Chronic cheating problem

@Serinoca77

Chronic cheating problem

Dear Beloved,

I can feel your pain as you go through this situation.

Hi, I'm a 48 year old man living with a partner for 19 years. English is not my first language so sorry for any errors I might make in this post.

Nobody is here to find fault with you, but to understand you, support you, and help you heal.

I'm a chronic cheater and I've accepted I have a problem since last November. It's been a discussion in my relationship in the past. The reasons I did it at first is to retaliate against my partner's own infidelities. But then I got hooked on the thrill. I started going to cruising areas but I stopped for some time after I went to therapy for this habit.

I can feel the pain you have to go through because of the difficulties in your relationships caused by your chronic habit. However, the positive part is that you acknowledge your weakness, and you are willing to work on it and improve.

It was 2021 when I caught my partner playing with a young man in the bathroom at a gay bar. We had an argument and after a bit of a talk we came to an agreement. If he ever meets a guy he's interested in, I don't want to know and as long as he's safe. It was 2022 when I was introduced to more cruising areas by a friend and I got hooked again. I went to therapy again and my therapist suggested I search online resources for sexual addiction recovery. 

Okay, I understand. I hope you are following your therapist's guidance and working towards improving the habit that is causing stress in your relationships.

I was fine for a few months, until a few days ago. I was drunk and went to a bar to deliver something for an acquaintance there. The bar was closed. My partner went home because he was tired. My friend called me and asked me to come over and have drinks at his house instead. 

I arrived, we talked and had some wine and before I realized it we were naked in his bed. We were giving mutual oral sex, but halfway we stopped because we were too drunk to go on. I felt guilty the day after and regretted it as I usually do everytime something happens.

Guilt is a positive sign. It shows that you feel bad about what happened. It reflects that you had no intention of doing it; it happened while you were in a drunken state. It shows that you are still willing to improve and work on yourself. The inner desire to change exists.

Please do not feel bad. Get up every time you fall as you work toward your goal of 100. If you used to fail 100 times, now you might be failing only 50 times. This is improvement. One day, your score will improve. Gradually, you will reach where you want to be.

Always remember that change does not happen overnight. It does not happen all at once. It is an ongoing and gradual process of healing.

Since 2022 I don't tell my partner what I did. Other reasons why I do it because of seeking external validation. I gained weight the last decade, I'm diabetic and I get flattered whenever someone thinks I'm still desirable. I don't have many friends and in our local gay community it's hard to have someone who's willing to be your friend without trying to sleep with you first. My partner has distanced himself from his gay friends because of them trying to get in our bed.

I can understand your insecurities. It is painful to know about your disease. Please take extra care of yourself.

Your partner is putting a lot of effort into the relationship. It should never be one-sided. We should never become only takers, because there is more beauty in giving than in receiving. We should always recognize and appreciate the efforts of those whom we love. We should also be inspired to change our habits out of love for them and in appreciation of their sacrifices. We should also think about how our partner would feel if we did something that hurt them. If they value us, we should take that as motivation to work on our habits. It is never wise to hurt those who believe in us and love us.

I hope you learn to respect your partner's love, trust, and sacrifices, and begin to show the same in return.

After the therapy I was fine until I had too many drinks and ended up cheating again. As for my safe sex practices I don't do *** sex. I mainly engage in mutual jo and sometimes low risk practices like oral sex. I test regularly for STI's. 

I want to put this episode behind me, but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm working with a new therapist for work related stress but I don't know if I could bring this topic up too. I don't plan on telling my partner.

Another attempt has triggered feelings of guilt. It shows that you feel bad for indulging in it. There is something inside you that feels sad about how your partner would feel.

Never do anything that hurts your partner. How would you feel if your partner did it to you? That is how they would feel too. Next time you feel like doing it, remember that you are disrespecting your partner's love, trust, and sacrifices. What are you going to offer your partner in return for all this—dishonesty? Is your momentary pleasure worth more than all of this?

Your slogan is:

Be a giver in a relationship, not just a receiver.

I hope you overcome your habit.