Unwanted Homophobic Thoughts
Hi. I'm struggling with some thoughts that make me really uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with them. I'm a male, though I have been questioning my gender and sexuality for a while, but I have no idea and it's super confusing. Anyway, I have a really good friend that reblogs media and posts that relate to homosexuality frequently. They are gay and are in a relationship with my other best friend and we all get along really well. For some reason, seeing these posts about homosexuality make me feel really angry, lonely, and insecure. I try to find answers as to why I feel this way. I always thought I was just tired of hearing about homosexuality, but then would that be homophobic? Then maybe I thought this was just classic loneliness making me envious of other people, but why specifically homosexual posts? (It is worth mentioning that seeing couples regardless of sexuality online can make me feel lonely, so it could be that.) Then maybe I thought that the environment I grew up in as a kid conditioned me to feel biased against homosexuality, but I don't have anything against it! I even have sexual thoughts qbout the opposite sex sometimes, so I'm just really confused and tired of this anger coming out of nowhere. I'm scared. Whenever I see so many posts about gay and lesbian, it just makes me feel exhausted and angry, and I hate it. I don't know where this is coming from. If anyone has an idea, please let me know. Thank you.
Sorry. I meant to say "I have thoughts about the same sex sometimes." I got a little confused.
Maybe I have internalized heterophobia because I'm surrounded by lgbtq friends and I want to feel like I fit in, but that's making me frustrated and having these thoughts. Maybe I am just a heterosexual man, but at the same time I don't want to fall into the stereotypes of a heterosexual man. I want to try cross dressing and now really fall into any gender stereotypes, but this doesn't have anything to do with these thoughts. Maybe these thoughts are my frustrations with my uncertainty and maybe even some jealousy for not being what I want others to see me as, just so I can feel like I'm accepted. I am accepted though, so maybe that's where the internalized part comes in. It's all in my head. But I knew that. And now I'm just running in circles.
@arcticSquare665 You seem to have identified a lot of potential sources of this inner conflict. One that I think might be operating is societal influence. I get upset every time I see a news story on someone hating on LGBTQ. At the same time, I see a commercial with same sex partners and I’m like, “Enough already!” Like I don’t want to see it in so many commercials. I’m sympathetic (as an outsider) to LGBTQ concerns, but the commercials feel like it’s pushing it in my face perhaps?
Thank you for your help. I'll continue to separate my thoughts from my identity. I have struggled with emotions and thoughts getting the best of me, but who hasn't. I'll try to calm down and remember that these are just thoughts and nothing more.
