Ramble Oml sorry

I don’t understand people. I struggle to interact with others, I tend to just keep to myself.

Despite this, I’m fantastic with people. I’ve told people that I’m not a fan of people and their reactions are always one of shock.

I know how to observe, listen, pay attention so I watch people. I take notice and act accordingly. It’s easier once you break it down, simplify it.

Obviously theirs contingencies like anger issues, life changes, stuff like that will change people. It’s natural but annoying for me.

I can have a person down pat and then they’ll do something unexpected and I won’t know how to react.

I like to think that I’m fairly predictable, most of the time. I’m a really nice person, with a sense of humour that bites.

I don’t mean to be rude but sometimes I miss social cues or don’t understand how I’m supposed to react. I have a poor brain to mouth filter too.

It’s rare that I say things with the intention to hurt someone. Usually it’s after months of ignoring stuff, letting it build up till I snap. I’m usually pretty honest though, even if the words are harsh.

I also have an awful memory, something I often warn people about because yes I will forget your name or birthday or favourite colour. I’ll try not to but I usually will. It’s nothing personal, just a weird thing about me.

I almost forgot my own birthday last year, if it wasn’t for my family I would’ve.

I always miss people.

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone that because it’s low-key kinda embarrassing but it’s the truth.

I miss every person I’ve ever met, even if they’ve hurt me. Even if I can no longer remember their name or what they look like, I still miss them.

Some are normal yk? My high school best friend, we stopped talking about two or three years ago simply because we went different colleges.

Some are less normal, my extremely mentally abusive boyfriend from when I was like 13? My step dad who left when I was 12. My mums ex boyfriend’s kids.

It’s not like a big thing, missing them. They’re not constantly on my mind or anything it’s just kinda like a steady background ache. Something I’m constantly feeling but don’t always pay attention to.

Which is actually kinda funny because a lot of people say I don’t have emotions. It’s not true, I just know when it’s necessary to show them.

Like when me and my mum get in an argument. She shouts, doesn’t listen at all. She always thinks she’s right, even when we both know she’s in the wrong. If I can get myself to cry though? Game changer man, same with my older sister.

I don’t really cry in my own time, I never cry in front of other people. So I use it to my advantage. A little cruel, yes but it’s smart too.

It’s the same with the anger too. I bicker, I poke and I prod, I get moody but angry? Angry to the point I shout is a rare thing.

Now I’m fairly deaf, I struggle with my volume because I can’t hear what volume I’m talking at. However, there’s a difference between that and me shouting.

I raise my voice a lot at work but I don’t think I’ve genuinely shouted at someone. It’s rare, I don’t like doing it, I hate being angry.

Which is funny because I’m angry most of the time but I don’t like showing it.

I’m a hard person to read I think. I like to think anyways, I know my tells though. I get quiet when I’ve had a really hard day, louder when I’m feeling depressed.

I sleep less when I’m depressed but more when I’m having a bad day. Makes no sense I know but it does to me.

My older sister thinks she can tell but reality is that I’m always depressed, just some days are worse than the usual.

I like being a hard person to read, I don’t want people to look at me and know me. But a part of me does because it’s easier than explaining.

I think that’s why I miss people. I miss being known, even if they didn’t know me like fully. They knew more than strangers do, understand my mannerisms and quirks more. I think I just enjoy the simplicity of it yk?

Anyways I’m so freaking tired so night