ELIJAHHHH Member Profile

Awkward moment with a boy

LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by ELIJAHHHH

May 22nd

...See more I'm gonna preface this by saying that this talks a lot about s3xual things so if you'd rather not hear about that then please don't read this. So there's this guy that I've had a crush on basically since I knew I liked guys. He's one of my friends and he's also gay. I came out to him a few months ago but never told him I liked him. A little over a week ago I was at his house and we were hanging out, just the two of us. Things got 'intimate' and before I knew it we were in bed about to 'do the deed'. I was really into it and he was too, matter of fact he's the one that started it. But before we were about to do that stuff I saw the clock and realized I had to be at work soon and that I stayed at his house longer than expected. I told him sorry that I had to leave and texted him afterwards saying I'm still down to do that stuff. I'm a very awkward and anxious person and I've been struggling with really bad anxiety about basically everything for as long as I can remember. Well on Friday he texted me asking if I wanted to do that with him after school because his parents wouldn't be home. I don't know why but I said sure. I knew I wasn't mentally prepared, I felt like I was on the brink of having a panic attack but I was excited at the same time. I've never done anything s3xual with another person before, let alone a guy. I was scared but I said yes. About an hour after I got home from school I left my house to do what I told him I would. I got there and we talked for like 30 minutes about random stuff because he abruptly changed topics and asked if I wanted to do that stuff with him right then. I know I had already said yes over text and I was really excited but in the moment my anxiety got the best of me and I didn't know what to say. He tried to make a move but I shot it down because I just wasn't ready. We sat there for the next 30 minutes talking about it. He asked "so you don't wanna do this?" And I told him "I do but it's like my brain won't let me." And that's the truth, I was very excited to do that and I really wanted to but I physically just couldn't because my anxiety just wouldn't let me if that makes sense. I told him that I'm sorry for wasting his time but I just wasn't ready and so I left. I texted him this after I left, "Hey so I'm sorry for kinda just wasting like an hour of your day. I really wanted to do it and I thought I was ready but I'm just not in the right headspace if that makes sense. I tried to say what I meant while I was out there but I just wasn't making sense and didn't really say what I meant to say. I was fine with what we did last week because it felt more natural. I wasn't coming over there for anything s3xual but it did become s3xual. This time is different because it's not a natural thing. I did this specifically looking for something s3xual and that overwhelmed me. I have really bad anxiety about everything and this is just one of those things. I liked what we did on Saturday and I was hoping to do it again but I guess I'm just not comfortable doing it this way. I would like to do that kinda stuff with you but I'm just not ready to do it like that. I still would like to do this with you but I just can't bring myself to do it right now." He left me on delivered and still hasn't answered me and I'm scared to send him another text. So I think he's basically just ghosted me at this point and I don't know what to do. I've been friends with him for years and I still really like him but I think all that's ruined now. Sorry if that was kinda a long read

I forgave my m0lester and I regret it

Trauma Support / by ELIJAHHHH

February 16th

...See more When I was 8 years old, my old brother was best friends with a guy named Sidd. Since they were good friends, my brother would go to his house and sometimes I would come along with. Well one day when I was at Sidd's house, and my brother was busy in another room, Sidd SA'd me. It traumatized me and I've been thinking about it a lot, especially these past few months I've thought about it nearly every day. Well I'm 16 now, and I've never told anyone about what he did to me. A few months ago, my brother was talking nostalgically and started talking about him in such a good way it made me mad. I asked what his name was, because it's been 8 years I didn't remember his name. My brother said his first name and said he didn't remember his last name. My dad was good friends with Sidd's dad, so I asked my dad what his last name was and he told me. I looked his name up on In$tag@m (for some reason this app likes to censor that word) and sure enough it was him. I decided I wanted to send him a message and I wanted to forgive him because I was hoping it would help me. It didn't. I sent him a DM in December and he responded a day later asking who I was, and I explained what happened and I explained how I forgive him. I regret doing that now. I thought it would help me to forgive him and maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about it. Well it worked for about a week. And then after that, I felt even worse and now I hold even more resentment for him and I'm not quite sure why. I just want to know how to get over this and how to get the thought out of my mind because it's almost constantly there.

