again, so yeah I also lost the only rock I had in this new area.
Anyways the first week after receiving the letter from employer was really really bad. I instantly broke apart. Like my entire world was shattered I had nothing, and nobody. It was like every bit of my emotions, that have been kept locked inside for almost 20 years just came flooding out all at once. All the pain ive kept locked up, all the issues ive delt with over the last 20ish years all the memories from the past started to come back and replay in my head over and over. I initially didnt really think much of it, just normal way of dealing with that situation at that time. And I just assumed it would pass in time, so I kinda just pushed all those feelings aside for a week or two, but sadly since that week, things have not been the same. And its now the end of Oct.
Its been really really hard. My emotions have been all over the place, rapid mood swings throughout the day, complete loss of appetite, like as of today I have not eaten anything in about 72 hours now. And not because im starving myself or fasting, but simply because im not hungry and just dont feel like cooking anything. My sleep has been horrible, mabey 4 hours a night at most. Like last night after chatting with a listener for a short time I just felt extremely tired and drained, so we said goodbye and I went to bed. It was 11pm. I woke up this morning at 3:12am and was not able to go back to sleep since, its now 7:19am and I got to leave for work in 40min. I dont even want to go to work. Its not that the job is bad or anything, in all actuality its a great job, good pay, nice people, everything like that, but I dont know, I'm just simply not happy with my life. I've been in an almost constant state of sadness that I just simply dont even want to be bothered anymore. I'm just so tired anymore. Tired and unable to sleep thats irony at its finest. Well I guess ill leave it there for now, should really go get ready to go to work I got to leave in 20 min now, and im still not even out of bed. We will see how the day goes, not really looking forward to it to be honest. Anyways guess ill be back later.
18:32.
Just got home from work. It was a pretty tough day, the work list was very light and had most done by the 2nd hour, thats when it got even tougher. See unfortunately my new job is grounds and maintenance at some Richie rich private country club/inn thing. So just like Mt previous job, I have to always smile and be extra polite and curtious to the members and there guests. The polite and curtious things not entirely the issue, ive always been that way to begin with, sometimes to much I suppose. But the having to smile and pretend like everything is great while being looked down on by people who think and act like there better than you, I mean I literally had some little brat say, loud enough to he heard, "now thats service" as he walked through the door that I was being kind enough to hold open for him. Like not even a thank you or anything. All the while im already struggling to fight every urge to just get back in my truck and go home just wanting to get away from everyone and back into my own room alone to myself away from everyone.
Now im home and just sitting here on my bed tired and both physically and mentally exhausted. Feeling like I just want to cry but cant. Tomorrow and wed I have off of work, at least I wont have to deal with people again until thursday.
I think right now im just gonna pack a large bowl and sit here and smoke until I either fall asleep or get so lost in space that I cant even think about how I feel right now. Mabey it will also make me hungry enough to eat something. Especially beings i haven't eaten anything since friday night. I guess we will see.............I should probably take a shower first perhaps.
10/28/25 10:23am
So last night was really rough. After push myself through a very long and tough day at work, I was really looking forward to being in my room in the comfort of my own space with silence away from the rest of the world, but naturally like everything in my life that didnt happen. About an hour after I got home and starting to feel that weight of the day slide off my shoulders my neighbors down stairs directly below me were apparently not having a good time themselves. They were yelling and screaming, cursing and banging on walls (literally knocking things off my walls thats how bad it was). This was around 9:30 - 10pm. I was already done with the day, I just wanted to be able to find some peace and comfort in the silence of my room and I couldn't even get that. After about 30 min of sitting there listening to them I knew I had to leave, go somewhere, anywhere were I could just be alone in silence away from everyone. I never would have thought that someone else's argument would trigger me so bad. I ended up putting together a "to go bag" and got in my truck and drove 10 min up the road to a small little 3 car dirt parking lot that overlooked a tiny pond. I had passed this spot many times since I moved to this new *** hole I now call home. But this was the first time I ever bothered to stop there. It was kinda nice. I may actually go back there again sometime. After some time I finally started to feel the full effect of my serious lack of sleep these last few days, so figured it had been almost an hour and a half since I left it should be ok to go back home. Sadly to make things even harder when I got back home my building was littered with police and ems personnel. I wasnt even allowed back in my building for about 20 min after I got home. Talk about anxiety nothing like feeling horrible to begin with already physically and mentally taxed to the max. A little high from trying to numb any of the emotions I had rushing through me to be stopped and confronted by police. It was not good. I know I had nothing to worry about, but it still didnt do anything to help me at all.
Finally around 12 or 1 am I layed down and shut my eyes only to wake up at 5am this morning, so much for trying to sleep. (This is really starting to get to me).
