Journal: My Nook
I'm going to make this my journal. To express myself and my thoughts. So I don't go crazy! Be warned of the path that bestows ahead of you traveller. 🫡
Most likely it will be just rants, venting, or some way to get my mind off stuff. I will take advice, comments, and questions (depending how intricate). I'm open to just chattin it up too. With every entry I'll write a word that described my day.
I'll just start off for today's entry Perseverant
I think today was fine. As most days are. My dad is sick these last two days. Im taking care of him. And the pets. Yesterday I had 2 job interviews that went fine; 1 for a Rbt therapist another for a Substitute teacher assistant and that night I spoke with my sister about how we could help our financial situation better, with saving more and cutting out some stuff also we include our mom more. For Rbt i would need to commit to it. The sub one is good, but I need to take tests and I dont have insurance yet so Im also trying to get that for my sister and I. The process is annoying.
Im introverted and dont really like being around people for a long time, but im adaptable and i manage, and when it goes nice its nice. I understand being an Rbt is demanding and that it'll take effort. But I do like to help, i just think i would be more of a background assistance. But i my parents especially disliked the idea or working with austic children. They just base everything on their experiences around them as the whole situation. I dont how true it is, but they say most of those children are violent and chaotic. That their personalities switch up. I argued with my dad about it; I always try to let him see that not everyone is a certain way. Or just being the neutral guy. So i guess that job isnt for me. :/ But mainly because of the commitment and they want me to study for their certificates and i want somewhere, to where i work and come home to do a certification for me. So thats where the Substitute Assistant comes in. I actually like that idea, but like i said insurance and doctors. So i guess ill be holding off for longer. 😮💨
Im sick of feeling useless and I want to be more. I know im not much of a person. So if not for myself. Ill perservere for my puppy. Hes everything to me right now. And ill be better for him. Hes smart, pretty, and silly. Hes a precious boy. ❤️ Tbh i think he saved me. Ever since i got him i became more productive and less slow and think about more than the present. I feel myself being more responsible and i want to maintain if not push further. Idk. I mean even saying that, I question.... does that make me pathetic? Am i that low? But hey ill just leave that there.
I felt like I was being grumpy today I dont want to. I dont want to be pessimistic or negative, but im told i am. I thought k was realistic, but sometimes i do realize i could've been more optimistic. Maybe i have a resting 🐶 face but i even felt it inside today. While grocery shopping, I felt like idk grumpy cat. I told my dad about saving and cutting back, but my sister and he still get their wants. We’ve saved more, though. I don’t want to be cheap or sour. I just don’t need much in life. I have dreams and wishes, but they’re just that, and I can focus on what I need. Still, part of me hold me back that just wants to relax and chill. It saddens me how much money can hold people back and take a piece of them, but that’s another rant.
This is my 4th forum post and Ive realized after writing each one. I do actually feel better. And this one is after a while from the last. So hm maybe something is working.
Hey! I make my text into colors! :D

Dissapointment
I got sick, same sickness my dad had. And boy do i hate uncontrollable vomiting. 4th day tho and i feel as close to normal as i can. I normally remember my dreams to a degree, but i didnt remember this one and i just felt the emotions from jt, anxious and scared.
i also baked peanutbutter cookies today. And a lot if not most came out burnt. 1 batch were burnt so i threw em out. The next were better. 1 batch was nice looking but the bottoms are always fricken burnt. I scraped it off. My sister said she liked them. I used to be pretty good at baking. I dont know what happned with my senses but i keep burning stuff or leaving it too long. I put timers and stuff too. GAHGHH. Feels like im failing. But i saved a lot for my dad. And hopefully i can take some to my moms house. Shes very snobby and judgy so ill see. ð«¤
Empowered
I know its a basic thing and its not that much of a big deal but..
I passed my road test and got a driver's license now!! :D
im grateful for my dad for teaching me everything and to the instructor yesterday who reviewed everything with me and to the inpector for being kind and patient with me. I had my road test yesterday and it was soo cold, but i wore layers. And i thought positive which even i am surprised i was able to do. I thought to myself I can do this. And im gonna ace it so im glad. Also apparently the parking, reverse and 3point turn is the hard part for people, but for me it was the easiest. I mean that just relies on me so i know i can do it. The street driving is what worries me in general, cuz theres more dangers and more to focus on. But besides me being kinda slow i did great. So glad for that.
