I saw a tik tok, got annoyed, boom

I don’t get people who make their issues everyone else’s problem.

Well no I do, I guess? Somewhat.

Feeling alone sucks, isolated, like you can’t talk to anyone. People want that connection, the freedom to just be.

But being angry at the world feels like something that should be kept to yourself.

Your actions, your words are yours to control I suppose. You have a responsibility for them.

Acting out of anger is never a good idea, especially if people just don’t deserve it. Destroying yourself in hopes that people will hate you as much as you hate yourself is just, stupid, reckless and selfish.

I get it though.

Not the, wanting everyone to hate me part. I don’t get that. I try my best to put on a front, be someone people enjoy being around, someone people can trust.

Thats something I value because it makes me useful.

I understand the urge to destroy yourself until nothings left. I get that. Drinking, smoking, drugs. It’s a constant urge because not only does it destroy me but it’s a good way to get some peace.

When I was younger, I’d self harm, get into fights, get into bad relationships. I kept most of it to myself but I was still reckless.

Now I do it in quiet ways though, ways that if anyone notices I can easily justify. Dropping outta collage, having a bottle of something before I get home after work, working 7 days a week, not properly taking care of injuries, staying up till I’m far past tired, overthinking to a point it makes me feel sick.

I’m constantly angry. All of the time, 27/7. It’s like a constant thrum under my skin, I can ignore it but sometimes it’s just overwhelming.

I’m angry at myself, my childhood, my family, friends, work, life, the world. I’m always angry.

Using that anger though? Acting on it?

Thats rare, usually hidden but sometimes not. When I do though it’s led with instant guilt because I don’t like that version of me.

The version thats cruel, harsh. What’s worse is that I’m smart with it, I don’t get aggressive. I just talk, use my words because no one ever notices that I’m observant, I listen and watch and I learn. I know how to hit people where it hurts. I know how to keep people awake at night, overthinking and spiralling.

I know because I do it to myself all of the time, it’s and easily transferable skill.

But doing that it sucks, it hurts, and it’s not something I strive to do. The fact that some people do genuinely confuses me because why?

Just because you’re angry, in pain, depressed or whatever, why do other people have to suffer because of that?

They’re your issues, if you choose to share them with someone, that’s okay. If you choose to use them as an excuse to hurt other people, thats not okay at all. There’s no justifying being a bad person.