looong vent.

i don't really expect anyone to read this through. it went on longer than i expected.

so, i'm a 16 year old trans guy. ill start off by saying i'm not too proud of it.. in fact the more time goes on the more ashamed i am of it. i never want to talk about being trans. i guess thats why i'm putting this all on a forum post now instead of talking to someone.

i've been presenting as masc as possible for months now. i'm out to one teacher and no one else. i'm not sure if i'm ready to tell my parents. well, my parents definitely know, but not from me. they assumed. i've heard them talk about it, they don't really talk about it anymore but it used to be a regular argument. my mom saying they should just let me experiment, my dad saying the internet had plagued my mind or whatever and they need to intervene. my mom confronted me like 10 times asking if i'm trans. i denied it. my dad bought transphobic books, i find gender critical articles bookmarked on his computer (not that i necessarily disagree with all of them; some made good points). it just seems like this is stressing them out a lot, especially considering that i haven't even come out yet. if i tell them, i think it would make things awkward, and i'm not sure they would support me (not to mention coming out to family is kind of a huge thing, and i know some people who would actually be disgusted by it *cough cough my entire moms side of the family*). i guess what i really want most is a therapist so i can really make sure this is the right path. i mean i've been fairly sure for almost a year and i showed some signs as a kid.. but i think i need to be absolutely 100% sure and diagnosed with dysphoria before i make any big decisions. the problem is i cant ask for a therapist for that diagnosis without coming out.

it gets more complicated too.. my dad has said some things some people would consider transphobic. when he said them i thought that too but now i think he was just confused and i even agree with some of his points, like how asking everyone's pronouns is unnecessary and certain pronouns do not make sense grammatically. my mom has some deeper confusion though, like she just does not understand the basics of what being trans means and thinks transitioning is a waste of time. she once asked me why a woman would want to turn into a man, why can't they just be masculine women? she also said women are awesome and no one should feel bad about being a woman.. once again just a misunderstanding of the entire meaning of being trans. it gets worse, but some of that conversation was not exactly appropriate to write here.

another thing. maybe a week ago, someone left chest binders on my bed. that of course caused me a lot of confusion. i know that it must have been my mom (i know my dad would never. they are the only two people who could have done it), meaning she probably did her research and had a change of heart. she has not told me she did it or anything. it seems really strange to me that someone would give their "daughter" a chest binder without actually knowing for sure that they are trans. for all she knows i could just be gnc. besides that, she put me on the spot. feels like she's asking me to come to her and confront her about it. i wish she wouldn't do that, and i hate that she straight up asked me multiple times because i think you should always let your kid come to you with this sort of thing.

i know this is really long and dumb but i needed to put all my thoughts in one place. i might add onto this in a comment or two later.