Lost, realized I'll never be accepted by my family
Realized I may never come out as bi to my family after hearing them make transphobic and homophobic jokes while drunk. I am not out in my 30s as I have an opposite sex long term partner. I visited my family recently and it was going well til they got drunk and started sprouting right wing jokes about non-binary/trans/anyone who isn't straight and calling people homophobic slurs. The energy in the room was palpable as they were daring me to say anything (earlier in the night I stupidly made an anti-Trump comment). I kept quiet as I was working on something and pretended to focus on it. I really wish I had the courage to say something but I'm partially disabled so I rely on my family to help with bills and stuff and feel like I'd be cut off if I outed myself. I eventually went to somewhere private to break down crying. They offered me to move back with them,which at first I wanted to accept but between the jokes and the next 4 years I really want to stay in my deep blue state rather than moving to a purple one. I may end up homeless but at least I'll have the last shred of my dignity that I didn't move in with bigots that treat me like a burden. I don't really know what to do,but I know my story isn't uncommon except for perhaps my age of still not being out.
If anyone moderates this feel free to delete one of my posts, I accidentally posted twice as I thought my other post never showed up.
@loyalTurtle8038
Hiya. I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been going through.
It's okay not to be out to your family, you don't ever have to come out if you don't want to (or to anyone else for that matter). Of course, this may feel very difficult for you, your decision entirely. Like you say, not an uncommon problem, sadly. Please know there are people who care and support you with whatever you decide.
Thanks for posting 🌹
@loyalTurtle8038
“realized I'll never be accepted by my family“
Even though it’s for different reasons, this realization of never being accepted by our families is something we have in common. So I know it must be hurting you a lot not to be accepted by your own family and it’s making you lost and I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. But their refusal to accept you is ultimately their own loss. Not yours.
Thanks. It just really hurts because as they're my family they've known me the longest, rejection from them hurts that much more. Feels like being torn apart.
@loyalTurtle8038 I am so sorry to hear this has happened. Not only are you navigating a really difficult political climate, but to have to hide who you are to your family must be so so difficult. I would recommend trying the best you can to remove the judgement you are placing on yourself (specifically your age and not being out). Give yourself the grace and reminding yourself why you are not out to your family, but continue to love yourself through such a difficult circumstance.
@loyalTurtle8038 hello there! hope you've been well since then, I'm sorry you had to go through such intense and uncomfortable situation. As someone in my 30s I too, hasn't come out to my family, I assure you, you're not alone.
I understand that it's scary to even imagine their reaction if they ever found out, especially you need their support. Which is really bizarre because family are supposed to be on your side even if the entire world isn't. Yet, we fear to come out to them more than anything.
As for my own experience, I haven't come out yet because I haven't found my partner. I don't feel the need to at the moment, not until I meet someone who will fight alongside me. Otherwise, I don't see the point in doing so.
In terms of... moving back into the family, please take my advice with a pinch of salt. While it may be hard to live away from family, but you may realise that being away will give you some control of your own life. You'll have one less thing to worry about. Whatever you decide to do, the 7Cups family are here for you. Take Care!
Thank you very much for this response it helps to know I'm not alone! I totally get the not coming out til you find your partner. For me if I never find someone the same/similar gender as me as a life partner (mainly femme presenting bc you know that conservative families aren't going to understand nuances of gender lol) it's like...what's the point if I end up marrying someone male-ish. I'll have isolated myself for nothing...but at the same time knowing they'd probably reject me it makes me wonder if I should even be in contact with them at all as painful as it is. One of my good friends from highschool came out as non-binary as a recent-ish development and I tried to explain it to my family awhile ago...they still deadname them (not to their face just around me). So I just get the feeling of why am I even here with people who won't understand me.
Not even sure they'll even try to understand or just write me off as this blue state getting into my brain/corrupting me/ other conservative media nonsense when the reality is I've been this way at least 2 decades. Just remembering thinking "oh he's cute!" to my locker buddy in middle school and the same week in homeroom thinking how pretty this one girl was privately to myself. Only I know those feelings because ofc I never shared them with my family or even my friends since I was in a purple area of a red state. I really don't want to move back even if I have to live out of my car. I just started healing and accepting myself out here,I feel like moving back would undo all that on top of the shame of not being able to make it on my own.
@loyalTurtle8038
It seems to me you're approaching this in the right direction!
Your thoughts are clear on the do's and don'ts.
While it may cause you anxiety and sadness as to how your friends and family would react, I hope you understand that their feelings belong to them and there's nothing you can do to change that, at least for now.
However, you can try to change your mindset, just as you wish them to accept you, you should first try to accept the negativity about them towards LGBTQ+.
I believe in you, I know you'll get through this, we'll get through this together! ^^