A space for me.
So I guess I'm going to attempt to keep a journal, as its been a common reccomendation. I've never kept one before so figured id give it a shot.
Please dont judge to much, and please know that some things that may be said throughout this thread could be triggering for others, as I know they are or will most likely be alot of my own triggers or personal feelings in the moment.
Comments are always welcome but please understand that I may or may not respond or react to them.
Lastly I want to let anyone know, who may read this, you may find at times that some threads may seem or appear to be serious red flags for self harm, and I am fully aware of that. Ive been down that road before, didnt have the help and support I needed at that time and there were no real ways of connecting and looking for help like there is today (this site being just one example). And those were probably some of the darkest days of my life. I know what that did, not only to me, but to the people around me as well. And I promised myself that I would never go down that path again. Since then I've learned to recognize when im getting really close to that edge again, and I promise everyone that I will reach out if that time ever comes again.
-----------------------------------------------------
Got to talk with someone for a little while yesterday, was kinda nice to finally be able to just chat with someone.
See things have been pretty rough for me over the last few years but it really hit me back in June. I was recently fired from my literal dream job of 10 years after the DOL ordered them to pay me just over 12k for an entire years worth of unpaid overtime. Not only did I loose my job, but I was now facing homelessness as my home was a condition of my job. Thats right I left my original home and everyone I knew behind me and moved hundreds of miles away for this job. While I was at this job I became very very close friends with another employee (only other person I really had contact with or knew in the area for at least the first 2 years I lived and worked there) he kinda became like a father to me over the years. Well needless to say he no longer wants anything to do with me anymore and I have been told never to call or text him again, so yeah I also lost the only rock I had in this new area.
Anyways the first week after receiving the letter from employer was really really bad. I instantly broke apart. Like my entire world was shattered I had nothing, and nobody. It was like every bit of my emotions, that have been kept locked inside for almost 20 years just came flooding out all at once. All the pain ive kept locked up, all the issues ive delt with over the last 20ish years all the memories from the past started to come back and replay in my head over and over. I initially didnt really think much of it, just normal way of dealing with that situation at that time. And I just assumed it would pass in time, so I kinda just pushed all those feelings aside for a week or two, but sadly since that week, things have not been the same. And its now the end of Oct.
Its been really really hard. My emotions have been all over the place, rapid mood swings throughout the day, complete loss of appetite, like as of today I have not eaten anything in about 72 hours now. And not because im starving myself or fasting, but simply because im not hungry and just dont feel like cooking anything. My sleep has been horrible, mabey 4 hours a night at most. Like last night after chatting with a listener for a short time I just felt extremely tired and drained, so we said goodbye and I went to bed. It was 11pm. I woke up this morning at 3:12am and was not able to go back to sleep since, its now 7:19am and I got to leave for work in 40min. I dont even want to go to work. Its not that the job is bad or anything, in all actuality its a great job, good pay, nice people, everything like that, but I dont know, I'm just simply not happy with my life. I've been in an almost constant state of sadness that I just simply dont even want to be bothered anymore. I'm just so tired anymore. Tired and unable to sleep thats irony at its finest. Well I guess ill leave it there for now, should really go get ready to go to work I got to leave in 20 min now, and im still not even out of bed. We will see how the day goes, not really looking forward to it to be honest. Anyways guess ill be back later.
11/3/25 8:29
Last night was pretty rough. I didnt get any sleep, just feeling completely drained. Mind is still running rampant and it seems like theres nothing i can do to stop it. I dont even know anymore, im ready to just give up, im just to tired, why continue to fight this loosing battle. I suppose I should get to work.
12/22/25 08:49.
Hey sooo its been quite a while now. Journals were never really my thing i suppose. These last few weeks have been very rough things getting "worse" and thoughts getting more persistent. I got drs in a few hours only 2nd visit, very much anxious. Honestly have no idea what to think or expect for today and its kinda driving me crazy. But yeah anyways the whole purpose I came back to this thread......so a couple days ago was in SC and the topic of music came up and twords end remembered I had stumbled across an old song I wrote like 19ish years ago, sadly never put music to it so its kinda just lyrics idk perhaps ill put music to it one day. Seems like I had a concept back then for key and all....anyways some friends wanted to see it soo figured id post it up here. Again its from almost 20yrs ago....funny how some of it still applies. I would post trigger warning on it but idk if any apply, I will say it was written during some darker times of my life, ruminating and depression where deff key drivers behind it sooo yeah just heads up for anyone who may read.....anyways without further adu
Song Title: “Echoes in My Mind”
Capo 3rd fret / key Gm
[Verse 1]
The sunlight slips between the blinds,
But I still can’t get out of bed.
My thoughts keep running laps around
Things I wish I’d never said.
The room is quiet, but inside
It’s louder than a storm.
Every memory cuts like glass,
And the silence takes its form.
[Chorus]
And I fall into the echoes in my mind,
Where every turn just takes me back in time.
I’m chasing ghosts I’ll never find,
In the echoes, in the echoes of my mind.
[Verse 2]
Coffee’s cold and the morning’s gone,
I forget what day it is.
I trace the cracks along the wall,
Like they might tell me what life is.
I wear my sorrow like a song,
Soft and out of tune.
But I still pick up this ol' guitar,
And play beneath the moon.
[Chorus]
And I fall into the echoes in my mind,
Where every turn just takes me back in time.
I’m chasing ghosts I’ll never find,
In the echoes, in the echoes of my mind.
[Bridge]
If healing’s slow, then let it be,
I’m learning just to breathe.
I’m still here, I’m still me,
Even if I barely believe.
[Final Chorus]
I fall into the echoes one last time,
But now I see the fading line.
The ghosts are quieter tonight,
As I sing my way through the echoes in my mind.
Stopped umm yeah dont judge. This was my 19yr old mind.