Thoughts

I still pick up my phone to text her.

Sometimes it’s something stupid yk? Just something that I heard or saw and it reminded me of her and so I go to text her. Sometimes it’s something important, big.

I can text her, she’ll never see it. I did text her for months with that knowledge. She blocked me a while ago so ik it won’t go through. I always check, double check to see if I’m blocked.

I realised that I couldn’t keep doing that though.

Stopping hasn’t helped, I thought it would.

I still double take when I see someone who looked like her. Thank God her name is a rare one so that I never have to hear it. I freeze whenever someone mentions it, gain enough consciousness to just brush it off.

When people ask me why I’m not dating anyone, I lie, tell them that no one’s gained my interest.

It’s not fully a lie, it’s true but in reality I’m still stuck on her. Every date I’ve been on ends up with me comparing them and I know that’s not fair so I cut them loose before it gets too deep.

I haven’t been on a date at all this year, I haven’t been anyone’s boyfriend in almost two.

Before her, I was a bit of a wh*re, I’m asexual but the concept still applies. Since I was like 11, I’ve never been out of a relationship for longer than 8 months.

It sounds bad, well it probably is but I had a lot of issues, have a lot of issues. I just wanted to feel loved, wanted.

Then she came along and just now yeah.

I should be over it right? Right. I know there’s no timeline for this but I want to be over it.

She is, she’s got a new boyfriend and she’s happy. I know I was the problem, I know that but still.

She introduced him to her family, she told me the last time we spoke. I dated her for three years. It’s one of the reasons we broke up actually, I knew it was because of who I am.

And that should make me hate her. It should. I wish it did because maybe I’d be less in love with her.

It’s been almost two years and I can confidently say that I’m just as in love with her as I was 2,3,4 years ago.

I can confidently say that if she called me right now, asking for me to come, I’d go. I wouldn’t ask why, I’d go without hesitation.

I miss her all of the time, even when I’m trying not to. I see her in the big things, the little things. I hate it, but love it at the same time.

This terrifies me. I’ve dated a lot of people but never been like this. I feel crazy.

I don’t even know what makes her different. She is though, she’s different.

I wish I could stop but I also hope that I never do.