Polyamory, jealousy, anxiety.
So I'm struggling on what to do. Im going to give the summary verson of this. My partner and I are both queer polyamorous people. Almost 3 years ago we were in a triad/throuple with another woman and she ended up breaking up with me on an important day, but staying with my partner (who I am married to). They are still together and I have done so much work on myself to heal from this and come to terms. I do t trust her completely because of how she has been treating my partner, and my partner knows this as we our honest in our communication and emotions. A year and and half I was ready to date again. My partner was having jealousy and insecurities about this, coupled with their BPD, and it has caused fights. I am confontation avoidant and tend to give in to what people want if they get really angry. So I haven't dated though I have a crush on someone so much. I'm more than ready to be myself again. But I'm too scared to because I don't want it to cause a BPD switch in my partner.
@BelladonnaB
Hi Bella! 😊 ❤️ Thank you for sharing of yourself, your situation and your feelings. This takes a great deal of courage to do so. I commend you my friend!
I must admit, this does sound a bit complicated to "tease" apart. I can see completely why it is that you have your concerns, as well are uncertain of how to move forward so that everyone can be happy and for you both to have a peaceful home.
I'm sorry that the third party in the relationship hurt you. I send big *hugs* ❤️ I find it to be incredibly mature and loving of you to have kept your original commitment for the type of relationship that you and your partner originally agreed upon. Clearly this may not have been easy for you to do, considering behavior that you found to be negative and hurtful from that third party towards you and I could understand why.
I'm glad that you were able to heal from it and are ready to move forward now and enjoy options that the original relationship agreement stated.
What I hear you saying is that now after all of this time, you being patient and keeping to your side of "the bargain" your partner is stepping in now, trying to stop your efforts to enjoy the same things that they do. Does this feel fair? Does the relationship feel balanced?
Have the two of you considered having a moment where you both sit and discuss the original relationship agreement when no one is currently upset about the possibility of third parties? Might it be time to reconsider the original agreement if one has kept the commitment to hold to it, but your partner is not now?
In addition, my feelings in regard to someone receiving any type of diagnoses: (in this instance BPD). We are all responsible for our own behaviors and managing our emotions. Hearing a diagnoses is an opportunity to know ourselves better and to learn and grow from it. Some of us have more work to do than others.
I commend your partner for sharing this diagnosis with you in an effort for you to understand them better and I commend you too, as it seems as if you have done your research and understand some of the behaviors that can come from someone suffering from BPD. However, I almost sense that this is being used as a "tool", and an excuse to keep you in your place... for you to walk on the proverbial eggshells now with out them taking responsibility for their behaviors or keeping their commitment to you.
In my opinion, receiving any type of diagnosis shouldn't be used as a tool to manipulate others, to get what it is that they want, to dominate situations and loved ones. Almost as if sometimes one might be saying.....well it's not me doing any of this....it's that person over there, the BPD over there that is doing it all, ergo, I am allowed to be inconsistent and get my way and I am absolved of my behaviors and any wrong doing.
We all should take responsibility for ourselves and our behaviors.
Again, I wonder if sitting down together, discussing how it is that this is making you feel in a thoughtful manner when everyone is calm could be helpful? If not, I imagine you could have some choices to make as to whether you are willing to stay in a relationship with someone that only certain new rules apply to only you and they are able to make up the new requirements as they go along with out agreement from you.
I'm hoping I may have been helpful in some way. ❤️ If not, I'm hoping that others will respond to your post in an effort to support you as well.
big *hugs* ❤️
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for the affirmation and love ❤️
I really don't want to think that my partner is trying to control and manipulate me, at least on purpose. We've had to many talks about the fights after we've both had time to calm down, and I have been religiously researching BPD as much as I can to support them. I do understand that when they have a switch it's like their concous is taking a back seat and they are watching what they doing. They are so remorseful and have been trying so hard with their therapist to get these switches to a manageable state.
I know these hesitation for me to jump back in, stems from my fear of confrontation and the trauma of not only the switches but from past narcissistic partners.
So this whole thing has me torn between wanting to be my full self, and not wanting to live in that fear.
@BelladonnaB
Nothing makes me happier than to hear you saying that you can feel the love ❤️ as well as the affirmations. You deserve both, as any of us do! 😊❤️
As I said before, yup! Sounds like a very difficult spot to be in. I imagine all of this does make it much harder for you considering that you have been the victim of Narcissistic abuse in the past. Yes my friend, the things that others do to us does change us as human beings. I understand. ❤️
If you would like to stay with your partner and try to work things out, have you considered entering therapy as well? Maybe healing could take place from the past abuse that you have had to suffer from as well as being given the tools to better equip you to navigate your current relationship?
big *hugs* ❤️
I use to be in therapy, until recent financial issues hit and I had to prioritize the home bills and food over mental health. It's tough, but I know I'll be able to get back to a therapist when I get things balanced again.
I know I want to bring up me dating again to my partner, I just need to get over my fear of confrontation. And that is the hard part. I want to step out of this fear.