Reflections and gratitude 🫂🤍

Hello my darlings💖💖💖💖 this journal is extremely sensitive so there are triggers warnings of all sorts, if you choose to read this, be mindful and cautious when reading, I don't want to set anyone off. ❤️‍🩹

I'm a free woman for the most part 🌟

I'm a free spirit 😎

I take care of myself, and others take care of me 💖

I value my emotions and reflect on them everyday 🩵

I can see the beauty of being alive 😊

I value my own life 💖

I'm still learning and growing 💗

I can express my emotions and be validated without the abuse

I'm still breathing and alive💓

I am a independent woman, I'm away from that awful place💖

My body is respected, in general I'm respected 🙏🏼

I have God by my side 💖

I'm safe and protected by many ❣️

Now it's time to reflect on my emotions

I've done a beautiful job of growing in many ways, I'm learning all sorts of things, like what love truly means, how to say no and respect my boundaries (work in progress like everything). A very big thing I have to work on is not going to who will abuse me, it's very easy to go back to the feeling that your so used to. My wife's nephew I think fell out of my adoptive parents a**, he does pretty much the same abuse, I hate it very much and he hurts me, (not physically only phycologically and verbally). I try to be there for him and support him because it's just easy to do, to help people.

There's that come line though... Why in the world would you go back to helping the same person that is so damn abusive, manipulative, conniving, sadistic, hurtful little ***? I go through so much and yet this happens, I sometimes feel like I put myself in the predicaments like I know that I will be abused... I don't know, there are two sides to the argument, he lives with us so I kind of have to deal with it, or I ask for it. But I know that can't be true because I have more respect for myself but then again we sometimes go back to what we are used to...💔

Now I'm working on breaking the chains and cycles, I'm try to give all my chains and problems to god, when I got saved I felt and saw all the chains around my whole body being set free when I was saved.💖🙏🏼💖 I just need to work on that more. If I'm so loved by many people in many ways why go back to the same kind of the abuse.. why hurt more than what I already do. I've done so much healing why would I do this.

I work through my triggers, I work through my traumas, I know mostly what sets me off, and he is in that list but I can't get away from him because he lives here and didn't have a license!!

I'm crying and screeching those chains feel tight on the thought of him they feel hot to the touch, I know their light much lighter than what they originally were.... I think and think and think how did I get here. He is the equivalents of what I had to endure... The pain knowing we can't get him out till he has the money to get his own place ..

I didn't do this to myself, I didn't ask for him to move in, I didn't ask for him to throw himself out of his parents house in the middle of February, this is not my fault. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I know that I can be stronger than him, I don't have to stoop so low, it just takes some more healing, I have come such a long way, there's no backing down, he is not in my way he is just a obstacle. 💓💓💓

He doesn't know all my silent battles, crud, screams, screeches, all the yelling. He doesn't see the wounds, all the rapping and bandaids, he doesnt know how strong I've become and how strong I'm still getting.💗 How to devoted I am to getting better in every way I can how I have established so much within myself. He will never ever get his sticky paws on my heart because any respect or care I had for him has vanished. When someone is working on healing or is healed they don't go back to the same kind of torment as they had to endure before the healing started, that's not my predicament but I know you guys understand what I mean.. I will win I will conquer my issues and won't have to worry about him. I love myself and I see my strength 💖