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Partner is Poly?

User Profile: SmollOne
SmollOne June 6th, 2025

Hi there all. I hope you're having a wonderful pride month. I wanted to ask something here. I've had a really hard few months this whole year to be honest, alot going on family wise, mental health wise, and just kind of everything. To preface, I'm ace and not a flirtacious person at all. My fiance and I have been togetherfor about a decade, my fiance is very much not ace and has been exploring his gender through this year which I support him fully in doing. Recently, about a month ago, he told me he thinks he may be polyamorous. Sex has always been something we've struggled with, us being on such opposite ends of need or want of it.

That exploration and want isnt something that I want to keep them from and I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through a partner coming out as poly and how the two of you worked through it.

Ive read the ethical *** and it was helpful, but would like others input as well.

3
User Profile: Aayla
Aayla June 6th, 2025
@SmollOne hi! I'm polyamorous myself, and I understand how hard it is to switch from the "social norm" in terms of relationship model to something that seems so strange and hard to navigate. To me, it was really helpful to compare romantic love to other forms of love in which exclusivity is not considered a value. Think about a parent's love for their children, which is supposed to be one of the greatest and strongest forms of love. We would never consider the love for a child as "lesser" because you love more than one child, right? Or think about the love for your friends: you love them for different reasons, maybe you prefer to do some things or talk about certain topic with one of your friends and something else with another. It doesn't take away from the love you have for any of them.

Romantic love has been stereotyped as "finding your one and only". But it's nearly impossible to find someone that connects with you 100% under every aspect. It's not fair to expect your partner to meet that standard, nor is it fair to sacrifice your own needs out of respect for the other partner. In my view, love means connecting with a person and wanting what's best for them. I understand the insecuirites that come from not being exclusive, but it doesn't mean you are "not enough" for your partner. It's important to value all the things you share and all the ways you two connect, so you can find your balance and feel more secure in your relationship, without having to worry about sacrificing a part of yourself to meet the other's expectations.

It's a tough journey for sure, it requires a lot of communication, negotiation of boundaries, openness, common ground. It doesn't necessarily work for everyone, but it's hard to tell before trying, so if you think this is something that can work for you, you can give it a shot and then constantly check up on each other to see how you're doing and if things are working out well for both of you. A lot of labour for sure, but it can really pay off in the long run!
User Profile: SmollOne
SmollOne OP June 6th, 2025

Thank you, it was just alot to process, there was emotional cheating that happened before we talked about it, that's what brought it up/out, so it was super overwhelming.

And I really like the other person, they seem really cool and a genuine person. And I was so confused about how to feel about everything, still am I guess.

And we've talked some about boundaries, but I honestly have no idea about how i will feel about any given thing, so I think it's just gonna be things we figure out as we go, but I am willing to try for sure.

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User Profile: zeloyo
zeloyo June 21st, 2025

Hi there, I think I’m currently going through something similar except that my bf is interested in developing/exploring his feelings with his ex. Sex would still be strictly monogamous though…

How have you been coping with this so far? Have you always considered yourself to be strictly monogamous before this?

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