Is it better to speak or to die?
Is it better to speak or to die?
What’s if I can find the words but can’t say them?
Theres so many reasons why you can’t.
I’ve always got something to say, I just learnt early on to shut up. I’ll have conversations that mean nothing, go no-where. I’ll stand up for myself, I’ll argue back but I won’t start it.
I want to tell my older sister that I miss her. Which is stupid because when I see her, she makes me feel like sh-t. But she took me out for my 16th birthday because my mum went out with her boyfriend and left us at home. And we went out almost every weekend just so we could get out of the house. And we b-tched about our mom together because she’s never been great.
How do I tell her that I miss the version of her that thought of me more? She moved, and I’m proud of her for that but I still miss her.
My little brother is living at his dad’s now, it’s closer to his apprenticeship. I remember when he was little, I remember taking him town every single week. I remember talking to him about his mates, music, shows, everything.
I miss my little sister. I work with her now, I got her a job at my place but she’s different now. Doesn’t care, selfish, doesn’t see me as family. It sucks.
I don’t miss any version of my mother. I miss moments, ones where I felt cared about. Sometimes I wish I could have a go at her, shout, scream. Just loose my sh-t. But then she’d cry or shout back or try to justify all the sh/tty things she’s done or make me feel bad.
She paid me back £100 on Friday, she’s already lent it back + some. She doesn’t care about me, just about what I can do for her.
I wish I could leave. Move out, live. I can’t afford to.
Some days it feels like I’m drowning in all the things I can’t say in fear of ruining the carefully put together peace. It’s fragile and it will fall apart.
I want to tell my best friend that I miss when we were 16. We’d talk everyday, hang out. We’d talk about all of the sh-tty things. We don’t talk anymore. I miss them.
I wanna tell my ex i miss her. Not as my girlfriend but as a person in my life that I cared about. I want to know how uni is going, life, her.
I wanna tell the world that I’m fed up and far too tired for someone so young.
I know the words will come eventually. It’ll be in a fit of anger, sadness or fear. They’ll come too harshly, too blunt, too honest. They’ll cut whomever they’re aimed at, makes the rifts that already exist widen.
Then I’ll feel guilty and I’ll go back to being silent.
Someone asked me the other day, when they saw the scars on my arms, why did you do that.
I didn’t have time to list out all of the reasons, I told them that there was loads and I had no one to go to.
I didn’t tell him that my house was never a home, that my family was never truly family. They never made me feel safe or loved, just an outsider looking in.
I didn’t tell him that I was trapped in between the reality that was my life or the terrors in my mind. That I felt like I had to, just so I could escape for a while.
Then he told me about his friend who kxlled himself, and he didn’t know where his ashes were spread so he couldn’t say goodbye.
And I wondered if anyone would cry becuase they knew they couldn’t say goodbye to me.
@Malecfan you never know who is gonna be still by your side tomorrow.
there are some words that you might find difficult to say, but just think, how would you feel if one day something happened to that person you want to talk to, and you never had a chance to say the words you have trapped in your mouth?
it is never better to die than to speak. we may think someone doesn’t deserve those words, or fear of what reaction they could have.
But what if that person also has some things to say? there’s always things that you dont know. saying those words could really change your relationship with any of them, it could be good or bad, but one day life ends, and what a shame it would be to leave without the chance of letting out all of those words, and like you said, its very harsh to leave without being able to say goodbye.
but all aside this, what does your heart and inner voice tell you? whatever your decision is, is the right thing. Nobody forces you to let out all of your emotions, even tho its a great way to end all those thoughts.
i hope you find your answer, good luck 💗
@Malecfan
Hey, I relate to a lot of this. Even if it's not the exact same, I grew apart from a lot of my friends and family at one point in my life and wish things ended up different. Reaching out is scary! I'm still working on mending wounds from that time and making the steps to reach out again to the people who mattered to me enough to make it worth the effort.
Here's my advice to you: Focus only on the positives, the people who brought more good than bad into your life, and reach back out to them on one at a time. For the negatives, it's a tough pill to swallow but the best closure you can ever get is the kind you will give yourself by walking away. You're only burning yourself by waiting around and hoping they'll apologize, but lashing out might end up getting used against you too. It sucks! But it's usually the best path forward unless there's something specific that telling off the people who hurt you will achieve outside of your own emotional wants.
I don't know your siblings and friends, but I can just about promise you that they would cry if something happened to you and they never got closure or a chance to say goodbye or tell you how they felt. Maybe they're scared to reach out now, too, or falsely think you wouldn't be interested, or maybe they have their own life problems that make them feel like they'd be a burden to reach out. (This is me right now actually - one thing stopping me is that I got laid off and it feels embarrassing to be unemployed and "not really doing anything rn" in my career! but it's a social stigma I have to get over) Not knowing the reason for the quiet doesn't mean they don't care.
If you're aware of the pressure building up that might make you lash out and hurt someone, you still have time to stop it and redirect. I've been there and I regret the things I said every day. If you feel the urge coming, write it all down in a private document and put it away for at least a week. No peeking. When you come back to it, there's a 95% chance you won't want to send it anymore, or at the very least will want to send a shorter and kinder version that wants to actually have a productive conversation and not just be a scathing fire hose of emotion. You just needed an outlet in that moment but it doesn't mean someone actually has to be on the receiving end of that concentrated rage before you have time to process it and make a real plan.
I'll leave you with this, it might come off a little corny but this song changed my perspective on relationships like what you're describing. It's pretty much saying "it shouldn't take an emergency or a tragedy to mend bridges and make the effort to be in someone's life again, life's too short to let little problems get in the way from being connected to people we cared deeply about."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSKQRDq3RkM
If you aren't familiar with Blink-182, the song is also extremely
literal about the history of the band members and it's worth reading about if you want to feel hopeful about being able to reconnect and tell
your loved ones how you feel.
Oh also! This comic! If I'd seen this years ago, it could have really helped me and maybe stopped me from pushing people away in anger - which was really just my unmet needs, social isolation, and perceived lack of control over my life in those years making me into a less-than-great version of myself.
https://www.tumblr.com/alteredpanel/810666580089438208/focus-energy
