A problem with teachers
I think there's a problem with the school system. I was talking to a teacher about being trans and needing a binder. I'm not technically out to my parents but I have enough money so I hoped I could give the money to my school's therapist, Miss Dani, and she could buy it online for me. Except, teachers have to "stay neutral". She said she would in a heartbeat if her job wasn't on the line. There's going to be a gsa at our school but you need parent permission to participate, what is the point even? It's really tough when the teachers aren't even allowed to be on the same side as the students, and for some things I understand the neutral rule (political views, religion even, that sort of thing) but there's really not much teachers can do to help LGBT+ students, and it's sad. But she did offer me some resources I will check them out later, and I got two of my teachers to put some trans-supportive stickers (that I made :D) in their classrooms. One of them was a little unsure about it but I got her to. Stay safe out there, love you guys
@LonleyCheese
I see what you mean. It
definitely would be great if teachers could help more. It sounds like she tried
her best to be as supportive as she could though. Which is great. I’m glad she
was able to provide you some resources though! Also, I love the notion of making
trans-supportive stickers! 💜
@LonleyCheese
Yeah schools have always been a pile of steaming dog excrement t b q h. My teachers tortured me into a psychotic break at 12/13. They literally didn't care that I was dealing with incredibly rough things at home like transience, homelessness, and food insecurity, all they cared about was getting to power trip on me and making me act like their meek bootlicking slave. I'm 38 years old and I'm not over the abuse I endured in school by teachers and other adult staff. If you think your teachers are your friends, try telling them "no" about anything and sticking to it. Or lmao don't because they will ruin your life, and I mean that. Teachers are about as "safe" as the police, and by now you should know what I mean by that. Takes a lot more than a sticker to impress me at this point. They will never have your back. That isn't what they're there for. "My hands are tied," lmao. I don't feel sorry for them. Like whatever they'd face being brave to help a trans teen holds a candle to how brave the trans teen has to be just to live.
So let's talk about your problem: getting a binder. The real problem with a binder is not so much getting it mailed to your house as it is concealing it once you have it. Parents who will rip open mail addressed to you or interrogate you about what's in it don't respect boundaries or your privacy, and will go through your drawers and backpack and whatnot, too. They will also notice if one day your chest goes flat. And anyway, do you do your own laundry? Because whoever does your laundry is going to see the binder in there. Are you planning to secretly wash it in the sink? How will you dry it? Hanging it over the shower curtain isn't very secretive, and if you don't have a good way to dry it it's going to reek to high heaven of mildew.
In other words, your problem is a lot bigger than "how to get hands on a binder?" Getting your hands on a binder is the easy part. You could have it mailed to a friend, you could get it in an Amazon package with other items where it's plausibly deniable, you could just get it shipped to your house and set boundaries with your parents about not opening your packages. I'd say you could use Amazon lockers/access points, but who am I kidding, Zoomers don't get to walk around outside like we did in my day, you probably don't go anywhere without your parents helicoptering. (And that's a bigger problem than a lack of a binder, but the binder issue makes it obvious.) You could also get KT tape and bind with that, actually. (Look up the proper way to do it. Binding with tape does not mean wrapping all the way around the ribs. Do NOT use duct tape, KT tape is different and much safer.) But none of this solves the problem if your parents being all up in your grill, having an inappropriate sense of how much right they should have to control your gender expression.
My recommendation is to get a compressive sports bra instead. Something plausibly deniable that nonetheless gets you pretty flat. Having worn binders, I can honestly say there isn't *that* much of a difference between a binder and a really good compressive sports bra. And like...being real? This is for private personal gender affirmation. If your parents are that controlling of your presentation, we both know you're not passing as male right now. Yet, having some private control of your body can nonetheless feel vital and affirming.
One last thing to consider is that, in my experience, most older cis people, especially conservatives, wouldn't know a transgender binder if it bit them in the nose. Hopefully you haven't already had a disastrous coming out and re-closeting--once that can of worms has been opened, parents might be on the lookout for anything gender-non-conforming, and even reading conservative parenting blogs telling them how to spot the signs that their kids are doing trans things. But so many conservatives haven't understood that my binders were binders. Some of the off-brand binders on Amazon might look even more plausibly deniable. (Just make sure they don't have access to your purchase history, those things all have titles like "TOMBOY LESBIAN CROSSDRESSER COSPLAY BINDER FOR WOMAN") If you call it a "bra" or an "undershirt," they may think it's exactly that and even wash it for you and never question it. Some of the full-length undershirt styles are particularly passable as regular tank tops, others you can call "sports bras," and you can throw in some actual sports bras to confuse them and so you can be flat more days with less laundry. And/or you can also use the KT tape.
It's also worthwhile to boil the frog slowly on this, so to speak. If you have a large chest and it vanishes overnight, they're gonna think that's strange. If you keep wearing progressively more compressive sports bras though, they might just get used to it and stop thinking about it.
