Trauma messing with my transition
TW for sexual abuse!
I (22 trans man) have been on T for two years and I’ve planned since I started my transition that I would eventually get top surgery because I have a very large chest and it gives me a lot of dysphoria especially when I’m in public and around others. The problem is super recently I’ve been having second thoughts about top surgery, not because that dysphoria has gone away, but because I would lose the male validation I’ve gotten since I was a teenager. When I was 16 I was coerced into *** with a man I believe in his 50s. That continued through my teenage years with other men of similar ages because my stupid mind thought the attention was good so I kept going back for more. Even now, when I know how much it messed me up and the amount of sexual trauma it left me with I still go back sometimes. It always leaves me feeling disgusted in myself, but in the moment I’m getting so much attention and praise that I guess that’s what keeps me hooked.
I hate that this has become who I am and I hate that this *** up, trauma based desire for continued sexual attention from men that I don’t know and are old enough to be my father is affecting my transition.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Words censored: $eχting and fuсκεd.
hi fynn. I don’t know if you’ll see this, since this post was made a year ago, but I wanted to reach out anyway. I’m a 21 year old trans man.
reading your post makes me want to let you know that the conflicting feelings between that kind of trauma and your transition are bound to create that kind of stress and mind clutter. For me I feel like I’m hesitating going on testosterone for the same reason.
Since it’s been so long I doubt my advice would help. But there’s a book I read called “The Body is Not an Apology” that helped me through some really dark times. I’d recommend it to anyone feeling that “disconnect”. I hope you are doing alright.
-leaf
@Fynn016 Hey, I relate to this way more than I wish I did. The pull of validation—especially when it started so young and so wrong—can really mess with how we see ourselves and our choices. Healing from that kind of trauma is not linear (unlike Drift Boss, where at least you know the next turn is coming), and it’s okay to feel conflicted while you figure out what’s really yours and not shaped by past pain.