Also I applied to mutiple library assistant jobs. I hope i get them cuz librarian sounds like a really nice jobp and is more my speed, but its ok. And my mom called me today asking what exactly im doing for my future and maybe trying to support me??? Shes very judgemental and condescending so pushing that aside i think she was trying to help.
Also i completely forgot about the picture aspect of a drivers license and i look crazy ;( hah. I had a hat on so i was just focused on the test. Not my looks but OH WELL I GUESS. YOU CAN TELL ITS ME. NEXT TIME ILL LOOK NICER. (im not playing for another picture noe going back to the dmv they suck)
Overall pretty good day :D ✨️
Anxiety
Crazy how a simple little thing will upset my whole vibe.
I am on the bus rn writting this and I came back from my TB results. Theyre all good. I took the bus to and now from. Going was fine i even got to my appointment 40 min early and the physician is really nice. I wish she was my actual doctor.
I had all my money prepared for the bus and i confident. But at somepoi t i guess i dropped a quarter. The bus driver let me go, but CMON MAN. and everyone was looking at me like i was broke. I mean kinda, but its the judgement. I think i see my mom in judgemental women ha.
I had a weird dream too.
I dreamt my mom was pregnant (which isnt possible) and we were otw to MVC to get my driver's license with my dad. There was a nice lady who helped fill out papers. Then otw i was fixing my hair and face cuz my mom reminded me.
OKAY PAUSE I JUST FOUND THE STUPID COIN :((((
Anyways i took the picture and as us 3 were walking i was going to ask her was gender is it. Then a llittle boy ran up with a toy calling my mom mami. So i guess she also had a kid. I asked whats his name she says i dont know, but ive been calling him Apollo. Im like what... like the sun god? Shes like cuz it sounds like A. POLLO a chicken. My gosh. Also it clearly wasnt my dads cuz the boy looked different. Anyway that was jt
Alsoi gues since i found the coin it means i saved 25 cents. Yay i think?
Discomfort
IM FRICKEN SICK AGAIN BUT THIS TIME I CANT STOP SNEEZING. AND MY THROAT IS ILL.
Also i have really bad hip pain that goes down to my leg and i hate it. I sneezed and it came really hard to the point i struggled to stand.
i had soup and im gonna have a hot shower. Gosh this and the previous sickness are equally horrible. Lots of bills are coming up too so thats great. I think i had a sneeze for every person in the world while writing this.🤧
You know its bad when you asking god for help. 😭
Exasperated
I think Im set to say I'm sick of being an American. (In some aspects) Have your opinions as you may, but I will take it with a grain of salt.
First off election day was probably one of the worst days of my life. I felt sick to my stomach voting for 🍊. I had a whole breakdown. I dont even say "I" voted for him. It was my dad who voted through me. Since he isn't a citizen yet and he is SO political. I love him and I owe him a LOT. So I decided this election would be his vote. But after that I'm voting for who I want.
I AM SICK AND TIRER OF HEARING HOW GREAT HE IS. I have done my arguments with him and he cannot be convinced. So in December I just was like I'm just going to let it all pass by me. One ear out the other.
But it hurts listening to this stuff all the time. I miss when he would just watch cartoons and action shows. He was more enjoyable. But he got so deep into all this stuff. I dont even think I'm a Democrat or Republican. I don't like either. I just want it to be over. Why must this split people? I hate elections. I HATE POLITICS.
It sucks cuz I myself have my opinions and views and I do like activism and social justice. I aplaud those who truly do that. Because I am EXHAUSTED FROM HEARING IT ALL.
At this point Democrat or Republican. Liberal or Conservative. Or Libertarian or Socialist or Contrairian or whatever the heck there is. It's all NOISE now. IM TIRED. I just wish people would actually listen to each other instead of calling each other *** or stupid for now agreeing. I mean I hear it so often from my dad and his friend, "These ***. So stupid. No brain." Ljke how are you not burnt out?
Oh well. Maybe I'm too young to understand it all. Or too dumb. Either or. I just know.
"I am sick and tired of being sick and tired."
