I might be aspec but idk
So I’ve been questioning my sexuality again recently and I think I might be on the ace spectrum but I’m still confused on it. I’ve had about two or three serious crushes in my 21 years of life (aka not fictional characters or the fleeting stranger I find pretty) but I don’t think I’ve ever felt any sexual attraction toward them. I know I felt romantic attraction but I never felt any desire to do sexual things with them, and that’s not to say I don’t have a libido, I just don’t think it’s ever directed at an actual person. All this would lead me to believe I’m at least somewhere on the ace spectrum, but the more I think about sexual attraction the more confused I get and then I start to second guess myself. I’ve read about sexual attraction (and lack thereof), but can’t fully understand it when applied to real life. When I find someone attractive it’s mostly on an aesthetic level and then I feel the desire to do romantic stuff like cuddling and kissing, but do others really see someone attractive and immediately feel the desire to have sex with them? I genuinely can’t understand how that works.
@Fynn016
I'm 26 and I've felt sexual attraction to 2 people in my life. 🤷🏼♀️ I regularly find people good looking... in an aesthetically appealing way. I don't even have a desire to kiss or cuddle. In fact, I don't want to be physically near them at all. Just like you, I have a fairly normal libido. It's just usually not directed at anyone.
Honestly, I never spent much time thinking about it as I just never really cared lol Until I was in my early 20s and I fell in love with someone. He's the one who first asked me if I'm asexual and then we established that I'm demisexual. I honestly hate the label. I never felt the need for any label... I'm me and that's all that matters. But it makes it easier to explain to others I guess.
Anyway, my personal distaste for labels aside, it sounds like you might be on the ace spectrum. Welcome to the club I guess. 🤷🏼♀️
@Fynn016
As you say the asexual spectrum is just that a spectrum and includes a wide range of experiences with the overarching theme being a lack of sexual attraction. But even when we try to define sexual attraction vs romantic attraction it seems to rapidly get a bit blurry. Where the line between to two is, can be hard to define or explain, especially if you don't experience sexual attraction.
Here is one very simple explanation that I actually find useful. "Sexual attraction comes from a sexual desire for something or someone, while romantic attraction is the want to have a romantic relationship with someone outside of sex." When I see this explanation it makes me think sexual attraction is more about what you want to do with the person, romantic attraction is more about wanting the romantic relationship with that person. Still a small distinction perhaps but one I've found useful.
This is just my personal opinion not fact by any means, but when it comes to specific things like "wanting to kiss/cuddle" as an attraction, I think those can be both sexual attraction and/or romantic attraction, but which they actually are is more a function of how we see those things and why we feel them. For example is it that those are part of having a romantic relationship with someone, and motivated by romantic feelings? Or is it more about the act of kissing or cuddling not a desire for a romantic relationship?
Overall if you feel like you identify on the asexual spectrum, then that's your decision to make. Each person's experience on that spectrum is their own. I know sometimes people want us to justify and prove our identity, but when dealing in shades of grey there is rarely one right answer. I'm not sure anything I've said will be useful, but I do hope you will find greater clarity for yourself either way.
