Too many anxieties to count

Hi, I hope it's okay to write this kind of stuff here, if it's not please let me know. I'm 30, mentally ill, and living with my female partner of almost 2 years. I am likely agender/nonbinary but generally present as female just as it is the gender i was assigned at birth. I experience dysphoria and dysmorphia every day. I've always known I was queer in my attraction to people of any and all genders, but only started realizing my personal gender stuff about 5 years ago. I'm still very confused and lost and it's distressing. I have always had a lower sex drive than others, but I no longer want to have sex with my partner. We never did it a lot to begin with but I'm too anxious to initiate anything at this point. It's a mix of panic and anxiety I'll panic in the middle of it, guilt and shame from past relationships, fear of messing up again/being bad at sex with a woman (she's not the first girl I've had sex with but the first where I've hurt her accidentally multiple times with a finger nail or just doing the wrong thing at the wrong time or wrong way and it's traumatizing to make those mistakes), and my dysphoria/dysmorphia. She usually will orgasm when we have had sex but at this point I'm barely touching her and the guilt I feel is immeasurable. I can only orgasm with a vibrator (and a lot of effort) and I know that bums her out. Its very confusing because my mind is still sexual, just not my body. Like, I can read erotic writing and I love it and my brain thinks it's what I want, but when I'm faced with sex in real life at this point I'm just not interested in the slightest. I find my gf beautiful but I don't want to have sex with her when I'm faced with the opportunity. My gf wants to get married and buy a house even though I struggle with commitment constantly (not cause I want to cheat but because I'm scared to be permanently attached to someone. I'm afraid of being trapped.) I've only had 2 long term relationships, including this one, and both I felt a similar way. This idea that I'm trapped. When I dated more casually, still monogamous but not "official" I was a lot more comfortable because there wasn't any pressure. I feel so much pressure to be everything for my gf and the fact that I'm not makes me feel like a huge failure, that she's wasting her time, i'm filled with doubt and am always worried we'll break up if we have a fight. I have lots of panic attacks, and have had for as long as I can remember, and have severe clinical depression and anxiety. I'm drowning. Moving in with my gf was terrifying, it's still terrifying and it's been a few months. I didn't feel ready but it happened, and I feel trapped even now. I've told her that I don't want to get married yet because it gives me great anxiety, and I know she's disappointed I don't want to buy a house right now. Im just terrified of making the wrong decision, I don't trust myself to know what to do in any area. I don't know who I am anymore and it's effecting everything in my life. I'm behind for my age, and in my heart all I want is a house and to feel safe and secure and stop moving around. But I can't tell if my hesitation right now is because of my anxiety to commit to things or if it's because I know inside she isn't the right person for me. I genuinely cannot tell what this feeling is. My thoughts constantly fill me with doubt and it's drowning me. I'm afraid to leave a relationship that actually is the right one, but I'm also afraid of staying in one that makes me unhappy. My mom is still with my dad and I know she was unhappy for a huge chunk of my life, but stayed for the kids, and even though they're happy now it was so hard to watch as a young person. I'm so scared of being trapped with someone and being unhappy - that I'm feeling trapped and unhappy even though I could technically leave at any time. But I genuinely feel like I cannot leave though, I don't trust my decision making ability and I don't trust myself to know how to do anything. I dont know if the sex issue is a bigger issue with my identity, my sexual past, and heavy depression, anxiety and medication, or if I would feel different/better with someone else. Sorry for this being so long and confusing, I'm awake in bed as she sleeps next to me, and I am being smothered by my anxiety and guilt. (Something that happens more often than it should). If you've read this long, thank you, and also sorry.