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Usmp4lyfe
2 24,575 M Aiming High 4
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts4,296 Forum posts59 Forum upvotes104 Current upvotes104 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2026 Member sinceOctober 25, 2025
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I may have seriously messed up.
Anxiety Support / by Usmp4lyfe
Last post
 November 3rd, 2025
...See more So last night I really messed up and im seriously paying the price today. While laying in bed last night until able to fall asleep (been like this a while now). I found that the main thought that kept running through my mind was the one and only girl I ever loved and cared about. (Really tough back story to that id rather not get into right now). Now every few years I found myself trying to find this girl, (searching social media, contacting old friends,) who was my entire world until they day she left me and within a week or 2 completely vanished off the face of the planet. We'll anyways last night it was the same thing, but I actually ended up finding her. Learnt that she moved a few times eventually settling down half way across the country, learned she changed her name 2 times (explains why it was so hard to find her), learnt that she is married and has 3 kids. I was honestly and truly happy for her just knowing she was alive and living life. I mean dont get me wrong it hurt, but I was truly happy for her. This was until I saw a family photo. The photo was of her, her husband of 7 years and her 3 kids, 6yr old boy, 10 yr old girl , and 19 yr old girl. As soon as I saw the photo my heart completely sank and broke into a million pieces. See the 2 younger kids looked exactly like there kids, but the older one did not. The older one, looked like........................Me. My mind instantly started racing around, thinking about the day she left, her sudden disappearance. What we had done just a week or so b4 she left everything, the timing the age the resemblance, it all kinda makes sence, but even more painful was that feeling sitting in my gut. And now My mind wont stop it wont turn off. All I can think about is do I have a 19 yr old daughter? Is it my kid? If it is why didnt she tell me? Im so hurt right now I need to know, but at same time I dont want to know, I know it would kill me to know that she is my kid and I missed every important moment of her childhood. But its also killing me not knowing. Im sooooo lost and confused. Im hurt, and mad, and I just dont know anymore. I should have never went looking. I hate myself even more now. 😢😤😭
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I just want to run away and hide 😮‍💨
Anxiety Support / by Usmp4lyfe
Last post
 November 1st, 2025
...See more So stuck here at work, forced inside due to *** weather (think id prefer to be outside getting drenched in all this rain). I dont even want to be around these people to begin with and now I have no escape forced to interact with everyone. Forced to put a smile on for the guests. I just dont want to be here..and I cant do anything about it. And to make matters even worse, apparently in the 2 weeks ice been here ive made an impression worthy of a new nickname (smiley) and now everyone is calling me this, normally I think I may actually like this, but right now it hurts every single time someone says it, cause I know I have to force that smile out that is soooo hard to do, but I cant let them see whats really going on inside. I just want to run away and hide. 😥😔🫩
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I dont know what to think about this.
Self-Harm Recovery / by Usmp4lyfe
Last post
 October 30th, 2025
...See more So first and foremost I want to make it very clear that as of right now I have no intention of self harm, but I know my history. Over the last few weeks to a month I have found that, despite it not being thoughts of physically hurting myself like ive done in the past, ive had almost constant thoughts of dieing. I dont know exactly how to describe it so I guess an example may help. So like 3 days ago at work I had to go up on the second floor roof of a building to blow off the leaves, moss, etc before the first snow falls. And while I was up there all I found myself thinking of was "if only one of these acorns would roll under my foot and cause me to fall then....." or like when I am driving home on dark roads that I know for certain have alot of accidents from deer running across road, I find myself just driving with no thought of what if, but more like wishing one would. I dont know what to think about this, but what I do know is I dont like it, and it does not help me to feel any better and no matter how hard I try to make the thoughts go away, or drown them out they are still there amongst all the other noise in my head. 😔😞😣
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Help/suggestions not sleeping right, barely eating.
Anxiety Support / by Usmp4lyfe
Last post
 October 29th, 2025
...See more In need of suggestions/help here. For the last few months I have been having trouble sleeping and eating. And its only been getting worse. In the past week I have only been getting 3 to 4 hours of semi restless sleep before being fully awake. And as for eating lets just say I have not eaten anything since dinner this past friday, and that dinner literally was like 5 chicken nuggets b4 I ended up throwing the rest out. I dont know whats going on im just simply not hungry. I just feel totally drained, need this to end.
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A space for me.
Journals & Diaries / by Usmp4lyfe
Last post
 December 22nd, 2025
...See more So I guess I'm going to attempt to keep a journal, as its been a common reccomendation. I've never kept one before so figured id give it a shot. Please dont judge to much, and please know that some things that may be said throughout this thread could be triggering for others, as I know they are or will most likely be alot of my own triggers or personal feelings in the moment. Comments are always welcome but please understand that I may or may not respond or react to them. Lastly I want to let anyone know, who may read this, you may find at times that some threads may seem or appear to be serious red flags for self harm, and I am fully aware of that. Ive been down that road before, didnt have the help and support I needed at that time and there were no real ways of connecting and looking for help like there is today (this site being just one example). And those were probably some of the darkest days of my life. I know what that did, not only to me, but to the people around me as well. And I promised myself that I would never go down that path again. Since then I've learned to recognize when im getting really close to that edge again, and I promise everyone that I will reach out if that time ever comes again. ----------------------------------------------------- Got to talk with someone for a little while yesterday, was kinda nice to finally be able to just chat with someone. See things have been pretty rough for me over the last few years but it really hit me back in June. I was recently fired from my literal dream job of 10 years after the DOL ordered them to pay me just over 12k for an entire years worth of unpaid overtime. Not only did I loose my job, but I was now facing homelessness as my home was a condition of my job. Thats right I left my original home and everyone I knew behind me and moved hundreds of miles away for this job. While I was at this job I became very very close friends with another employee (only other person I really had contact with or knew in the area for at least the first 2 years I lived and worked there) he kinda became like a father to me over the years. Well needless to say he no longer wants anything to do with me anymore and I have been told never to call or text him again, so yeah I also lost the only rock I had in this new area. Anyways the first week after receiving the letter from employer was really really bad. I instantly broke apart. Like my entire world was shattered I had nothing, and nobody. It was like every bit of my emotions, that have been kept locked inside for almost 20 years just came flooding out all at once. All the pain ive kept locked up, all the issues ive delt with over the last 20ish years all the memories from the past started to come back and replay in my head over and over. I initially didnt really think much of it, just normal way of dealing with that situation at that time. And I just assumed it would pass in time, so I kinda just pushed all those feelings aside for a week or two, but sadly since that week, things have not been the same. And its now the end of Oct. Its been really really hard. My emotions have been all over the place, rapid mood swings throughout the day, complete loss of appetite, like as of today I have not eaten anything in about 72 hours now. And not because im starving myself or fasting, but simply because im not hungry and just dont feel like cooking anything. My sleep has been horrible, mabey 4 hours a night at most. Like last night after chatting with a listener for a short time I just felt extremely tired and drained, so we said goodbye and I went to bed. It was 11pm. I woke up this morning at 3:12am and was not able to go back to sleep since, its now 7:19am and I got to leave for work in 40min. I dont even want to go to work. Its not that the job is bad or anything, in all actuality its a great job, good pay, nice people, everything like that, but I dont know, I'm just simply not happy with my life. I've been in an almost constant state of sadness that I just simply dont even want to be bothered anymore. I'm just so tired anymore. Tired and unable to sleep thats irony at its finest. Well I guess ill leave it there for now, should really go get ready to go to work I got to leave in 20 min now, and im still not even out of bed. We will see how the day goes, not really looking forward to it to be honest. Anyways guess ill be back later.
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