@LucarioJenkins
Thanks for the tips and warnings, and it sucks that stuff happened to you. Thankfully, my parent's don't really get up in my space (go through my backpack, room, that I know of anyway) and I do my own laundry, and my plan is to simply take some laundry detergent and wash the binder while I shower. I do think it is important to not try binding with unsafe things like duct tape as you mentioned, and the trans tips yt videos I watched scared me enough to keep me safe from that. I do have a couple sports bras if I wear them right it looks super flat :D but I cannot breath as well so I only do it in my room for like 5-10 minutes on bad days. I might have a cousin who knows about it mail one to me, or a friend. Thank you again, hopefully everything works out!
also I like to think my chest isn't that big, but I tend to layer enough that they probably wouldn't notice if it was suddenly "gone". I think they just don't pay much attention to me anyway though, especially with my siblings being a bit rambunctious
I keep forgetting stuff oof. My mom let me cut my hair super short, and plenty of strangers think I'm a guy or get confused of my gender. or I'll be at an extracurricular and others will awkwardly be like, "she.. I mean they? Idek" it's hilarious and affirming and whenever someone asks my pronouns I usually say "She/her, but that could change" or "I don't know" or someone asked what I was born as then, and I said a mistake because I was unplanned. I thought it was funny. They left me alone after that so it probably wasn't. One time someone- a random person, mind you, called me bro and then their friend was like dude that was a girl and it was funny. But also kinda sad but not. anyway, good luck!
@LonleyCheese
I would recommend just washing your binder with your normal laundry, not keeping it in with you when you shower. Main reason is, it'll dry faster in the dryer. You may have heard advice not to put binders in the dryer. The thing is you just want to keep it on a lower heat setting, like on the delicate cycle--I dry all my clothes on that anyway because high heat is bad for a lot of clothes. High heat basically melts the elastic in the stretchy parts and makes them stretch out to uselessness. Delicates or permanent press should be fine. Just keeping it with the rest of your laundry will also just be a lot more subtle.
Another thing to keep in mind is that binders that have a cotton panel in them (such as the GC2B binders), the cotton shrinks when wet, like all cotton does. Like you know how your denim jeans feel tighter straight out of the dryer? Same thing happens with the binding panel. Don't worry about it--just like your jeans, they will relax as you wear them. But this is a reason why you should size up if you are going to swim in your binder, and why a wet binder can be more difficult to remove.
Obviously do not use duct tape, but KT tape is actually safe to bind with with the correct technique. (Just obviously also a microtransaction, since you can't really reuse it....) There's a version of KT tape that's thicker called Transtape, but you can make do with the regular KT tape in the pharmacy.
And yeah haha I didn't know your size, but honestly the less you have to bind the easier it'll be to be subtle about it, and also the better stuff like compression sports bras will work.
If you're closeted and it isn't safe for you to be out, DO find ways to express yourself safely, absolutely, covertly binding and having a more affirming haircut are great ways to have some authentic expression in your life, but also be careful of going "too far" to the point where your parents notice and you face a backlash. They can make your life miserable once they realize what's going on. It's not the usual sort of anti-dysphoria advice, but sometimes it's worthwhile to "reassure" parents like that to help keep your closet opaque and protective. This can mean occasionally doing stereotypical feminine things (doesn't have to be all the time or everything)--if they see you with lipstick or wearing a skirt once, they'll feel reassured for months. I also use the trick of combining a really feminine thing with a really masculine thing, then slowly taking away the feminine thing. Since they already accepted the masculine thing when the feminine thing was present, it's sort of pre-approved and they don't notice it when the feminine thing goes away.
If you're 100% sure you're trans and 100% sure your parents would never approve, you want them to not know you're trans until you're over 18 and have cash/resources, then you can get any kind of transition you like and they can't do squat about it.
@LucarioJenkins
That's the idea, and thanks for the washing tips. I did tell my mom a while ago, and she was somewhat okay with it and somewhat not okay. She wanted to tell my dad but she didn't, and for a while she used they pronouns or said my child instead of daughter, and even asked me about stuff she found on the internet like what does pansexual mean, or whatever. But she seems to have faded that out and probably didn't forget but she acts like it. At least my dad doesn't know. We're not strict or bad, but we are christian. There was a baking show on and one of the contestants is a trans girl, I think. My siblings were debating and I threw in a couple things but not too many, and my dad walked in and was like, "that's a man who thinks he's a woman" And my little brother was like "but she has ***?" And my dad was like, "he's probably doing hormones" And I heard my sister saying that they probably chose their name. I have been sort of teaching my siblings a little bit about lgbt+ stuff if it comes up, and I'll be like girls can kiss girls, or I told one of them how trans works sometimes. My brother and dad were arguing (my brother is nine) an my brother was like, that's a girl! and my dad was like no! And i was like ): but anyway I think my siblings might turn out alright. Funny thing, when I first got my haircut most of my family was like, you look like a boy now lol. My little sister (6?) still sometimes "messes up" and says he for me. It's really nice
@LonleyCheeseI see what you're saying. I believe the teacher did her best by providing you with resources. I also know you did your best, and I am rooting for you. I liked how you created a way for teachers to show their support for LGBT+ students by displaying stickers! 👍
