How do I know I'm transgender?
Hello! You can call me Al and for the longest time I've identified as a trans man but there's always been this doubt in my head that maybe I'm not or that maybe I'm faking my feelings and this is all a phase of sorts.
For context I have struggles identifying emotions. I feel like I need a detailed descreption on a certain emotion before I can say yes/no to if I have felt it. So when I read and watch videos of other peoples journeys and transitions it doesn't quite help because I have trouble being "Yes I have felt like this so I can confirm I'm trans"
Same goes for dysphoria and such, I feel like I have felt those things but I also feel like I haven't because I don't have an explanation as to how it feels???? (I don't know if that makes sense)
I've heard people say that already feeling confused about your gender confirms you're trans but it doesn't help me feel at ease.
Is what I'm experiencing internal transphobia? Or something else?
Thank you in advance!
@Justsomeonemaybe
Each person's experiences with gender identity are their own. Questioning your gender, or even gender norms doesn't have to mean you are transgender, but it certainly can. Not to mention there are lots of different ways gender can manifest, and there are those who for example have a gender expression that doesn't match the social norms of their gender identity.
So to start I have a few questions:
- Did something happen, did someone say something that made you start to doubt how you identify?
- What if any reasons can you think of that you would want to fake the feelings you are having?
- Overall it sounds like you are feeling the need to prove your identity, so what would proving it look like for you?
As for internal transphobia some questions you may wish to explore:
-
Do you find that you don't want to be transgender? Why or why not?
- When you think about being transgender what sort of feelings come up for you?
While I can't tell you what you are experiencing, hopefully by considering some of these questions you may find some of your own answers. Perhaps others will also have more input they can share as well.
Thank you for reaching out.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot!
I guess these feelings of doubt started when I saw other trans people talking about it online. How being trans made them feel and how they're always figuring these things out. The most popular theme among them was 'how do I know I'm not faking these feelings?" And for the most part when they asked themselves that it gave them closure, I guess for me it did the opposite.
I don't really know how to answer that, because I have a hard time understanding what I feel at all. A part of me is rational, telling me you can't fake feelings of discomfort and if you were faking, you'd know. But the other part is always but what if we are. If that makes sense.
I think proving would be 'to be treated as a regular guy, just like anyone else'
Sad to say but most times I do feel like it would be easier to live life if I was "normal". To fit into the mold a bunch of teenagers fit into. I have a very pop and trendy sister, and I feel like it would be easier if I were just like her.
I'd say a lot of struggle?? Perhaps sadness that I will never be treated as equal to cis men, an outsider.
As a final note after thinking about if for a while, I came to the conclusion that maybe I feel like I'm not as valid as other trans people because I don't share the same experiences with dysphoria and acceptance. (Or I deal with the discomfort in a different way) I've never felt that much negative feelings ( I do quite literally feel as my emotions are mushed together and I seemingly feel nothing all the time) and when I do look at myself and/or hear myself the discomfort isn't enough to make me feel horrid?? And seeing everyone else struggle a lot with it makes me in turn feel like I don't fit into the 'trans experience'. This conclusion might not be fully correct but I feel as though it's the best way I can put it into words right now! :))
Thank you a lot, again! Being able to discuss and hear what you have to say is already helping a lot! It really does mean a lot! I appreciate it a whole bunch!
@Justsomeonemaybe
Hearing what you are saying I would just add this thought: You don't have to hate yourself to be trans.
I hope you understand what I mean, others may have more internal struggle or dysphoria etc, but that's not what makes how they feel true.
I hope you will find more and more confidence in who you know yourself to be, rather than trying to measure yourself by other's experiences.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I really needed to hear that, thank you so much!
Hi Al,
Thanks for openly sharing your journey here with us. It is not always easy to openly talk about such a vulnerable piece of ourselves that often get despised upon unfortunately.
I wanted to support you in your journey of self discovery by telling you that I have experienced similar doubt when I first got old enough to decide if I wanted to transition. I have read all these other people saying that feeling dysphoria is often temporary and it goes away as you grow older, or things like you can be just fine being non-conforming for your natal sex instead of transitioning, or discouragements such as you can never be a real guy/girl so what's the point for you to transition, or trans people usually die young and I just didn't want that for you. All these things really casted a doubt in my mind, because of that what if question - what if, I am not trans and all these people who keep telling me that I will regret it and that I will end up in the eternal gates if *** are true?
The thing that really helped myself understand that I am trans from the depths of my heart is that my earliest memories in life already involved me actively being denied things that I prefer / wanted to do, because my parents held a relatively strict gender sterotype. That timing was what allowed me to give myself assurance that being trans was not the result of someone else doing something to me, but rather, it came from my very own self. It is a fact I remembered clearly because of its associated event, and I cannot refute it since it came from a time when I was a very simple human being.
Knowing that, the doubt changed itself to not so much whether I am trans or not, but rather, would transitioning / not transitioning give me the life I wanted more. I doubted that for a long time because the life of a transitioned person is not an easy one, and with my limited life experiences at that time, I only know that both option sucks but I cannot tell which direction would allow me to flourish more in life. I actually decided not to transition for the longest time but I eventually did transition and I never looked back. But even then, do I still doubt if things will change and I will one day regret it down the line? Yes, I actually do still doubt if I will one day regret it, but I also know that even if I did, I have learned and grow so much on this journey of understanding myself that I would absolutely never have gained if I didn't have that courage to come out and transition. I fully accept that possibility "perhaps I will change your mind someday", but I also am fully committed to the fact that life is to be lived and not survived. So even if I ever decide to detransition (which I seriously doubt I will), I will accept myself unconditionally because nobody else will ever love me as much as I can for myself. With that, I summoned my courage to pick myself up from a place where I was barely surviving, to one that allowed me to actually be authentic and grow to a better version of myself.
I know that my journey may not be the same as yours, but I hope that it will offer you another look at our relationship with doubt under a trans context. I hope you will find your answer eventually and regardless of what that answer is, I hope you will have peace and get to flourish and bloom in living the life you were given.
With love, best wishes and big hugs!~ 💛
I know this is like a year late but reading this made me happy. It means a lot to me that I am not alone with these fears and granted, as you said they might lessen with time, they did. I'm glad you told me this. Thank you, genuinely :)