I don’t wanna die alone

I’m never gonna have a sit down family meal.

Yk the ones where you sit at a dining room table, eat food, family surrounding you.

Sure they can get heated or tense but still.

I remember going to friend’s houses and realising that they all did it. I found it weird but now I know that my family is just weird.

I’m never gonna have a family. I know that. I can’t have them biologically, adoption would be tricky because of my mental health history.

Even having a partner seems far fetched. Which yeah, I know I’m just sad rn, feeling bad for myself.

What if I’m 40 or 50 or whatever and alone?

I can be alone, I know how to do it. I’ve been alone most my life but God it sucks. Not having anyone to talk to, to hang out with.

No one to share my thoughts or interests with is like a prison. I’m dangerous when I’m alone, I spiral.

I don’t wanna be alone.

I don’t want to feel that pit at the bottom of my stomach. I don’t wanna feel sick with loneliness. I don’t want to prefer the night because it’s easier to convince myself that there are reasons as to why I’m alone.

I keep odd work hours, I work a lot, I’m tired, I’m okay with being alone.

I’m not. I’m really not.