I fear

Advice isn’t helpful in this topic, neither is niceness or platitudes.

I’ve been here before, I’ve said all of this before and yet my mind keeps playing on repeat and my feelings just keep on marching on.

I miss her, still. It’s been a year since we last spoke, about two since we were dating.

I’ve dated. I’ve been in talking stages, I’ve gone on dates, one or two per person.

It doesn’t fit.

Each person feels wrong. Like I’m trying to fit into whatever box they want me to be in.

Talk more to avoid the silences, avoid topics that I never know how to talk about. Try not to come on to strong, try to be interesting enough for them to want me around. Text but not too much. Push pass the small icks, act like things don’t bother me.

I’m good. I’m good at being the second choice, at allowing people to push past my boundaries. I’m good at adjusting, at being what people want.

Then I remember you. Or well, you pass through my mind like you always do and I stop. I pause, and I think.

I stopped talking to the guy who I made out with on a second date. Who wanted to come to my place for the third date. He pushed, I let him and pretended it was okay.

We spoke for 2 months before our first real date. You knew that I flinched at sudden moves, you listened, you paid attention and I felt comfortable. You didn’t push, I didn’t have to pretend.

I miss you.

Not because you’re perfect. You hid me from your family because you were embarrassed, ashamed. I told you it was okay because I thought it was.

It wasn’t. I’m not that guy anymore. I didn’t know that at the time.

I’ve dated people who’ve used me. Who used me to decide what or who they’re into. So they can figure out their type, what they want in a guy.

I’ve dated people so they can come out to their parents, or p1ss off their homophobic ones. I’ve charmed homophobic parents, I’ve made them far more accepting.

That was years ago. Now I just want to love without someone being afraid of loving me back.

It’s you. I know it is. I can’t explain why though.

I can go on about your looks, how I think you’re gorgeous, stunning beautiful.

I can go on about how I felt comfortable, safe, loved in your presence.

I can go on about how I love your brain, your personality, your attitude.

Theirs so many reasons why I love you.

But nothing matters more than the feeling in my bones.

I’ve always relied on it. I can tell if an employee will be good or not just after a day. I’m always right.

I can tell what customers are going to be an issue or not just after a glance.

I know if my mums boyfriends are going to be trouble or not just by a feeling.

The moment we got talking, I felt it. It settled into my bones and made no attempt to leave.

Even when we fought. Even when we broke up I felt it, still do.

I’ll still go on dates. Still be clear about my intentions.

Yet I fear I’ll settle so I don’t d-e alone. And I fear that even in 10,20,30+ years that I’ll have this feeling.

I fear that some part of me will always be waiting.