I don't know what I am
I've been straight all my life and I don't know if that's right. The only thing I've figured out is that I really like women. But recently, there's been this thought that I actually really dislike being "straight". Like heteronormative I guess? A lot of women I've dated are bi/pan. The most "out" I've been is that I actually find traditional straight women uninteresting. I find them attractive because they're women, but usually it'll flame out because I'm just not into "having to be a man". It's hard for me to get close to someone who wants me to be ridged.
I questioned myself on this the past few months and now it feels like my mind is a fog. I knew what gender dysphoria was but I can't tell if I'm genuinely feeling it. I don't hate my body, but my brain sometimes is thinking about what if I was a woman. But at the same time, there are these weird disconnects. If I were born a woman, I feel like I would be lesbian, no questions asked, loud and proud about it. But I'm a man and I don't hate my body even if I would prefer being a woman. Even if I was, I'd probably still dress more "masculine". Heels looks so silly to me because I just see foot pain, I don't really want to wear skirts (they seem fine and probably comfortable, but I prefer pants), but like being feminine feels more than like the aesthetic or putting on a voice. Maybe this is where I'm tripping up and I'm lost. I feel like a man, but I enjoy expressing a bit feminine.
I thought maybe non-binary, but that doesn't feel right either. My brain just feels like it's either you transition or accept you got a bad roll when you were born. And transitioning just doesn't feel right. I hate saying this because I know it's so typical and stereotypical of straight men, but my brain struggles with what my identity is an sometimes I really feel like a lesbian. I love girl/girl writing, I write a lot of sapphic fiction for years, lesbian relationships feel so right to me. Korra from Avatar is like everything I wish I was. She's my comfort character. She's a woman, she's feminine, and yet she's such a rebel. She breaks the norms the way I like. It's weird because like I see her but still I feel like even as a man I can express like her. Like it feels like I'm flirting between femboy/tomboy and I just can't figure out what about myself I like or dislike or what it is I'm really feeling. I guess the answer doesn't really matter to me as to what my identity is. My sexuality is figured out (at least from a what I like standpoint) and I'm very secure in that. I just want some peace of mind in my head.
@summerhurricanes
Hello,
I’m glad that you have your sexuality figured out<3
As to you figuring out what you like/dislike about yourself or what your feeling, I think it takes time and exploration to understand.
I think that’s something many people struggle with often.
You’re not alone in that<3
We are here for you <3 💛✨
Thank you! 😊 I appreciate you reaching out and making me welcome. That's why I'm here! I want to figure it all out and be supportive while I learn.
@summerhurricanes
Just a thought, are you familiar with the difference between gender identity and gender expression? While these to aspects are often aligned, the don't have to be and won't always be. An individual who chooses not to conform to the roles and stereotypes associated with their gender may also identify as gender non-conforming.
Hopefully you will find clarity and understand yourself better and my input won't simply add further complication to the topic. Regardless it sounds like you know who you are and who you love, even if you aren't entirely sure what to call it.
Thank you for responding! I vaguely know that those are different things but I don't understand them, which is why I might be "lost in the sauce". I think maybe I just always said I'm not heteronormative because I thought "well, something's not right and I don't know what", but I think gender non-conforming makes way more sense. I definitely feel as if a lot of what my gender is so hard-defined as seems really silly. I definitely like and want to break those.
I guess there is more of an expression that I feel.
It's funny because even when I think of myself if I were a woman, I'd probably be told I dress masc. Skirts and make-up just aren't really for me. I'm not opposed to a skirt, but definitely make-up feels like effort I don't want to put in. But like I definitely like to do my nails, I love the feel of letting my hair down and shaking it out, I like feeling cute, and I guess that feeling of not caring about it I've only felt around women. An ex of mine actually wanted to do a manicure day because I don't even bother taking care of them. I got my nails painted and I loved it. I completely forgot about it and showed up to work and just got drilled on it. Some guy made a comment about them being gay and all I said was I wish it were that simple.
I appreciate your words! Trust me, you're not complicating things! I know it's not simple and I actually like facing it and getting honest answers. Closure is nice and that's all I want, regardless of what the truth is.
@summerhurricanes
From what you describe, it does sound like you would relate to the term gender non-conforming more than it having any impact on your sexuality. But people like to make assumptions and offer their less than educated opinions like "nail polish being gay."
Still hoping you are able to have closure and feel secure in yourself and your labels as you so choose.
