Previous Internalized Queerphobia Biting Me

Recently, I started creating a new Stargate series. I began mapping out a base camp, writing new character dialogue, and world building. It was really fun at first, but then I hit an increasingly creeping sense of anxiety.

Eventually I drilled down to it being left over anxiety from my teenage years where I created false memories of me being sexually abused. I created these because around 14 I realized that I am bisexual/queer and it completely collided with my sense of self. Then around 15 I started to make these false memories and they felt really real.

I never ended up accusing anyone because, even from a young age, I knew I was capable of imagining scenes that felt real. (In fact, around age 8, I started doing mental "logic checks" because I noticed adults were getting concerned). Instead, I spent seven years dealing with those intrusive thoughts until I finally debunked them and uncovered what they were actually hiding. Once I fully accepted that I was bisexual, the false memories faded away. I was working with a university psychologist at the time who helped me through it.

When I started diving into worldbuilding this Stargate series, I realized I was anxious that I might do something to harm myself like I did before. I spent much of Monday trying to figure out why I was so anxious about worldbuilding and creating clips in my head (later written to scripts). I then realized this is the first time I've really exercised the narrative imagination of my brain since I broke free from those false memories.

That's likely why I was so nervous. At 31, I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD, which I think feeds into this heavily; that creative drive combined with the ADHD felt like an uncontrollable avalanche of thoughts, making me scared I could lose control of the process again and make damaging and not just fun scenes.

Now that I realize this, I really want to continue pushing that narrative engine. I just don’t want to spend all my time worrying I’m going to start creating damaging, torturous thoughts again.

Anyone else have similar experiences? How did you forgive yourself and trust yourself again?