Graphic, beware

An alcoholic is the same as a person who self harms.

Not the type that do it for the attention, because unfortunately yes there are people like that.

But the type that clean themselves up, hide it, lie about it.

Alcoholism is an addiction. People usually fall into it because it makes you feel good. I find that it just makes me feel more distant from everything. The feelings and thoughts are still there just they matter less, they’re further away.

It’s nice, I get it.

Self harm is the relief. At least it was for me. Turning that inner turmoil into outer pain. It was tangible, something I could physically see and feel.

I self harmed for years, first time I was about 10, last time I was 17. I’m 19 now.

I had a breakdown, two years ago, December. Maybe a breakdown is a bit dramatic, but it fits. I was manic and then my mood just dropped and I was in the hospital.

It wasn’t bad enough to warrant a hospital trip but I wasn’t thinking right. Anyways, it took that for me to realise that it wasn’t actually helping.

It used to, I know that but somewhere along the way it was more of just a habit. I wonder if some alcoholics have had the same realisation.

I still get the buzz, the urge, the need to do it. Sometimes it lasts days and it makes me feel sick because it feels like a desperate need clawing at my skin. I don’t because I’ve got enough scars to last me lifetimes and because I know it won’t help.

My mums friend is an alcoholic. I like him, he’s a good guy. I feel bad for him because I get it. Maybe not in the same way but I do in my way.

I’ve always had this want to be useful, helpful. I want to help him. I wanna sit down with him and just explain it, tell him it all but I think thats overstepping.

Plus I don’t think he’d listen. I don’t think, no. I don’t care, about me, about myself. I get burnt or cut at work and I shrug it off. A car almost hits me and I laugh. I’m constantly standing on the edge between life and death and I couldn’t care less.

Despite that I stopped. And maybe he could, maybe he could find reasons to care while he’s at it. I can’t. I don’t have anything to care about, nothing true, nothing real or honest.

Helping would mean opening up but I think it’s worth the risk?

I made him cry last time. Not on purpose, not to be malicious but because I was harsh with honesty. I usually am, I don’t beat around the bush, I say things how they are.

I think it helped, a little bit. I can’t really remember what it was about though so.

I’m tired lol