Social things

Whew, I think I'm going to write a lot. I am young, not an adult yet, but I'm close to that age. I am ftm, I felt happy in the country I was born, because a lot of people accepted me there, for who I am. I moved out to another country, I had to start everything from 0, no friends, and well, my parents are just not up with the idea of being Trans, I haven't come out yet to them as I don't want to trigger discussions or deal with their dissappointment, I will wait until I am an adult to tell them that. It's still hard, I appreciate my parents a lot, but sometimes their comments just hit me hard on the heart sometimes. I did not wish to be born this way, and somedays I just wonder and daydream "how would it be to not have to suffer this?" "what if I didn't have to put so much effort in demonstrating what I am?". Classes are exhausting, and guess how they call me in the classroom? "The only girl in the classroom" because all my classmates are boys, and the teachers say "be gentleman to the ladies" in my head I'm just like stop this. I don't like having to say my name to introduce myself to others, I don't like writing it, and in general I don't like meeting new people because of this. Falling in love is hard, thinking of who might actually go out with me, it's just hard, and having a crush now, instead of feeling hope or happy I now feel guilty of having one, because I feel that being like this might pull people away, I can't fulfill physical expectations as I feel grossed out with my body, and I feel a lot of pressure. I appreciate the friends I made along the way, and I hope in future I could tell them who I am, I just wish they don't get away from me because of this. I feel quite lonely in this country. I love my parents, I really do, they always are there for me, but I don't trust them with me coming out, as I said, I will do it later, but I feel quite lonely these days, like if there's no hope for me to be me.