Journal: My Nook
I'm going to make this my journal. To express myself and my thoughts. So I don't go crazy! Be warned of the path that bestows ahead of you traveller. 🫡
Most likely it will be just rants, venting, or some way to get my mind off stuff. I will take advice, comments, and questions (depending how intricate). I'm open to just chattin it up too. With every entry I'll write a word that described my day.
I'll just start off for today's entry Perseverant
I think today was fine. As most days are. My dad is sick these last two days. Im taking care of him. And the pets. Yesterday I had 2 job interviews that went fine; 1 for a Rbt therapist another for a Substitute teacher assistant and that night I spoke with my sister about how we could help our financial situation better, with saving more and cutting out some stuff also we include our mom more. For Rbt i would need to commit to it. The sub one is good, but I need to take tests and I dont have insurance yet so Im also trying to get that for my sister and I. The process is annoying.
Im introverted and dont really like being around people for a long time, but im adaptable and i manage, and when it goes nice its nice. I understand being an Rbt is demanding and that it'll take effort. But I do like to help, i just think i would be more of a background assistance. But i my parents especially disliked the idea or working with austic children. They just base everything on their experiences around them as the whole situation. I dont how true it is, but they say most of those children are violent and chaotic. That their personalities switch up. I argued with my dad about it; I always try to let him see that not everyone is a certain way. Or just being the neutral guy. So i guess that job isnt for me. :/ But mainly because of the commitment and they want me to study for their certificates and i want somewhere, to where i work and come home to do a certification for me. So thats where the Substitute Assistant comes in. I actually like that idea, but like i said insurance and doctors. So i guess ill be holding off for longer. 😮💨
Im sick of feeling useless and I want to be more. I know im not much of a person. So if not for myself. Ill perservere for my puppy. Hes everything to me right now. And ill be better for him. Hes smart, pretty, and silly. Hes a precious boy. ❤️ Tbh i think he saved me. Ever since i got him i became more productive and less slow and think about more than the present. I feel myself being more responsible and i want to maintain if not push further. Idk. I mean even saying that, I question.... does that make me pathetic? Am i that low? But hey ill just leave that there.
I felt like I was being grumpy today I dont want to. I dont want to be pessimistic or negative, but im told i am. I thought k was realistic, but sometimes i do realize i could've been more optimistic. Maybe i have a resting 🐶 face but i even felt it inside today. While grocery shopping, I felt like idk grumpy cat. I told my dad about saving and cutting back, but my sister and he still get their wants. We’ve saved more, though. I don’t want to be cheap or sour. I just don’t need much in life. I have dreams and wishes, but they’re just that, and I can focus on what I need. Still, part of me hold me back that just wants to relax and chill. It saddens me how much money can hold people back and take a piece of them, but that’s another rant.
Delight
Mino is getting better. My dad's going to retire. He earned it. And I cooked food with croquettes. I was going to bake cookies with it, but got tired. Nobody was really able to eat it cuz they were either full or sick. But had a small portion amd said it was good. My mom said it looked good too. :)
When I'm stressed or after a breakdown cooking, baking, cleaning or fixing stuff helps. I'm not that good but I can see my progress and I learn.
little by little
Release
Mino got sick 1 more time, and now he's fine. He just has to regain the weight he's lost he's a powerful puppy, so I won't worry. Lies, I'll worry A LOT, but it's cuz I love him.
I had my final political talk with my dad (I hope). And I feel better about it. I think he just got more upset, but OH WELL😅🥲. I feel relieved cuz I just wanted him to be educated before he has an opinion and he says his opinion is set already. So I realize he just wants YES men around. And he's close minded. Which makes it hard cuz im the opposite. I love listening to other opinions even if I don't agree cuz I just want to know why and how cuz there's probably something there to takeaway from. I like having an open conversation and I'd someone disagrees I want to know why.
It's definitely an annoying trait of mine, but I always ask questions. Sucks cuz when I actually need to ask important questions, my mind goes blank. Like why do you want to a job I freaking responded "To contribute" Yes that's true but it was more than that 😵💫
like when going somewhere I need to know: How long will we be there? How far is it? What is our transportation? Will there be food? How many people will be there? What kind of people will be there? What's the attire? When will we come back? What is the location like?
I like to say it's cuz as a kid I watched Sid the Science Kid and he said to always ask questions and I think it stuck with me. (My parents probably regret it now, lol)
Bittersweet
Birthday today!
Yayyy I guess. Big old 1 9. I don't feel any different. Except for existential dread, but mehhh.