I feel jealous

General Support / by ELIJAHHHH

February 15th

...See more I'm 16, and I've been talking to a girl in my class for the past month. She said she liked me and we were going great but she told me a little over a week ago that she's lost feelings for me and thinks she's a lesbian. Now that hurt me a lot because I thought we were doing perfectly fine. She would flirt and would actually make me feel wanted and I thought there was nothing wrong. She said she still wanted to be friends but we haven't talked since she told me that truth. I saw her walking in the hallway with her friend on Thursday. She was carrying a bouquet of flowers. I thought "she's just holding them for her friend there's no way she's already got someone." Well on Friday I was proven wrong. She posted on her social medias about her new girlfriend and tagged her in her bio and they seem great together. When I saw that, my heart dropped. I felt replaced, and frankly I still do. When I was talking to her, that's the furthest I've ever gotten relationship wise. So it hurts to have that basically ripped away and then I see she's with someone new only a week later. She's the only girl that's ever made me feel chosen and wanted. I tried to talk to my friend about it but he didn't care and it made me feel like ***. He usually cares about the things I tell him and he's usually supportive but this time when I vented to him his only response was "eh that's cool ***." No, it's not cool. I've already been feeling extremely depressed recently and this isn't helping. I just wanted to vent somewhere because I feel so bad right now and so lonely. If you got questions about this situation, I don't mind answering them.

Basically had a mental breakdown last night

Depression Support / by ELIJAHHHH

February 13th

...See more I'm 16, and I've been struggling with terrible anxiety and depression for a while now but it's gotten really bad this past year. I've had so much bs happen to me and last night I felt terrible about all of it. My dad is a *** that verbally abuses me regularly and has threatened multiple times to hurt me. I got SA'd when I was 8 years old and I think about it almost daily and it weighs on me so much. I've had problems eating recently and I've basically become anorexic. I'm a closeted bisexual in a really homophobic home and I come home every day to my dad complaining about the "f*gs in this country", not knowing I'm one of the "f*gs" he's talking about. I was rejected last week by a girl I was talking to for a whole month and then I saw her walking around yesterday holding a bouquet of flowers. I have a weird phobia of sleeping because of a nightmare I had a few months ago involving my dad. I have more problems going on too but for the sake of not typing this for too long I'll skip it. I was sitting in my bed last night feeling guilty because I ate more than I wanted to and I was scared I'd get fat. I started thinking about all the other *** that's happened to me and I genuinely think this is the lowest I've felt in a long time. I started hyperventilating, crying, and shaking in my bed and I just felt like ***. I just wish that I didn't have to go through this bs.

Becoming borderline anorexic

Eating Disorder Support / by ELIJAHHHH

February 11th

In fear of Father

LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by ELIJAHHHH

February 18th

...See more So I'm 16, and bisexual. I came to the realization that I'm bi last year around July. I live in a very redneck/hick town so it makes sense that most people living here are homophobic as ***. Well that includes my father. My Dad has always been a heavy drinker, extreme racist, and extreme homophobe. He thinks straight out of the bible in the way that homosexuals are an "abomination." He's said before that if one of his kids turns out to be gay he thinks he would have failed as a father. I'm scared of the day he finds out about me being bi. I am scared my brother will find out and tell my Dad because my brother already hates me and I wouldn't put it past him to tell my Dad. I've told a few of my friends about my sexuality, but only people I know 110% can keep a secret. I eventually want to tell all my friends but some of them are in the same circles as my brother and if I tell them then there's no telling what they do with the information. I know this isn't happening anytime soon so it's not like the biggest worry in the world but I am scared. I already have a poor relationship with my father and if he finds out about this he's probably gonna think of me less as his son and more like a burden or mistake.

Sleep Problems+Relationship with Father

General Support / by ELIJAHHHH

February 8th

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