So yeah needles to say this morning has not been to great for me. I ended up calling out of work today, probably not my greatest decision beings ive only been at this job for 2 weeks now, but after yesterday I just dont have the physical or mental energy to be around anyone. After I got up I forced myself to try and do some dishes that have been sitting in my sink for over a week now. I managed to get half of them done before I lost interest and didnt want to be bothered anymore. Now im sitting here trying to convince myself to get up and get laundry together as I haven't done any in a few weeks now, and im kinda starting to run out of clean cloths to wear. But im really finding it hard to find the motivation to do so. Im just so tired and honestly I just dont want to leave my bed right now....
10/28/25 22:12
So I suppose the rest of today actually wasnt the worst day. I did manage to get at least 1 load of laundry completed today, and I finally got a little something food wise into my system (got some soup from Chinese place nearby, it was actually pretty good.) It wasnt much but it was something. I ran to another store and picked up a few things to try and help me sleep better and longer tonight, kinda looking forward to and in serious need of some sleep, its been to long now. Then I spent most of the day sitting on my bed in the corner of my room listening to an audio book (yeah kinda a new thing ive gotten into, its kinda nice to have myself a nice smoke, put my earbuds in, and close my eyes and escape reality even if it is only through a story.
So yeah today hasn't been the worst day, now im gonna go take this sleep aid I got earlier, and go have a booster smoke while I wait for the other to kick in, and hopefully be asleep in an hour and stay asleep for at least 6 hours. Ill deff take at least 6 hours at this point. With any real luck ill sleep all day tomorrow. So I guess thats all for now.
10/29/25 07:59
Well we made it to another day. Last nights sleep aid kinda worked i guess. It deffinetly helped me relax and it did help a little to slow my mind down as I layed in bed waiting for sleep to finally take me away. I can say I was probably asleep within 30 min after my head hit the pillow somewhere around midnight, which I guess is much better than 1.5 hours. Sadly it didnt last long I was still woken up by 4am but I was able to stay laying in bed until around 7am altho it was a constant in and out of sleep situation. I also dreamed for the first time in ALONG time last night, altho i cant seem to remember much of it now, which is kinda strange as ive always been able to recall most dreams in the past, but im not overly concerned that i cant remember it, adter all it was only a dream.
So I guess we will take that for now anything is better than nothing right now and I will take anything I can get even if it is the tiniest thing available. I do feel a bit odd this morning tho. Kinda like im here moving around but not really here just kinda floating in a bubble in a bit of a haze. Kinda curious how long before these effects go away. As much as I dont want to go out I kinda need to go to store for some very much needed supplies that I haven't had for a few weeks now. But im certainly not driving right now with the way my head is feeling.
Anyways not much else to really say at the moment. Thankfully I got today off from work. Not to sure what im going to do today. Yesterday's time to myself was a bit of a conundrum. As much as I longed for that silence and solitude I got yesterday, I didnt enjoy the fact that in that silence my mind can run completely wild and its very overwhelming and stressful trying to find a safe space while everything from life is running through your head at 2x speed. So yeah we will see how today goes......"Just one step at a time."
10/29/25 20:15
So today was a ok day for the most part. I managed to get some much needed running around done and getting a more things to try and help sleep tonight, (defuse, with some oils formulated to help promote good sleep, some sleep spray for the pillow and some new relax lavender airfreshner thing on and a weighted blanket this thing was amazing) then spent the rest of the day curled up on my bed in the cozy corner of my dark room under my new blanket basking in the new aroma in a medicinally aided relaxed state, listening to an audio book. Never going to sleep but kinda like going in and out of consciousness. It was actually very relaxing and was very nice, sadly as the day got closer and closer to now the realization that I have to go back to work tomorrow started to ruin that mindset and things started to slide backwards, but it was still nice, and im prepping to do the same thing right now and hopefully get some good sleep tonight. Tho im still not looking forward to work tomorrow 😪. Oh well. Another day down, another one ahead of us. Goodnight.
So we made it to a new day. Last night was pretty good, tried a few new things to help with sleep and altho it did not get me a solid sleep (woke up a few times throughout the night) it was probably one of the more peaceful nights sleep ive had in a while. Sadly tho when I woke up and realized I was not only going to have to go back to work and have to deal with others again (just really dont want to be around anyone right now its just to overwhelming) but its a rainy windy day which means ill be stuck inside even closer to others I cant even escape to myself 😞. So not looking forward to this today......just one step at a time.
10/30/25 20:20
So today was pretty rough. I mean the first hour or so wasnt to bad as my head was still kinda numb from the sleep aids it was actually kinda nice, but sure enough once that started to wear out and the noise in my head came right back. Even worse was due to the heavy wind and rain we had today I was basically forced to work indoors in and around everyone. I just wanted to run away, and i know people saw it. And that just made everything that much worse. I couldn't wait to get out of there and race home to my bed where I could just be alone. I guess now im just sitting here trying to calm down took something to help with that a little while ago. Might go hop in a shower, idk yet really tired may go to bed. We will see, until tomorrow I suppose.