Spent it at mom's had Dominos. My dog and her dog were able to play. Although they're difficult to handle since Mino wants to get freaky with Luna. Yikes. But yea pretty OK. Just wanted to watch some of my fav movies with them, Rio 1 and 2 came along. I'll watch Madagascar 3 with my dad. 1st time I saw those movies were on DVD my mom bought from the laundromat so it's nice to think of that I guess.
Family calls that I don't really care for. My dad tired got bad news from work. And my sister ended the night by telling me to ***, since I told her to walk quieter since it makes Mino bark. I'm tired of talking with the family I love with even though they're better than my moms part where there fake and stuff. But to me being at my moms house is like a vaca. I definitely feel less like crap.
But enough. It was a good birthday. I dont care for these days anyways. :)
I cook more too. So I enjoy that. Smoothies/milkshakes included. I'm not fast or that good. But I enjoy it and I like what I make so that makes me, happy?
Backsliding
My b-day passed it was nice. Just wanted to watch my fav movies with family. Rio 1 then 2 with my mom and sister and the dogs. It was nice there was pizza, wings, and lil bit of cake. But then that night my sister told me to shut the eff up so it hurt especially since she's younger, but it's sorted out now. I will just talk to her unnecessarily.
Domino got vaccinated he freaked me out for a bit. But he was great. He's a strong dog. I love that dog. He gets he booster the 25th. Luna is gonna get spayed Tuesday if the vets open. So progress. I do want Mino neutered but it my dad doesn't it seems he's like wait and we'll research and see. But I know for sure I want him neutered. I did my research. I made dragonfruit milk for my dad and sister. She brought home Philipino breads it was nice. I gave Mino a bath today too. I'm think I'm set on being a data analyst in marketing, products, reception. But I'm not sure on the math part since in not so good. My parents say I'd be a good vet. But I'd hate seeing hurt animals all day and how people treat them. I'd just be depressed. An office job is fine for me.
Forgetting
I think I've closeted myself for so hard for so long has actually affected me. In a way that hurts me. That I fear to even let that side of me out like shunned. Even in a situation where I'll be completely safe and comfortable I'll hide it. I think it's become a default answer and it hurts cuz I def can't come out to family and society is just headed in a harsh way. Even with friends, they know I'm queer and that's it. I don't want to bother people with it, cuz what if somehow my family finds out. like yes I am.. I can't even write it out. In my diaries or journals I even censor myself.
Agony
My father has become an unbearable person to be around. I love him. But every interaction has been about money, my mom, the car, or some issue. He says he doesn't like people who "mhm" and "ok" (yes men) but he surrounds himself with them. And it seems it's all he wants from us (sister too). I try to bring in positivity but I'm just stupid or unrealistic. And when I'm realistic or honest it's negative or ungrateful. I have been around him less and less. All I hear is him calling me lazy, I have attitude and I'm spoiled. There is no communicating. He makes comments saying I'm not trying hard enough on my skin care. Cuz I big pimple came up. He said it comes from people who are spoiled and negative. I said stress. He says what the *** am i stressed about. He has decided we are.moving to PA. That's fine. But I wanted to do 2 years of community College. I don't really have anything holding me back tho. My sister is still in hs so that really is all. He says we're not good enough spies on our mom. (Our mom isn't great. But that isn't what you had a kid for. Is it?) I'm trying so hard to get a Job and it isn't happening. I'll do anything but food service. I I don't mind. But he says I'm lazy. It's like object permanance. If he doesn't see it. It's not happening. I have svars from depression, stress, anxiety. But that won't do anything. Cuz he thinks sending someone to a therapist is an insult. Im TIRED.
It's between the anxiety from College/jov or home. Why. I want to get myself a studio or just live out with roommates atp. Something I was planning for 25 but he's making it impossible to even be around him. I feel like ripping myself to shreds around him. If I had 9 lives. 8 would be used up by now. All I know is what he says goes. The only control I have is the way I dress, Hobbies, and my hair. My hair is something I like to cut and style because it's a way to define myself and have some control. But he hates it. My mom hates it. I just want it all to be over. And he always talks about when he dies. Or just leaving. The guilt. His family and my moms has done him so dirty. I get it. But it's all put on me. I just can't.
delirious
Music really is my cure. My cope. My hope. I can be at my lowest low and a song or melody will lift me. (Or make me sadder lol). I might be a lil crazy. Because after the worst breakdowns I laugh and joke. Yes I feel a raincloud in my heart but it fades, it's becomes stormy.
"If I don't laugh, I'll cry."
I realize it's become my mantra. If that's the right word. I say it a lot. That's all I know. :)
