Awkward moment with a boy

I'm gonna preface this by saying that this talks a lot about s3xual things so if you'd rather not hear about that then please don't read this.

So there's this guy that I've had a crush on basically since I knew I liked guys. He's one of my friends and he's also gay. I came out to him a few months ago but never told him I liked him. A little over a week ago I was at his house and we were hanging out, just the two of us. Things got 'intimate' and before I knew it we were in bed about to 'do the deed'. I was really into it and he was too, matter of fact he's the one that started it. But before we were about to do that stuff I saw the clock and realized I had to be at work soon and that I stayed at his house longer than expected. I told him sorry that I had to leave and texted him afterwards saying I'm still down to do that stuff.

I'm a very awkward and anxious person and I've been struggling with really bad anxiety about basically everything for as long as I can remember. Well on Friday he texted me asking if I wanted to do that with him after school because his parents wouldn't be home. I don't know why but I said sure. I knew I wasn't mentally prepared, I felt like I was on the brink of having a panic attack but I was excited at the same time. I've never done anything s3xual with another person before, let alone a guy. I was scared but I said yes. About an hour after I got home from school I left my house to do what I told him I would. I got there and we talked for like 30 minutes about random stuff because he abruptly changed topics and asked if I wanted to do that stuff with him right then. I know I had already said yes over text and I was really excited but in the moment my anxiety got the best of me and I didn't know what to say. He tried to make a move but I shot it down because I just wasn't ready. We sat there for the next 30 minutes talking about it. He asked "so you don't wanna do this?" And I told him "I do but it's like my brain won't let me." And that's the truth, I was very excited to do that and I really wanted to but I physically just couldn't because my anxiety just wouldn't let me if that makes sense. I told him that I'm sorry for wasting his time but I just wasn't ready and so I left.

I texted him this after I left,

"Hey so I'm sorry for kinda just wasting like an hour of your day. I really wanted to do it and I thought I was ready but I'm just not in the right headspace if that makes sense. I tried to say what I meant while I was out there but I just wasn't making sense and didn't really say what I meant to say. I was fine with what we did last week because it felt more natural. I wasn't coming over there for anything s3xual but it did become s3xual. This time is different because it's not a natural thing. I did this specifically looking for something s3xual and that overwhelmed me. I have really bad anxiety about everything and this is just one of those things. I liked what we did on Saturday and I was hoping to do it again but I guess I'm just not comfortable doing it this way. I would like to do that kinda stuff with you but I'm just not ready to do it like that. I still would like to do this with you but I just can't bring myself to do it right now."

He left me on delivered and still hasn't answered me and I'm scared to send him another text. So I think he's basically just ghosted me at this point and I don't know what to do. I've been friends with him for years and I still really like him but I think all that's ruined now.

Sorry if that was kinda a long read