For a split second I was a man?
Okay so I think I may be struggling with DID but I’m not quite sure. This thing happened to me the other day though, and because im so confused about my general mental health, idk if this is a DID symptom or just my brain playin gender games.
so, I’m cis female, and I’ve always felt very boyish. Recently, within the past couple of years, since 2018 ish, I’ve been bouncing back and forth with how I identify. I’ve been in the closet this whole time though, because I switch around so often, I wanted to get my own stuff figured out before I made it public. So first I was gender fluid, then I was just a bi girl ( apparently a lot of bi girls have a tom boy phase) then I was just a girl who used masculinity as a way to kind of assert authority, then I was gender neutral, then I was gender queer, then I was just “I am me, gender is a human concept, I’m not even this human body so why does gender matter”, then I was a gender, then I was pangender, and currently I’m back to gender queer.
the other day I was hanging out with my friend though, and I don’t remember what I said specifically, but I said something about me having a boyfriend. I shocked myself by saying that because I didn’t I know that I was gay. So then I kind of just went on with life for a few seconds before I realized… wait how tf can I be gay I’m a woman.
this is really hard to explain but do you kind of understand what I’m saying. My complete soul mind and body just was a boy for a few seconds. The difference between that specific moment and the past few years is that I’ve always kind of just felt like “hey… it would be kind of cool if I was a man”, but it was never like I thought that I was actually a guy like I did in that moment. I literally though “ wait… boyfriend.. I’m not gay I need a girlfriend”. And then my brain switched back to “normal” and I’m so confused. The reason why I think that this could have to do with DID is bc well… I feel like that’s kind of self explanatory lmao. This was a completely new thing that has never happened to me before, ever. Like a blind person can think about what it’s like to see, but thinking about what it’s like to see is completely different from actually seeing. It’s like I saw for the first time.
@understandingOrange6322
Well, what can I say? I've found my soul mate. I'm the same. THE SAME, literally. There have been so many phases in my life that sometimes I just felt like I'd suffocate. But hey, its fine. You can take all the time you need to figure yourself out. I won't claim to know myself fully. I'm still in the void sometimes. I keep shifting.
Sometimes, when I'm in my mind, I think of everything as a man. Once, when my friends were talking about how we want out lives to end up, I actually narrated a whole thing with a wife and kids. I stopped, and that's when I realized that everyone was staring at me. They laughed it off, of course. But I knew that it had been something I never did before. I was a man in that moment.
I have never recovered from that incident. I still do that sometimes, especially when I'm talking without thinking. Which also means that the people close to me know this.
What I really want to say to you is......that you're okay. There's nothing wrong with you being like this. There's no wrong with us being what we are. We feel and think like a man but we aren't really. I don't even want to change my gender. I'm okay with this.
I know you'd feel like I'm making it sound easy but know that there are tears on my keyboard when I'm writing this. It's not easy. Not at all, to accept myself. It took me a long time to get myself together. To just know that I'm a man on the inside, maybe? Labels have helped me cope. I call myself non-binary, knowing fully what it means. Knowing that I do not belong to one gender, not in the mind. Not in my soul.
I'm Kim. Kim, who walks and thinks and feels like a man. Maybe I am one. Maybe I'm not. It's that huge grey area. And I want to welcome you to it. Yes, you are a part of this community and place where I am. You are home.
Don't ever think that you're just "weird" or "not normal". This is normal. This is us.
With love,
Kim