11/1/25 7:46am
So I know I missed yesterday's entry, it was a really really rough day. It was another rainy day so was stuck inside again. My head was racing so bad yesterday, with constant thoughts running through my head in an internal argument with myself all day.
Then if things weren't bad enough I came to find out I acquired a new nickname amongst the rest of the staff there, and it actually kinda bothered me,.....ok it really bothered me, but I wasnt about to tell them that, cause on a normal or good day, I think I actually wouldn't mind it at all. So yeah work yesterday was a living *** that I could not run away from forced to be there experiencing every bit of torture they could find to throw at me.
When I finally got off all I wanted to do was come home and bury my self into my bed and was quickly reminded that it was Halloween when knocks came crashing on my door with kids. I tried to be that nice guy handing out candy and trying to take in some of the happiness and joy from the evening but eventually just got to overwhelmed, I ended up just putting the bowl outside.
This morning has been rough so far. Woke up with a splitting headache, still have not slept more than 3 hours a night, haven't eaten anything since Tuesday I just dont feel good I dont want to have to leave my room. I just want to be alone and I cant. So I guess im gonna have to force myself out the door again. I know today is not going to be good I just dont know, I really just dont have the physical or mental capacity for today. 😮💨😴
11/1/25 22:25
So today was an ok day. It was kinda nice, on my way into work it was still kinda raining and I just started to feel horrible about having to go in and be forced inside with everyone else. But a short while later I saw off in the distance a rainbow it was actually pretty cool, with the mountain range and vallies this rainbow connecting to ridges it was very picturesque. Anyways when I finally got to work and saw the manager he handed me a list and told me this would be a new thing. I was actually a little happy with this. Now I can just get my list and be off on my own. For the rest of the day I was able to work on the list with the ability to walk away as needed. My mind was still running rampant but this ive been used to for so many years I was able to put my headphones in and blast some music or today I listened to an audio book all day. Actually been doing that alot lately. I also decided to bring in something to try and help keep me a bit calmer and I will say it did help numb the mind a bit. When I got home it was finally quiet I just layed on my bed staring at the ceiling in silence it was actually kinda nice. Now im sitting here getting ready to hopefully get more than 3 or 4 hours sleep. So yeah I guess until tomorrow....
11/2/25 10:37
Last night was not good at all. Tried to go to sleep early in an attempt to get more than 4 hours, epic fail. I layed in bed for almost 3 hours before I fell asleep. In that entire time my mind would not shut off. One thing that kept playing through my mind on repeat was the first and only girl I ever loved and cared about. (This tended to happened alot over the last 20 years so nothing out of the ordinary I suppose). This girl was my world, she was my heart and soul. Things were great between us for 2 years. Then almost out of the blue she left me. It completely destroyed me. For a year after that I was completely broken, id lost my will to live, I attempted suicide 3 times. Was in and out of hospitals and psychiatric facilities. It was really bad some of the darkest days of my life. Anyways, after 2 years of being with this girl, my world, we finally were comfortable to move our relationship to the next level, we were both still young, I was 17 and she was 15. About 2 weeks after that amazing night, she left me a note basically saying she could not be with me anymore, and like that she vanished into thin air. Never to be seen or heard from again. I spent 20 years on and off trying to find her, to find out what happened, if I did something wrong, anything to explain why. Sadly I was never able to find her.
Ok so back to last night. So yeah as I mentioned my mind just kept replaying those days over and over and over again. It got to the point were I ended up trying to search for her again. After about 2 hours I actually found her. Turns out she has moved around quite a bit currently living half way across the country. She has changed her name twice and is now currently living happily with 3 kids 6yr old boy, 11 yr old girl, and a 19 yr old girl. She has also apparently been married for 7 years I believe. At first I was actually happy for her, sad, but happy........until I saw the family picture she had posted. Once I saw that picture my heart instantly sank and broke into a million pieces. Cause in that picture staring back at me was this beautiful 19 yr old girl, who looked nothing like her 2 younger siblings or the guy standing there, she...................she looked like.....Me, and even worse is this feeling I now have in my gut.
And now all I can think about is that girl, and this overwhelming feeling that I may have a daughter. My head is racing, is she my daughter, the timing is right, is this why she left, why didnt she tell me, did I do something wrong, how could she keep this from me. Did I miss out on seeing this girl grow up, IS SHE MY DAUGHTER!!
I need to know cause its killing me sitting here not knowing, but at the same time I dont want to know, I could never live with myself if I found out she is my kid and I missed out on every bit of those special childhood moments. Im soo hurt right now, im Mad, mad at her and even more mad at myself. I just feel soo lost and confused I dont know what to do. My head is spinning, I seriously cant take this anymore....