-My middle school teacher
Frustration
I spend practically all my time with Mino compared to everyone. And I DONT KNOW HIM? I can tell when he's sad, upset, happy, annoyed, scared, and excited. He's MY DOG. I know him. So why am I always being corrected or shown like I don't. Mino is sick pooping blood and vomiting. There is no money yet for a vet, no vaccine yet. I just want this job application to accept me already. But I think Mino should take a break for 12 hours, at least from food. Then give him some bland stuff. But, my dad thinks he needs to eat enough to push down what's in him and poop it all out. He said to give him milk one night. I did. He vomited 4 times in a row. Never again. I knew it was gonna end up bad, too. So now apparently, what I'm looking at is mucus, not blood. ITS CLEARLY BLOOD and mucus. Blood is red. Mucus is clear or yellow or green. Isn't it? If I'm wrong, then fine. If he's right, fine. But it's not fine for Mino, and I don't want to just let him be right if Mino gets worse. The only reference is Luna or Bebo, and 1 is my mom's, and 1 is dead. I love both of them. And Bebo ❤️sm. But cmon if only there were easy solutions to everything.
They like to act like I'm some lazy bum who is cynical and rude. I understand and see my faults and are actually trying to better them. BUT ARE THEY TRYING TO? NO! They hate how I'm lazy. Well, guess how I feel? I loathe myself for it. So I try to exercise but in secret because they'll judge me and now I'm told why don't I exercise? And when I say I do. "Oh really?" They hate how I cry too much. I HATE IT TOO. I have emotions stronger than all of them combined. My dad practically finds it disgusting and weak when I cry, but what I say should be worth more. Because that I try. I'm told I'm cynical when I hear them all day being negative. I WONDER HOW I AM HOW I AM. I try to smile and have a laugh, and what happens? It doesn't work, or I'm being unserious. And when I act how they want me to. "Stop acting like a robot." If I don't, I'm weird and cringe.
GOSHHHHHH
And all the time, it's comparing me to someone else.
Hey. You don't need to do that, yknow? I do it to myself enough, and it hurts. I find it funny that on my doctor checkup, I put 1s and 0s for the mental health check. Haha, more like 3s and 4s. But if I did that, it would cost money and time.
I know I am journaling for myself, but why so I feel so self hatred for it? Like I'm ranting too much. Or taking up space. Well, self-worth, self-esteem, whatever. What's funny is that my mom realized I didn't have that. Which caused my dad to act like he knows now. BECAUSE HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE EVERYWHERE. And im the one who always has an answer or knows it all. But, yea, sometimes he does. I love my dad and mom, and family. And they can be right, but can be sosososo wrong and hurtful.
Whats annoying is how Mino wants to go sleep in my dad's room every night. He has multiple places to sleep even my bed. But my right next to my dad is better. Cherry on top. :)
so apparently my sister and i have a scamsurance haha great 130 bucks down the drain there. I mean we were able to get a checkup but damn. Also the actual insurance is apparently free. So yea. Headaches all round.
Vulnerability
I'm just sad. Sad of who I am. Will become. And was. The people around me. My situation. My presence. And my patience. I'm sad I always cry when I get too emotional. I'm sad that I can't be enough for everyone. I'm sad that Mino is sick and I can't help him enough. I'm sad that I feel I have to put a facade for everyone and even myself.
I am also scared. Scared that I'll have another dead dog too early. I'm scared of seeing his body limp on the ground. I'm scared that everyone will see me for the trash I am. And scared that my parents will be even more disappointed than they are. I'm scared of how I'll end.
I wish I was liked more. Wish I was stronger, nicer, prettier, smarter, and had more dreams. I wish my sister liked me for everything and would tell me what she doesn't. I wish she communicated with me. I wish my dad listened to me and understood me. I wish my mom was more present. I wish she cared about me more than her self-image. I wish she hugged me more as a kid. I wish I wasn't scared of my friends. Scared that I'm not cool or interesting enough. That they don't look down on me.
I think I have more issues than I thought, and I liked to laugh about them and mock myself. But I do think I'm a problem as well. I feel like Im in a loop of highs and lows and I always end in lows. I've never had a truly good day in my life. Maybe when I was a child. But I've end up suppressing memories when my emotions are at a high. Everyday of my life has had a bad part to it. Beginning, middle, end. A small part or big. Worst part is I have a feeling in my heart that I've had good days, but forgotten them becuase the bad outweigh them so hard. I can't even remember my graduation fully if it wasn't for pictures/videos. I want to be better, but I'm too weak and I'm tired.
I wonder if other people are the same. I just want Mino to get better.