Asking for opinions
So, I have a situation that a retired person who used to work at my company when I was fresh out of school is apparently deadnaming me on an invitation to a networking event hosted by his new company.
While I never personally came out to him, I tend to think that most people probably know since it has been years since I came out, but the fact I never made it personal means that there is a slight chance he didn't know.
I have certainly met him in more recent years, but he had always seemed distant, and rarely greeted me. So the dead naming on the recent invitation felt, strange to me. The fact is, our firm is largely a buyer of his firm's services, so it felt quite ironic that he would try to *** me off by doing things like that. I am quite undecided on how I want to respond, hence I want to ask for some opinions here.... I have listed some approaches that I think may work, but they are not necessarily comprehensive, so feel free to add your suggestion if you think of other ways to handle:
Thank him for the invite, and formally come out to him and see if it is an honest mistake or a deliberate one. If it is an honest mistake, great. If it is a deliberate attempt to belittle, then I will just have to handle depending on what is being said.
Ignore the invite completely, but show up for the event (it's a larger networking event, so anyone can show up). I don't think I really needed to talk to him if I don't want to, so I basically ignored him the same way he ignored me and who I am.
Ignore the invite completely, and simply don't show up.
So~ my beautiful people on 7Cups, what do you think about these options, and which one will you pick?
@IsaSilver
Giving advice is not a sanctioned function at 7 cups, and at best, I would be talking about what I would do, not necessarily what you should do.
I do have what may turn out to be useful questions/comments.
Has this person been around you enough to know how others refer to you? In other words, have you been addressed by any name that would be familiar to him?
Unless the invitations were handwritten, odds are the invitations were generated by some kind of software, usually something with a "merge function," that will extract names from a database, then add them to the invitations. Therefore, your name at date of hire might be the only one that could appear on the invitations. Perhaps more accurately, the name on your W-2 form may be the one the company goes by.
Regarding whether or not to attend, should that decision be based on this individuals attitude? If it's a networking event, it must involve a lot of people, not just him.
Unless it's an RSVP event, the only way that anyone would know that an invitation was ignored would be if they didn't show up.
It may be before your time, but there was a TV sitcom, "All in the Family," in which one of the characters, "Archie Bunker" was portrayed as an old school racist and sexist. At the same time, he was given some complexity in which at times, he acted quite lovable. Sometimes he redeemed himself by turning away from his prejudices and doing the right thing.
It could be said, that Archie was just a regular human, and very much a product of his upbringing and culture. As the series continued, Archie became more open-minded. Much of the humor was based on seeing Archie dumbfounded by the realization that he was wrong about some kind of ignorance based assumption.
So, your decision may come down to whether or not to bring your personal light to the situation, or avoid it. Keep in mind, the issue of your name may never have occurred to him.
Q: Has this person been around you enough to know how others refer to you? Have you been addressed by any name that would be familiar to him?
A: He has met me multiple times since I came out, so yes, he probably know how others refer to me. However, we have not personally collaborated since I came out, and he was no longer with the company when I came out either, so it is possible that he did not make that connection that old-name-me = new-name-me despite having met me multiple times since in person. Of course, it is also possible that he has more nefarious intent as well - that's why I am asking for opinions.
Q: Name at date of hire / my name on my W2.
A: This person is not part of my company (for clarity, let's call this A). He has retired for more than 10 years and has no reason why he would have my W2 or personal information with my company (A), since he now works as a part time consultant for another firm (let's call this B). Nonetheless, even if he has my information with my company (A), it would be my current name, not my deadname.
However, that raises an interesting deduction - the fact that this invitation was sent with my deadname on it, seems to contradict with the explanation that perhaps this person didn't know that dead-name-me = new-name-me; i.e. why would he not send the invitation to new-name-me directly if they think dead-name-me and new-name-me are different people altogether?
Q: Regarding whether or not to attend, should that be based on this individual's attitude? If it is a networking event, it must involve a lot of people, not just him.
A: The fact that the company I represent (A) is a net purchaser of services from this individual's current firm (B) means that whether or not to attend a networking event hosted by (B) will depend first and foremost my attitude. I do know multiple people from their firm (B), and have worked with a number of them in the past. Hence, I am open to all three of those approaches I am considering precisely for this reason - I can choose whether or not to deal with them, and I can also choose to not build a relationship with them. While professional network may not always be genuine, I also do not see a necessity in my current role to lick-their-***-just-to-get-their-business if them and me genuinely has no chemistry at all. And quite frankly, if that dead naming behavior is indeed deliberate, then why should I try to network with them at all? It's not like it would be a good fit to land a job with them, and my company doesn't have to buy from them either.
Q: Unless it is an RSVP event, the only way that anyone will know that their invitation was ignored would be if they didn't show up.
A: Yes, correct. Is this a question?
Q: So, your decision will come down to whether or not to bring your personal light to the situation, or avoid it. Keep in mind, the issue of your name may have never occurred to him.
A: While I cannot rule out the issue of my name not having occurred to him, the fact I have met him in person multiple times introducing them my new name means to me that them not knowing is more unlikely than likely. Given that, it's a question of whether I should confirm that suspicion and deal with the potential ugly situation if he admitted it that his deadnaming carries a malicious intent, vs ignore it and just cancel this relationship from my life.
