I would scare a therapist
My medicine cabinet would be full if I actually went to a doctor.
A hypothetical medicine cabinet, all my meds are somewhere in my room.
Ibuprofen and paracetamol are around, ready for me to abuse when I need to. Allergy meds that I’m meant to take everyday but only take every few days. My new vitamin D meds because I had a pretty severe deficiency last time I got a blood test.
It was worse when I was younger. I was a pretty severe asthmatic so I had to take tablets, antihistamines, have my inhalers and was put on steroids for a period of time.
I haven’t been to the doctors in about two years. I hate the entire process.
Calls make me anxious and my doctors don’t have an online booking system which is insane because it’s 2026. They don’t let you come in and book in either, you have to call which is just ridiculous. I don’t think me going in would be any better though.
Then there’s waiting for the appointment. Usually it takes a week or two and that entire time I’m constantly trying to remind myself of the date and time which just spikes my anxiety even more.
Then waiting in the waiting room because I’m always early and the doctor’s always late. I can never bring myself to go in later or on time though because then I’ll be at home stressing about it. I end up waiting for about 20-30 minutes, people staring at my leg bounces up and down and my hands don’t stop fiddling with something.
Then the actual appointment, where I have to explain to a complete stranger that somethings wrong. I don’t even tell people close to me when there’s an issue.
Overall the entire process is my worse nightmare. I’ve always hated it, probably always will. Hence why I've not gone for two years, hence why I’ve never gotten help for my mental health.
I need tests, many tests for many things. I’m aware of that. I don’t function like a normal person and while some of that can be blamed on how I grew up, a lot of it also links to mental health issues and neurodivergence’s
Depression is the top one, runs through my family, I’ve had it since I was a kid. I should be on antidepressants, I know people on antidepressants. I know how they work, know the different ones and how they react differently based on your brain. I don’t like the idea of needing meds for it but I also know that it’s somewhat necessary.
Just because I can convince everyone else that I’m fine, just because I’m high functioning, doesn’t mean I’m not severely depressed.
Then there’s the suspected adhd/autism. I think more autism, I looked into adhd, haven’t gotten round to the autism yet. I fit a lot of the categories, but I don’t think it’s right. Which is dumb? Not dumb but idk how to explain it in a way that makes sense.
I do fit into most of the categories, 6 or more which is apparently a sign that I have it so I wanna get tested for it even if I don’t think I don’t have it.
Then there’s autism which I do think I have. Not just based on my opinion but also cemented by the many people, autistic and not, whom have told me over the years that I most likely have it.
Again, I haven’t looked into autism as deep as I’ve looked into ADHD yet, I’m just waiting for that mood to do it to come back. I know a bit though, and well, yeah. It fits pretty well actually and explains so much from my childhood it’s actually kinda hilarious.
Then there’s anxiety, which well I just spoke about my experience with the doctors so I feel as if that pretty much sums it up. It’s not just with that, obviously. I’m always feeling a level of anxiety, even if it’s small. I don’t know why, sometimes I can point it out, usually I can’t. I’m anxious right now and I’m just here, in my room, rambling on and on.
I didn’t even come here to yap about this yk?? My brain just went here for some reason and wouldn’t leave so you can suffer with me.
Anyways so yeah. I need, no I should probably get tested so I can get the help that I need. I know people say that they get used to their own mannerisms and sh-t, but I honestly just exhaust myself 24/7.
Like right now, my mind is going too quick for me to actually yk focus, I’m anxious as ***, tired but not tired enough to sleep but also simultaneously wired as ***.
But then it’s likeeee, okay so I do this right? I get diagnosed, on meds and all that. What if I kinda just get lost? And not in a physical sense obviously but my quirks, my brain, my oddness is apart of me yk? So what if I loose that.
I’ve spoken on here that I struggle with my identity, which is true. I don’t know who I am, what I want to do or who I want to be. However there are still things that are just me.
Like the fact that I hate when my foods touching on a plate. Christmas dinners consist of me spending way too long, ensuring that nothing touches. Or my random spirals where I research things that interest me. Or my hyper fixations that can last days or months.
i want to feel better. I want things to be easier for me but I don’t want to loose what little of myself I have left. Does that make sense??
@Malecfan
Sorry to hear you're going through this 🫂 there are a lot of parts of what you wrote that I can relate to myself, as someone who also has autism and ADHD.
There's no reason doctors' offices can't have online forms to make appointments these days instead of having to call them 😡 I hate talking to strangers on the phone. A lot of doctors' office receptionists have not been kind to me in the past and made me feel bad for asking questions. I have very little privacy at work to make phone calls during the hours doctors' offices are open and I imagine that's true for many people. I have to imagine it's also a huge accessibility issue for people who are deaf/HoH, are mute, or struggle with spoken communication for any other reason.
There's also how big of a pain it is to find doctors that are covered by my insurance. Double that for any kind of therapy. I've spent a great deal of effort trying to find an in-network therapist who covers the topics I need to see someone about, takes my insurance, takes in-person appointments (I feel like I won't be comfortable being as vulnerable as I need to over video call), AND actively has openings. It's like finding a unicorn 😓
I've also been hesitant about pursuing medications for mental health. I've heard it can take a lot to find what actually works for you, and that the ones that don't work along the way can have terrible side effects. It really feels like the devil you know vs. the one you don't; my life isn't perfect and I'm stuck in a lot of ways due to my brain chemistry, but it's easier to keep things as they are and remain predictable, employed, and there for my loved ones in some capacity than jumping into the unknown. I too have grown to love parts of my "oddness" and wouldn't want to diminish them too far. It's taken most of my lifetime to realize I was different and then eventually come to a place of overall self-acceptance; part of me thinks "why stop now?"
If it's any help or comfort to you though, I've had a lot of success in managing my autism and ADHD by "treating it on my own" so to speak. Look into content creators on YouTube who talk about neurodivergency and share their coping strategies. It's not one size fits all and you might have to search a bit to find someone whose brain chemistry is similar enough to yours that their strategies are useful to you in the same way, but at the very least hearing other people talk about these topics may make you feel more understood and less alone. I also journal a lot because I'm a huge intellectualizer with this stuff, but it has helped me become more self-aware and intentional about how I manage my quirks.