Help me (long rant)

I can’t stop ruminating if I am bi or lesbian. I know I don’t need it all figured out and labels are stupid but honestly I just need a answer. In middle school I figured out I was bi, I puked of butterflies and my face went cherry red when I thought of this girl and I couldn’t get her off my mind, even now in college I get butterflies looking back. But even then I questioned if it was just girls or if I liked both genders. We fell inlove but in secret and dated 6 months or so until she broke up. The few people who knew made me feel broken and small, an my area is not supporting. We never kissed before she broke up with me though. Years later I spontaneously made out with this random girl, theeen she ditched me but none the less I loved it. So I’ve kissed a girl and dated one and know for sure I like girls, butttt part of me still deals with internalized homophobia and thinks it’s unnatural and also am afraid of living a life that my loved ones wouldn’t support. However, I’ve never had sex with a girl but I’d imagine I would enjoy it.. but one of the issues is who knows if I’d enjoy it. Well I started having a crush on this guy after all this and we fell inlove, and I think I enjoy kissing him and i think I did really like him. Well after 2 years he broke up with me, it broke me so badly I attempted suicide luckily I survived and am healing now but seriously he was my all, I was obsessed with him.. yet I never before our breakup did I think of being interested in others but when I started to feel better I started to think about how I’d be happier with a girl. I would love a girly house and see her pregnant and do makeup and girly stuff together and two white dresses at our wedding and be part of the community and I would love a women’s care and emotional intimacy and intelligence. I thought about it so much, and loved it. But then a month later he wanted to get back together and I said yes, but it felt different. It wasn’t just my lack of trust tho, it was like I was missing what a girl could give me. But did I only feel that way because the idea of a girl helped me cope? Or is it real, I never thought about girls in our relationship before the breakup. Well we had sex and I think he is good at sex too.. butttt I get so grossed out at his parts. Really badly. And part of me wonders if I just love him as a friend and can notice he looks nice and I like attention and it’s not attraction. We have been dating over 3 years now and he wants to get me a promise ring. I am obsessed with everything about him besides the sex but everything i love romantically about him could be fulfilled by a girl. But I’ve never had sex with a girl so how would I know if it’s better? Maybe I’m just not sexual? When I tell him how I overthink about sexuality it stresses him out. But I am questioning everything, but know if I ever took a risk it would risk his life (he struggles a ton with depression and suicidal thoughts) and I would be heartbroken, I know he could never be a friend after all we went though but I don’t wanna lose him, and I couldn’t stand if he dated another girl. It is hard for me to imagine future with him ever since the breakup tho. And seriously was it just the attention I liked? I mean when I liked a girl she was always on my mind and I puked butterflies with him, I felt happy and flustered but never as extreme as with the girl. And then I met this girl in my class I can’t get her off my mind and I’m feeling guilty about it, I’ve never had feelings ever in our relationship but now it’s starting to become all my thoughts. I image her when he kisses me and enjoy it so much more. But I’m so afraid if I left him I’d regret it and I could never get it back maybe he would die too. And both of us would be heartbroken, and maybe I never find a girl. But I also feel like if I marry him I’ll regret not finding a girl and always be haunted by the what if, and like that song “good luck babe”. What if I’m bi and overthinking or what if I’m lesbian and waste my life?