I need your opinion
Im a 27 years old man and i recently broke up with the girlfriend i was with for 11 years due to several reasons, one is that i decided to come out as gay for good (i told her i was bi when i was 18 but it made things go really bad between us at that time and since i had troubles speaking my mind to her). So now that im 27 i feel like im not legitimate to call myself gay since i pretty much lied to everyone for more than a decade. I dont know how to cope with building myself an identity after trying to play the straight guy for so long... I also spend a lot of time trying to suppress my gay side from my teenage years to before my coming out by forcing myself to watch straight porn every week and i also looked for conversion therapy... So if you have any advice i'd be really gradeful to you guys
@Sombrius First, I'm sorry that you and your girlfriend broke up. I hope you're taking care of yourself and giving yourself the time and space to heal after such a long relationship. Second, you're not alone in hiding your sexuality from people. Don't blame yourself for hiding that part of yourself from the people who know you. It's really not any of their business. It's a deeply personal part of who you are and the people who really care about you would respect your decision not to share it until you were ready. Look forward to what's ahead. There's no more secret to keep and no more pretending. You can be yourself and love whoever your heart calls you to love. It will get better.
Thank you for your kind words 🙂
@Sombrius
Okay for starters, I'm really sorry about the breakup. breakups suck when you end up hurting the other person. But believe me, I understand you 100% !!! I went through almost the exact same thing. I was dating this guy for a while and told him I was straight because he was sorta the kinda guy you'd see yourself within 15 years' time so I wanted to see if we could be more than friends...It was too much for me. to pretend every day that I was straight. I still pretend, but I thankfully ended the relationship. Not that he wasn't a great guy or anything but I just couldn't pretend to be straight. I'm still a closeted gay woman and I don't know when I'll have the courage to come out but I can tell you this, you don't need to build an identity people approve of or to make it clear that you were just hiding behind a facade. self-acceptance is all that really matters. You know who you are so fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. I wish I could be more help but I just saw your comment and I had to reply to it knowing I went through the same thing. Even though I'm not at the other end of the tunnel I swear to you it gets easier with self-acceptance. It takes time of course considering you've been closeted for over a decade but better later than never, right?
Thank you for taking the time to post this, it always helps to know that other people went through the same thing and that we're not... Weird or anything. Self-acceptance is the hardest part of course, but im relieved to know that things can get easier with time 🙂
@Sombrius First off, congratulations for taking the first step to accepting yourself for who you are and getting your life to align with what will make you happy. It can be really hard to undo the damage caused by the homophobia in our societies.
My advice would be to find a group of queer friends that you can be totally open with. It's so important for us to be able to share our true selves and be seen for who we are in an accepting environment. I would also encourage you to spend a lot of time reading and thinking about the ways that homophobia is linked to misogyny. So often, homophobia againt gay men is an expression of the seeing women (and those who may take on femine acts or traits) as being less worthy or valuable than "real men". Understanding the toxicity of this dynamic will help you: 1) dismantle the internalized homophobia you carry with you, 2) treat your queer male peers with kindness and respect regardless of their gender conformity, and 3) be a better ally for women and trans folks in their own struggles for equality. I can't stress enough how understanding these dynamics will help with growth and acceptance of yourself and other people.
Now the fun advice: really get into being gay! I mean - make up for lost time and find out what gay porn makes you excited. Think about the kind of sex and relationships you want, and find partners who would enjoy sharing those things with you. Practice good communication so that you can ask for what you desire, and set clear, healthy boundaries with future partners. Fall in love, get your heart broken, and find solace in supportive friends that love you for who you are. This is the beginning of an excitinng time for you.
