I'm a bit confused...
Hey, this is the first time I've tried reaching out (nervous levels rising) so I hope it's not in vain.
So, it's been weird.
It began when I started high school. That's when weird stuff began to happen. I didn't think much about it, so I shoved it under a mat. The more things happened, the more I found that I've had this thing for my whole life.
When I was sixteen, I mildly gave in and said maybe I'm bi. That just went by, some of my friends found out which backfired with stuff like 'Condemned to Hell'.
And so, a year passed. 2020. 18 and finishing High School. Other stuff happened that I'm not going to get into, but know that it's there. I sat with a broken foundation and practically no identity.
Our country went into lockdown near the start of March. This was the first time in 5 years that everything took a break. But with it, came everything I dug into a whole. The first few weeks I felt sick every time I 'felt' something that could be put as 'abnormal'. By sick I mean some sort of nerve.
I've went out by 'accepting' myself, but nothing really changes. I think something is fighting against itself over this whole thing, and I feel on the edge of finally getting through it, but I'm still stuck. I don't have enough characters to write down everything, so if you came upon this and have questions, feel free to ask. Anything will help at this point.
Thanks in advance.
@BlueMoon7423
Firstly, I wanted to say thank you for sharing, I know many times that's a very difficult first step. It's normal to feel nervous about that, and I also hope you get some of what you're looking for :)
I think your experience with learning about something later, and looking back and seeing evidence that it may have always been that way, is probably a pretty common one. And more unfortunately, I think it's also common to push away these feelings to either deny them or just not think about them.
I'm really sorry to hear that when people found out, they did not react very well :( That couldn't have been easy to go through, especially at such a young age. Still, it is nice that you were able to give yourself some more acceptance, to slowly work towards accepting your own feelings. That alone can be a big accomplishment :)
It sounds like your transition out of high school, an already difficult time, was made even moreso with the feeling of no identity :( 18 is such an important age for identity as you move into adulthood, and it's understandable to feel broken when a piece is missing, as well as whatever other complicated events you went through.
I think it makes sense that when there was suddenly nothing externally going on (well, in the sense that many things took a break), that more internal things would start coming out. It also makes sense to feel uneasy with feeling these things, especially if you've had both bad experiences in the past and have been avoiding addressing them too much. Of course it's just my opinion, but I don't think these feelings are abnormal :) But it's understandable to feel that way given everything you've been through and the overall society we live in.
I'm happy that you've been trying to accept yourself more, but it's okay if that's still difficult for you. It's not easy to undo our internalized hesitations or negative views. It's okay if this takes time, although I know it probably doesn't feel very nice to stay in this sort of middle ground, of trying to accept yourself but not being free of the difficult feelings that come with it. I hope that you continue to have patience with yourself, and keep moving on the path of acceptance that you've started on. I know it can be a difficult road, but I feel you deserve to have peace with your internal self, you don't deserve the struggle you're feeling. It sounds like some part of you is ready to move forward into acceptance and being true to yourself, but perhaps there are still parts that are conflicted...it's definitely not an easy thing to go through, feeling like you're fighting against yourself.
@TaranWanderer Thanks a lot. Reading this really made me feel better. It's not every day that something positive comes from reaching out.
I guess patience is key here. Is there anything I can do to 'help it along' or will it be something like a light finally turning on and be like 'haza, we've done it!'.
Thanks again.
@BlueMoon7423
That's the difficult part, I guess. Everyone approaches self-acceptance differently, and it can depend a lot on what you respond well to and what kinds of inner conflicts you're having. I think there's always little steps we can take to be an active part in the process. For some it might be doing self-affirmations every day, sort of like saying a positive thing about yourself even if it feels insincere at the moment. For others it could be exploring yourself more, to understand how your history is playing a role in your current feelings and if there's anything you can do to put the past at peace. Or you could look toward the future and think of what you would like most, how you want your life to go, and what small things you could do now to get there (this could be related to how you feel about yourself). Or, things like learning more about how others' journeys went, which can help normalize what you're feeling, or even reaching out and talking about it can be helpful, like you've done here :) everyone has their own path they take, so it's hard to suggest what would be helpful to you, but those are some things I've seen in the past before at least.
@TaranWanderer Thanks! That's really helpful! I'll check what works and what doesn't, but I'm willing to explore and discover what does...
Thanks again!