My emotions are a mess!
Words are failing me. There's just too much to process. So here I go, sharing it with all of you 😄
To start, I feel very focused on my business -- more than ever before. It's weird. And I'm getting support for what I'm working on from my family! This has never been my experience before now -- I usually just get judged or told how what I want to do will never work. My forged family, though, want to support me and it makes me so happy.
I also feel disgusting. I know that I've gained weight in the last 6 months or so, and I don't like the way my hair looks. That's to say nothing of needing to shave every day just to feel feminine, and whenever I walk anywhere I become a sweaty mess. I am trans-femme, and it can be really hard to recognize my beauty some days.
And I feel joy?! I had a dream the other night that I was a surrogate mom for someone, and I was so excited to feel the baby kick and move around! It felt so real! I never realized how much I wanted to be pregnant until I started to transition, and this was such an amazing experience!
Then there's the feelings of doubt and failure that creeps in constantly. I have been looking for a job for the last 9 months with no luck whatsoever. I know the job market sucks, and I know I have several big things working against me, but its hard not to just blame myself. I am trying to start a business specifically because no one will hire me, and I worry that it won't work (like, a LOT).
Finally, I feel so loved and supported by my kids! I came out as trans after they were both born, so they have been hesitant to call me "mom". I have always respected that, even though in my heart, I would love for them to call me Mom. Then tonight, my oldest asks to talk about what he should call me. We've had this talk many times before, so I said what I have always said: Lacy is fine, Mom is fine, some other word is fine too -- I just want you to be comfortable. And he said "Maybe we can call you Mom whenever it's just the three of us." My heart grew three sizes, and I can't believe I didn't break down crying with joy!
Overall, I think I'm struggling. But when I have these amazing moments in time, it's hard not to smile (even when I'm crying inside). I am still working through a lot of stuff, and I am trying my darnedest to get back to my kids. It's so much, and I needed to share what I'm going through. Thank you for reading 💖💖💖
Words of encouragement would be so so SOO greatly appreciated THANK YOU 7 CUPS!
@HappySpecter
Nice thing about owning your own business – it’s not likely that you’ll fire yourself. I’m glad you’re receiving support.
While you’re being supported by others, please also support yourself. This can be accomplished by compassionate self-regard.
What’s more likely to be empowering, shaming yourself or reminding yourself of things you’ve already accomplished and have reason to be proud of? If you look around at others, of all shapes, sizes and weights, do you believe any of them should feel disgusting? The more you badmouth yourself, the less confidence and self-esteem you have to bring about positive change.
It is practically universal that people shame themselves, then resolve to be different. The problem with that is that the subconscious – that place where so much processing occurs, hears: “I’m shameful, therefore I’m not likely to change.” So your conscious thoughts are, I’m gonna change and the subconscious is saying, “naw, you aren’t either.”
I’m not happy with my hair either. It used to be full and easily shaped. Now it’s thin and fly away unless I glue it down. Although I feel fussy about it, others don’t see a problem with it. It’s like the saying goes, “we’re our own worst critics.” It also invites the question, why do I judge others very gently, while I judge myself harshly?
Everyone becomes a sweaty mess walking in this weather! I wait till 10:30pm for my walks and still come back a sweaty mess. Very, very few people recognize their own beauty. That’s because they’re so used to seeing themselves, especially at times that are less flattering, it’s hard to be objective.
I do know of people who’ve used electrolysis to permanently remove unwanted hair. There are also some shavers that remove hair far better than others.
It’s okay to allow dreams to help you feel joy.
If you’re interested in finding a job, even part-time while you get your business going, and things are working against you, I’d be willing to bet that you could make a list of things you have going for you as well. An advantage to making that list is that if an interviewer asks about your strengths, you already have answers in mind. Also, the list may provide guidance on what kind of employment would be best for you.
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your kids. That speaks well of you. I agree with letting them choose how to address you.
If you want to talk, fee free to message me. Right now, I’m just doing messages because my time is so limited.
Take care!
If you want to talk, fee free to message me. Right now, I’m just doing messages because my time is so limited.
Take care!
Well, life it's easier when you start focusing on the Little good things. Good luck girl, you are doing great:)
Well, life it's easier when you start focusing on the Little good things. Good luck girl, you are doing great:)