Internal Conflict

Im having problems with both my sexuality and the gay community as a whole. I do not fit into the mold of of what is considered the norm for a gay man. I struggle with OCD in regards to my health and am afraid of sickness, which ironically is unhealthy. HIV and other diseases are a real risk and my fear of it is one of a few obstacles keeping me from pursuing a relationship. Also, Im not okay with the idea of sharing my partner with other men in a sexual matter so having an open relationship isnt what I want, which seems to be hard to find in the gay community. I was in a relationship with a man recently but we kept floating between romance and plain old friendship for a few different reasons that have to do with personal convictions both of us have. We are still close friends but I want more in my life and I do not expect him to have a romantic relationship with me as thats not fair nor is that authentic. Are there any of you out there that can offer me some advice. I dont think what I want from a man is asking too much but Im afraid of trying for fear of being disappointed again. Thanks everyone!