Word scramble

Hello my beautiful darings💖💖 comments are more than welcome, no one has to read this, it's hard to understand because I suck at writing out my emotions, so if you choose to read this good luck🫨

My chest hurts, tears come and go and they don't stop they are like a sad fountain, I get dizzy spells, I get brain fog, I'm holding too much in, I'm not releasing as much. Everything is hitting very hard, my wonderful beautiful loving wife's MS is getting worse, she has lesions on her brain, she originally was coughing and she's up sick as I will put it.

When one good thing happens more bad things happen, I see her health and how her conditions keep worsening and in the back of my mind I keep thinking of our future and my kidney failure along with my liver, I worry, I worry so much about how I can't provide for her the way she needs me too, her health, my health.

It feel like everything is collapsing around me, yes I have my loving friends and chosen family but I feel like I'm collapsing I can barely hold on anymore to anything, I get all the breakthroughs and healthy and your healing but then I feel broken and everything is falling apart. I wish I knew the right words to say to say how I feel, I sometimes cry for no reason I'm happy on the outside but falling apart on the inside, I'm trying to be positive but it's hard when it feels like everything is falling apart.

I know you guys might be surprised and horrified but with all the stress I smoke, not weed just cigarettes, please do not ridicule me, warn me, or anything, I know how bad they are but it helps me deal with all the battles I go through every single day. But sometimes the cigarettes don't feel like enough sometimes I want to drink wine and lots of it just to mellow out, to ease all the pain, and everything. I try to spread as much love as I can because you can never show enough love in this world same with positivity, I try to be here for everyone, and it's so easy to focus on that instead of your battles and that's what I have an issue with. Maybe that's part of my issue but I go into this crazy battle field in my mind I don't want to be there. I can't breathe I never can breath, I don't know what else to say I'm really bad at this but I'm trying, it's funny how I can say such wise things to others and be there for so many but when it comes to myself it's like a 360. I try to be this strong person and put up the tough chick act, I have to remind myself that if God didn't think I was prepared for any of this, I wouldn't be going through any of this.

I'm so sorry my darlings did my chaos, I love you all very much