Confused about my gender

This is the first time I've ever told anyone about this but I'm going through a brutal breakup right now and it triggered every feeling I've ever had about myself to resurface.

Here's where, when writing it down in my journal, my head started to spin very fast.

I was thinking of times where I actually felt pretty and desirable (I was born male) and it hit me that the only times I did feel that way were when I wore my female friends dresses and tights and they put makeup on my face. As a joke of course. But I remember looking at myself in the mirror and liking what I saw for the first and one if the very few times in my life.

I've always connected way better with girls but now that I'm older I find it harder and harder to build trust (because of course I look male and at least in my own head that makes me more of a threat). That said, I feel very lonely because I haven't had a female best friend in a long time and my ex girlfriend is no longer there either.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. I'm confused and lost.

Thank you so much for reading