Anxiety is kicking my butt! (vent)

I have a trip planned for this weekend to see my kids, which I am very excited about! However, my anxiety won't leave me alone. The last time I took this trip, it was a nightmare! The visit was good, but I had an emotional breakdown afterwards, and then got stranded in between my home and theirs. I felt like absolute garbage!

Not to get too far into the weeds, but about a year ago I was separated from my kids. I had been a stay-at-home parent for the better part of nine years, but my now-ex-wife started divorce proceedings and kicked me out last summer. I had nowhere to live, no job (and a 9 year gap in my resume to boot), so I had to move 4 hours away to live with my aunt.

So on top of my memories of my last trip, I am missing my kids something fierce and I can't help but think I'm not getting any closer to living with them again. My lawyer has advised me that 50-50 parenting is not really an option any more (until I move back to their area at least) because of how long I have been gone...

Sometimes I feel stuck, sometimes broken. Sometimes I worry that I'll get barely any visiting time, and I DON'T WANT THAT! I want to be an equal part in their lives, and it feels like my ex is keeping me away from them out of spite! I have grown so much over the past year, and I am so incredibly ready to be a mother to my kids again! But my circumstances haven't changed much, and I'm just doing my best to survive.

Yeah. So that's my anxiety right now. It is extensive. Writing all of this has helped, but good Gob I just want to move forward! Or even just feel like I'm moving forward. 💖Much love💖